» Bruno Mars Reportedly In $50 Million Of Debt With MGM Casino After Assuming Cocktails Were Complimentary
18/03/24 19:00 from RSS Feed
LAS VEGAS—Now in the eighth year of his long-term residency at the resort, pop star Bruno Mars reportedly owes the Park MGM $50 million after having assumed since 2016 that the casino cocktails were complimentary. “They’re supposed to be...

» Removed Notre Dame Scaffolding Reveals Construction Crew Accidentally Built Mosque
18/03/24 18:09 from RSS Feed
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» Jake Paul Announces He Is Bringing Gun With Him To Fight Mike Tyson
18/03/24 17:55 from RSS Feed
DORADO, PUERTO RICO—In response to a training video that the six-time former heavyweight champion posted in anticipation of their match, Jake Paul announced Monday that he was bringing a gun with him to fight Mike Tyson. “This July, when...

» Throw Another Epilogue On The Fire
18/03/24 15:48 from RSS Feed
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» Everything Lara Trump Plans To Do After RNC Takeover
18/03/24 12:20 from RSS Feed
And the RNC is going to pay for it. Read more...

» Unsettling Ancestry.com Report Informs Man Genghis Khan Descended From Him
18/03/24 12:13 from RSS Feed
CLEVELAND—Remarking that his family history was apparently far more complicated than he originally thought, Cleveland resident Nathan Yang received an unsettling Ancestry.com report Monday that said Genghis Khan descended from him. “Huh,...

» Prudish Woman On First Date Declines To Bear Man’s Children
18/03/24 10:45 from RSS Feed
DURHAM, NC—After stressing that she preferred to wait until the third date, local prudish woman Sophia Thomas reportedly declined Monday to bear local man Alex Campbell’s children on their first date. “What do you mean you don’t feel com...

» Streaming Algorithm Recommends Man A Bunch Of Man Movies
18/03/24 10:30 from RSS Feed
BALTIMORE—Harnessing the power of AI to tailor suggestions to users’ one-of-a-kind tastes, the Amazon Prime Video streaming algorithm recommended local man Doug Guzik, 41, a bunch of man movies, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh nice, they h...

» Researchers Say Python Meat Could Help Food Insecurity
18/03/24 10:15 from RSS Feed
Researchers studying python farming in Thailand and Vietnam found that the snakes are more efficient to raise than other animals farmed for meat, able to grow rapidly while eating less food than other livestock, which could help offset r...

» Dog Feels Like Everyone Looking At Him Differently Ever Since He Swallowed Chipmunk Whole
18/03/24 10:00 from RSS Feed
MARYVILLE, TN—Noting a marked shift in vibe, local dog Bailey confirmed Monday that he felt like everyone was looking at him differently ever since he swallowed a chipmunk whole. “I don’t know why, but it just seems like ever since I dow...

» Trump Dehumanizes Migrants By Referring To Them As Dons And Erics
18/03/24 05:45 from RSS Feed
VANDALIA, OH—Drawing criticism for what many called his dehumanizing and hurtful rhetoric, former President Donald Trump gave a campaign speech in Ohio over the weekend in which he referred to migrants as “Dons and Erics,” according to s...

» Insecure Pricks, Depressed Dads, And More: This Week In Local News March 16, 2024
16/03/24 13:00 from RSS Feed
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» Boeing's Secret Weapon, Wet Activities, And More: This Week In Breaking News March 16, 2024
16/03/24 13:00 from RSS Feed
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» Kamala Harris Tours Abortion Clinic
15/03/24 18:03 from RSS Feed
Kamala Harris toured a Planned Parenthood that offers abortion services, the first vice president to do so, where she delivered a speech defending reproductive rights. What do you think? Read more...

» Catholic Church Courts Youth By Adding Badass Deity With Robotic Falcon Head
15/03/24 18:00 from RSS Feed
VATICAN CITY—In an effort to make the church feel fresh and exciting again for youths around the world, the Roman Catholic Church announced Friday that it had added belief in a badass deity with a robotic falcon head to its existing dogm...

» Royal Family Criticized For Not Altering Photo Of King Charles Much More
15/03/24 17:45 from RSS Feed
LONDON—In a scandal of historic proportions that forced the royal family to issue an apology to those upset by the image, Buckingham Palace came under fire Friday for not altering a photograph of King Charles III enough before releasing ...

» Kamala Harris Discovers Classified Document Revealing She’s Android Created By DNC
15/03/24 16:51 from RSS Feed
WASHINGTON—Her mind spinning as she poured over the sheaf of papers, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly discovered classified documents Friday revealing that she is an android created by the DNC. “Wha—no, it can’t be,” said Harris, ...

» This Week's Most Viral News: March 15, 2024
15/03/24 15:29 from RSS Feed
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» Timeline Of Kate Middleton’s Disappearance
15/03/24 12:58 from RSS Feed
Mystery continues to swirl around the Princess of Wales, who has remained out of the public eye since December. The following is a complete timeline of Kate Middleton’s disappearance. Read more...

» Pros And Cons Of Referring To Immigrants As ‘Illegal’
15/03/24 12:55 from RSS Feed
President Joe Biden recently came under fire for a gaffe he made during his State of the Union speech when he referred to an undocumented immigrant as an “illegal.” The Onion presents the pros and cons of referring to immigrants with thi...

» Kohler Unveils Powerful New Toilet Capable Of Flushing Handgun
15/03/24 12:49 from RSS Feed
KOHLER, WI—After the product reportedly tested well in focus groups throughout the United States, plumbing-fixture manufacturer Kohler unveiled a powerful new toilet Thursday that, according to marketing materials, is capable of flushing...

» Fans React To Aaron Rodgers Spreading Conspiracy Theories
15/03/24 12:48 from RSS Feed
The Jets quarterback has recently faced backlash for controversial remarks on the 9/11 terror attacks, Covid vaccines, and the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting. The Onion asked football fans what they thought about Aaron Rodgers spr...

» Phillies To End $1 Hot Dog Days Citing Rowdy Fan Behavior
15/03/24 10:15 from RSS Feed
After 25 years, the Philadelphia Phillies are ending $1 hot dog night after fans took to hurling the concessions onto the field last year. What do you think? Read more...

» Study Finds Sexual Satisfaction Highest Among Nerds Covered In Lipstick Marks With Glasses Askew
15/03/24 10:00 from RSS Feed
PHILADELPHIA—In a new study published Friday in the latest issue of the International Journal Of Sexual Health, researchers found that among the human population, sexual satisfaction ranked highest among nerds covered in lipstick marks w...

» Woman Arrested For Stealing $28,000 In Gas With Rewards Card
14/03/24 19:06 from RSS Feed
A Nebraska woman was arrested for double-swiping her gas rewards card for months, taking advantage of a glitch that allowed her to get almost $28,000 worth of gas for free. What do you think? Read more...

» Backpedaling Aaron Rodgers Meets With Sandy Hook Parents To Brag About How Fast Achilles Healed
14/03/24 18:10 from RSS Feed
FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Revealing that he had taken time to reflect on the dangerous and harmful conspiracy theories that he had spread about the tragic mass shooting, backpedaling Aaron Rogers met with the parents of Sandy Hook victims Thursda...

» New Dispensary Promises Customers Tantalizing Taste Of The Forbidden Fruit That Is Marijuana
14/03/24 18:00 from RSS Feed
CLEVELAND—Attempting to draw in passersby with that rarest leaf from faraway lands, a new dispensary opened in the area Thursday, promising customers a tantalizing taste of the forbidden fruit that is marijuana. “O, could it be? A mercha...

» Chicago Temporarily Stops Dyeing River Brown For St. Patrick’s Day
14/03/24 17:40 from RSS Feed
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» Airbnb To Ban Indoor Security Cameras
14/03/24 12:50 from RSS Feed
Amid concerns about privacy in vacation rentals and public spaces, Airbnb released a statement saying the company will no longer permit indoor security cameras to be installed in rental properties, an update to its previous policy, which...

» Owner Of Shuttered Hermit Crab Kiosk Probably Retired To Private Tropical Island
14/03/24 12:46 from RSS Feed
COLUMBUS, OH—Pleased to see his years of hard work had finally paid off, sources confirmed Wednesday that the owner of the shuttered hermit crab kiosk at the mall had probably retired to his own private tropical island. “Good for him,” s...

» I See You, Report Sources Looking Through Empty Paper Towel Roll
14/03/24 12:45 from RSS Feed
SISSETON, SD—Following an enunciation that emphasized each syllable of the word “peekaboo,” sources looking through an empty paper towel roll announced Thursday that they see you. “I spy with my little eye…someone who is you!” said the s...

» Things Stepparents Should Never Say To Their Stepchild
14/03/24 12:44 from RSS Feed
While real, lasting love is only possible between blood relatives, some blended families pretend to make it work. If you are the stepparent to a stepchild, here are the things you should never say. Read more...

» Boeing Promotes Mysterious Employee Known Only As ‘The Panther’
14/03/24 12:40 from RSS Feed
ARLINGTON, VA—Lauding the grizzled figure who has a large scar running down his left cheek, Boeing has promoted a mysterious employee known only as “The Panther,” sources confirmed Thursday. “The entire Boeing family would like to extend...

» Nutritionists Recommend Shaking Stomach While Yelling ‘Stop Being Hungry’
14/03/24 12:39 from RSS Feed
FORT COLLINS, CO—Crediting the technique with helping countless clients, nutritionists recommended Thursday that Americans struggling to maintain a body weight try shaking their stomachs while yelling “Stop being hungry!” “Whether you’re...

» Hitman Keeps Trying To Upsell Client On Dissolving Target’s Corpse In Vat Of Acid
14/03/24 12:38 from RSS Feed
VIENNA—In an apparent attempt to persuade his customer that the additional fees would pay for itself in peace of mind, sources confirmed Thursday that local hitman Vincent Klein kept trying to upsell his client on dissolving the target’s...

» Boeing Whistleblower Found Dead In Car Amid Depositions
13/03/24 17:15 from RSS Feed
Former Boeing employee John Barnett was found dead in his car from an apparent “self-inflicted gunshot wound” on the day he was set to be cross-examined about allegations he’d made regarding the company’s grave safety breaches on the pro...

» Nation’s Burly Chefs Announce Plans To Cover Their Meaty Hands In Tattoos
13/03/24 16:41 from RSS Feed
NEW YORK—Rolling up their sleeves to reveal an illustration of a whisk or a fried egg inked on each of their forearms, the nation’s burly chefs announced plans Wednesday to completely cover their meaty hands in tattoos also. “We, the nat...

» Depressed Dad Not Even Touching Rest Of Family’s Dinners
13/03/24 16:40 from RSS Feed
ESCANABA, MI—Declining to help himself to the uneaten food on their plates, depressed father of three Matt Dunbar was not even touching the rest of his family’s dinners, household sources reported Wednesday. “Usually he just digs right i...

» Virginia Wildlife Center Staff Wear Fox Masks While Caring For Orphaned Kit
13/03/24 16:04 from Weird News on HuffingtonPost.com
Employees of the Richmond Wildlife Center are doing their best to act like mother foxes as they feed and care for an orphaned kit that found her way into their care.

» Women Explain How They’d Like To Have Their Bodies Restricted Next
13/03/24 14:42 from RSS Feed
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» Quiz: Are You A Sociopath?
13/03/24 10:30 from RSS Feed
Do you lack empathy, attempt to control others, exhibit impulsive behavior, or lie about all those things to seem normal? Take our quiz to find out if you are a sociopath. Read more...

» Staff Relies On Corporate Team-Building Skills While Disposing Of CEO’s Body
13/03/24 10:15 from RSS Feed
DES MOINES, IA—Noting that they already felt closer as a result of the exercise, employees of local company Alpa Solutions relied on their corporate team building skills Wednesday while disposing of their CEO’s body. “It was amazing from...

» House To Vote On TikTok Bill This Week
13/03/24 10:00 from RSS Feed
This week, House Republicans are pushing a vote on a bill with bipartisan support that would require TikTok’s Beijing-based owners, ByteDance, to divest their stakes from the company or else the app will no longer be available to America...

» Who knew that coprophagy was so vital for birds' survival?
13/03/24 02:09 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
New research explains how eating feces (known as coprophagy) shapes wild birds' digestive tracts (gut biota), enabling them to absorb lost or deficient nutrients and adjust to seasonal variations in food sources.

» Nebraska Woman Accused Of Using Pump Glitch To Get $27,000 Worth Of Gas
12/03/24 19:34 from Weird News on HuffingtonPost.com
Dawn Thompson, 45, allegedly pumped an estimated 7,413 gallons of gas at a Pump & Pantry station over a six-month period.

» Kate Middleton Admits To Editing Family Photo
12/03/24 19:11 from RSS Feed
After releasing a Mother’s Day photo of her and her children that immediately drew skepticism due to several glaring Photoshop errors, Kate Middleton, Princess of Wales, admitted that “Like many amateur photographers, [she does] occasion...

» Batteries for airborne electric vehicles that take off and land vertically
12/03/24 17:39 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
Researchers are taking cleaner transportation to the skies by creating and evaluating new batteries for airborne electric vehicles that take off and land vertically. Researchers are developing new energy-dense materials, learning how the...

» The surprising effect of presence hallucinations on social perception
12/03/24 17:38 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
Neuroscientists have devised a way to alter our social perception and monitor specific types of hallucinations, both in healthy individuals and patients with Parkinson's disease. The test, which is also available online, provides the med...

» Scientists propose new theory that explains sand ripples on Mars and on Earth
12/03/24 17:38 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
Sand ripples are symmetrical. Yet wind -- which causes them -- is very much not. Furthermore, sand ripples can be found on Mars and on Earth. They would be even more fascinating if the same effect found on Mars could be found here on Ear...

» Cheetahs' unrivalled speed explained by their 'sweet spot' size, finds Imperial study
12/03/24 17:33 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
A new study has answered a long-held question about why medium-sized land animals like cheetahs tend to be fastest.

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