» Kennedy Family Endorses Biden
19/04/24 18:51 from RSS Feed
In a stark rejection of Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a coalition of Kennedy family members publicly endorsed Joe Biden’s campaign for reelection, with Kerry Kennedy saying that “nearly every single grandchild of Joe and Rose Kennedy supports J...

» Circus Elephant Escapes In Montana
19/04/24 12:20 from RSS Feed
An elephant named Viola escaped from the Jordan World Circus in Butte, MO after being spooked by a car while getting a bath and bolting, making it several blocks downtown before being corralled and returned. What do you think? Read more...

» Conservatives React To Alex Garland’s ‘Civil War’
19/04/24 12:00 from RSS Feed
Alex Garland’s newest dystopian film, which takes place in the not-so-distant future, follows a team of military-embedded journalists as they travel across the country during America’s second Civil War. The Onion asked conservatives how ...

» Man Being Crucified By Romans Keeps Arrogantly Comparing His Plight To Jesus
19/04/24 11:51 from RSS Feed
ROME—Following comments that drew an immediate backlash for what critics called an inappropriate and self-serving analogy, sources confirmed Friday that Zebedee Peters, a man who is currently being crucified by the Romans, has continued ...

» IRS Under Fire For Blowing $350 Million Developing MMORPG Tax Video Game Called ‘Tales Of Revenue’
19/04/24 11:49 from RSS Feed
WASHINGTON—Drawing swift backlash from critics concerned about the agency’s spending, the Internal Revenue Service came under fire Friday for blowing $350 million to develop a massively multiplayer tax-filing video game entitled Tales Of...

» Disturbing Reports Find IDF Playing Amy Schumer Stand-Up Clips To Drive Palestinians From Homes
19/04/24 10:15 from RSS Feed
DEIR AL-BALAH, GAZA—Following accounts of continued civilian massacres in the Gaza Strip, disturbing reports emerged this week of the Israel Defense Forces allegedly using armored vehicles to play clips of Amy Schumer’s stand-up comedy i...

» Woman Lured Into Dark Alley By Sign Reading ‘Self-Defense Class’
19/04/24 10:00 from RSS Feed
PHILADELPHIA—Her footsteps echoing in the night as she wandered down the unlit side street, local woman Caitlin Morgan was reportedly lured into a dark alley Friday by a sign reading “Free self-defense class for women.” “Free self-defens...

» Arkansas Government Questioned About $19,000 Lectern Purchase
18/04/24 19:39 from RSS Feed
During an audit, Arkansas lawmakers questioned Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ (R) staff about the purchase of a $19,000 lectern, a charge which include a $2,500 “consulting fee” and a $2,200 road case. What do you think? Read more...

» White House Gardener Finds Rotting Biden In Compost Bin
18/04/24 19:10 from RSS Feed
WASHINGTON—With worms in the pile of plant debris already starting to eat away at the late president’s flesh, veteran White House gardener Dale Haney told reporters Thursday he had found a rotting Joe Biden in a compost bin on the South ...

» Martin Scorcese To Direct Leonardo DiCaprio As Frank Sinatra For Rest Of Their Lives
18/04/24 17:55 from RSS Feed
LOS ANGELES—Noting that the highly anticipated biopic had always been a dream project, sources confirmed Thursday that Martin Scorsese would direct Leonardo DiCaprio as Frank Sinatra for the rest of their lives. “After working together o...

» Leak Suggests New Taylor Swift Album All About Sink Not Draining Good Because It Clogged By Long Hair
18/04/24 17:50 from RSS Feed
LOS ANGELES—Circulating online via a Google Drive link, an alleged leak of Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department left fans speculating Thursday that the new album would be all about the artist’s sink not draining good because it w...

» Pros And Cons Of Caitlin Clark Going To The WNBA
18/04/24 17:30 from RSS Feed
Iowa women’s basketball star Caitlin Clark was selected by the Indiana Fever as the first overall pick in the highly anticipated 2024 WNBA draft. The Onion investigates the pros and cons of the 22-year-old phenom going to play for the Wo...

» Attention-Seeking Friend Obviously Hoping Someone Will Ask Where Other Arm Went
18/04/24 16:25 from RSS Feed
CHAMPAIGN, IL—As she struggled to pull open the café door with an armful of books, friends of local woman Fela Torres reported Wednesday that the drama queen was, as usual, seeking everyone’s attention and obviously hoping the sad displa...

» Glade Introduces New Meat Freshener Spray
18/04/24 12:16 from RSS Feed
RACINE, WI—Touting the product as a quick, easy way to take the putrid stench out of expired goods, household brand Glade announced Wednesday that it had released a brand-new meat freshener spray. “With Glade’s new meat freshener spray, ...

» New Study Finds Rocket-Powered Roller Skates Still Fastest Way To Commute To Job As Eccentric Inventor
18/04/24 12:14 from RSS Feed
RESTON, VA—Documenting how spiraling loop-de-loops through traffic help workers speed past rush-hour bottlenecks, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Transportation Engineering found that rocket-powered roller skates were still ...

» All-Inclusive Living
18/04/24 10:30 from RSS Feed
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» Record Number Of Windmills Installed In 2023
18/04/24 10:15 from RSS Feed
A report from the Global Wind Energy Council found that worldwide, windmills able to produce 117 gigawatts of power were installed in 2023, a 50% increase from the previous year. What do you think? Read more...

» Marvel Fans Explain Why The Silver Surfer Could Never Be Female
18/04/24 10:00 from RSS Feed
Though most incarnations of the superhero have been male, it was recently announced that Julia Garner would play a female Silver Surfer in a new Fantastic Four movie. The Onion asked Marvel fans why the Silver Surfer could never be a wom...

» How 3D printers can give robots a soft touch
17/04/24 22:28 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
Soft skin coverings and touch sensors have emerged as a promising feature for robots that are both safer and more intuitive for human interaction, but they are expensive and difficult to make. A recent study demonstrates that soft skin p...

» First evidence of human occupation in lava tube cave in Saudi Arabia
17/04/24 22:27 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
New research has highlighted an area in Arabia that once acted as a key point for cultural exchanges and trades amongst ancient people -- and it all took place in vast caves and lava tubes that have remained largely untapped reservoirs o...

» Paleontologists unearth what may be the largest known marine reptile
17/04/24 22:26 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
The fossilized remains of a second gigantic jawbone measuring more than two meters long has been found on a beach in Somerset, UK.

» Florida Bans Local Heat Protections For Outdoor Workers
17/04/24 18:17 from RSS Feed
Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) signed a bill preventing local Florida governments from requiring heat protection for people working outdoors, such as in construction or agriculture, becoming the second state to adopt such a law after Texas. What ...

» Astronomers uncover methane emission on a cold brown dwarf
17/04/24 17:11 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
Astronomers have discovered methane emission on a brown dwarf, an unexpected finding for such a cold and isolated world. The findings suggest that this brown dwarf might generate aurorae similar to those seen on our own planet as well as...

» 'Tube map' around planets and moons made possible by knot theory
17/04/24 17:10 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
Scientists have developed a new method using knot theory to find the optimal routes for future space missions without the need to waste fuel.

» Study finds iron-rich enamel protects, but doesn't color, rodents' orange-brown incisors
17/04/24 17:10 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
Chattering squirrels, charming coypus, and tail-slapping beavers -- along with some other rodents -- have orange-brown front teeth. Researchers have produced high-resolution images of rodent incisors, providing an atomic-level view of th...

» Two-dimensional nanomaterial sets record for expert-defying, counter-intuitive expansion
17/04/24 17:09 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
Engineers have developed a record-setting nanomaterial which when stretched in one direction, expands perpendicular to the applied force.

» Making crops colorful for easier weeding
17/04/24 17:09 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
To make weeding easier, scientists suggest bioengineering crops to be colorful or to have differently shaped leaves so that they can be more easily distinguished from their wild and weedy counterparts. This could involve altering the cro...

» Janet Yellen Unveils Plan To Boost Economy By Stealing World’s Largest Diamond
17/04/24 16:20 from RSS Feed
WASHINGTON—Calling the elaborate heist a surefire way to keep unemployment rates low while combating inflation, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen unveiled a plan Wednesday to boost the U.S. economy by stealing the largest gem-quality diamo...

» DOJ Announces You Didn’t See Any Of That
17/04/24 16:00 from RSS Feed
WASHINGTON—Warning that sweet, innocent little Americans should know by now to mind their own business, a blood-drenched Attorney General Merrick Garland began a televised press conference Wednesday by telling the nation it didn’t see an...

» New York City Launches New Shareable E-Cig Program
17/04/24 15:55 from RSS Feed
NEW YORK—In a long-awaited initiative that city officials said would ease the stress of busy, on-the-go New Yorkers, Mayor Eric Adams announced Wednesday the launch of a new shareable e-cig program that serves high-density areas througho...

» Quiz: Could You Serve On Donald Trump’s Jury?
17/04/24 12:29 from RSS Feed
Take our test to see if you’re enough of a shameless, unethical degenerate to serve on the jury of former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial in New York. Read more...

» Sharpshooting Mom Snipes Bread Out Of Daughter’s Hands From 800 Meters Away
17/04/24 12:09 from RSS Feed
DUBLIN, CA—Seconds after the small red dot from a laser-sighted weapon appeared on a slice of complimentary focaccia, witnesses at local restaurant Berevino reported Tuesday they had seen sharpshooting mother Kathy Denton snipe the bread...

» Tesla Lays off 14,000 Workers
17/04/24 10:15 from RSS Feed
Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced the layoffs of 10% of the company’s workforce, stating that the cuts would allow the foundering corporation to “be lean, innovative and hungry for the next growth phase cycle.” What do you think? Read more...

» Sports Bettors Explain How They Would Have Used $16 Million Of Ohtani’s Money
17/04/24 10:00 from RSS Feed
Ippei Mizuhara, the interpreter for Shohei Ohtani, allegedly stole $16 million from the Dodgers star and lost $40 million while gambling with the funds. The Onion asked sports bettors to explain how they would have used the money, and th...

» Older males out-compete young males outside breeding pairs, bird study shows
17/04/24 01:44 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
Young male blue tits are less successful in fathering offspring outside their breeding pair, not because of a lack of experience, but because they are outcompeted by older males, researchers report.

» Trump’s Criminal Trial In Manhattan Begins
16/04/24 19:31 from RSS Feed
Donald Trump began his trial in Manhattan this week in the case regarding his hush money payments to cover up his affair with porn star Stormy Daniels, marking the first time a former American president has faced a criminal trial. What d...

» Most massive stellar black hole in our galaxy found
16/04/24 15:59 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
Astronomers have identified the most massive stellar black hole yet discovered in the Milky Way galaxy. This black hole was spotted in data from the European Space Agency's Gaia mission because it imposes an odd 'wobbling' motion on the ...

» A single atom layer of gold: Researchers create goldene
16/04/24 15:59 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
For the first time, scientists have managed to create sheets of gold only a single atom layer thick. The material has been termed goldene. According to researchers, this has given the gold new properties that can make it suitable for use...

» Brimstone Stocks Rise After Antichrist Ushers In Age Of Eternal Misery
16/04/24 11:00 from RSS Feed
NEW YORK—Provided with a bullish catalyst as the world was cast into perpetual darkness, brimstone stocks rose Tuesday on news that the Antichrist had ushered in the Age of Eternal Misery. “Common shares of brimstone surged to all-time h...

» Absent-Minded Man Can’t Remember Why He Slathered His Nude Body In Pork Fat And Lit Himself On Fire
16/04/24 10:45 from RSS Feed
ALPHARETTA, GA—Racking his brain for the reason he decided to apply lard to his person and publicly self-immolate, absent-minded man Tim Bagwell told reporters Tuesday that he couldn’t remember why he slathered his nude body in pork fat ...

» Subway Manager Shows New Hire How To Properly Soak Bread In Mop Water
16/04/24 10:30 from RSS Feed
LEBANON, IN—Noting that the sandwich-making technique was simple but might take a few tries to master, local Subway manager Keith Unger showed a new hire Tuesday how to properly soak bread in mop water. “So first things first: You’re goi...

» Dad Gives Knowing Nod To Family Also Dealing With Whiny Little Shit
16/04/24 10:15 from RSS Feed
CLEVELAND—In a sign of solidarity to a nearby child-burdened party attempting to eat breakfast in peace at a local IHOP, 43-year-old father Greg Markie reportedly gave a knowing nod Tuesday to another family also dealing with a whiny lit...

» Doctors Explain Why You Should Never Use ‘Vulva Balms’
16/04/24 10:00 from RSS Feed
As a general rule, if your TikTok feed begins pushing you unregulated medical products, you should probably keep them as far away from your genitals as possible. The Onion asked doctors to explain why you should never use ‘vulva balms,’ ...

» Can animals count?
16/04/24 03:18 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
Researchers have made a groundbreaking discovery regarding number sense in animals by confirming the existence of discrete number sense in rats, offering a crucial animal model for investigating the neural basis of numerical ability and ...

» How Pluto got its heart
15/04/24 20:37 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
The mystery of how Pluto got a giant heart-shaped feature on its surface has finally been solved by an international team of astrophysicists. The team is the first to successfully reproduce the unusual shape with numerical simulations, a...

» Unlocking the 'chain of worms'
15/04/24 20:37 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
An international team of scientists has published a single-cell atlas for Pristina leidyi (Pristina), the water nymph worm, a segmented annelid with extraordinary regenerative abilities that has fascinated biologists for more than a cent...

» Travis Kelce Impresses Coachella Crowd By Tossing Taylor Swift 50 Feet Across Grounds
15/04/24 19:50 from RSS Feed
INDIO, CA—In a viral video clip that left fans fawning over the celebrity couple, Travis Kelce reportedly tossed Taylor Swift 50 feet across the festival grounds at Coachella Saturday night. “He picked her up and hurled her like it was n...

» Aaron Taylor-Johnson Wondering If Buying Tuxedo More Economical In Long Run Than Renting One For Each ‘Bond’ Film
15/04/24 18:55 from RSS Feed
LOS ANGELES—As rumors persist that he may be the next actor to take on the franchise’s lead role, Aaron Taylor-Johnson told reporters Monday that he had been wondering whether buying a tuxedo would be more economical in the long run than...

» Eric Trump Only Potential Juror Uninformed Enough To Serve At Father’s Trial
15/04/24 17:45 from RSS Feed
NEW YORK—Noting that the former president’s high-profile antics had made it exceedingly difficult to move ahead with the case, sources confirmed Monday that Eric Trump was the only potential juror uninformed enough to serve at his father...

» Evolution's recipe book: How 'copy paste' errors cooked up the animal kingdom
15/04/24 15:05 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
A series of whole genome and gene duplication events that go back hundreds of millions of years have laid the foundations for tissue-specific gene expression, according to a new study. The 'copy-paste' errors allowed animals to keep one ...