» Arkansas Government Questioned About $19,000 Lectern Purchase
18/04/24 19:39 from RSS Feed
During an audit, Arkansas lawmakers questioned Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ (R) staff about the purchase of a $19,000 lectern, a charge which include a $2,500 “consulting fee” and a $2,200 road case. What do you think? Read more...

» White House Gardener Finds Rotting Biden In Compost Bin
18/04/24 19:10 from RSS Feed
WASHINGTON—With worms in the pile of plant debris already starting to eat away at the late president’s flesh, veteran White House gardener Dale Haney told reporters Thursday he had found a rotting Joe Biden in a compost bin on the South ...

» Martin Scorcese To Direct Leonardo DiCaprio As Frank Sinatra For Rest Of Their Lives
18/04/24 17:55 from RSS Feed
LOS ANGELES—Noting that the highly anticipated biopic had always been a dream project, sources confirmed Thursday that Martin Scorsese would direct Leonardo DiCaprio as Frank Sinatra for the rest of their lives. “After working together o...

» Leak Suggests New Taylor Swift Album All About Sink Not Draining Good Because It Clogged By Long Hair
18/04/24 17:50 from RSS Feed
LOS ANGELES—Circulating online via a Google Drive link, an alleged leak of Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department left fans speculating Thursday that the new album would be all about the artist’s sink not draining good because it w...

» Pros And Cons Of Caitlin Clark Going To The WNBA
18/04/24 17:30 from RSS Feed
Iowa women’s basketball star Caitlin Clark was selected by the Indiana Fever as the first overall pick in the highly anticipated 2024 WNBA draft. The Onion investigates the pros and cons of the 22-year-old phenom going to play for the Wo...

» Attention-Seeking Friend Obviously Hoping Someone Will Ask Where Other Arm Went
18/04/24 16:25 from RSS Feed
CHAMPAIGN, IL—As she struggled to pull open the café door with an armful of books, friends of local woman Fela Torres reported Wednesday that the drama queen was, as usual, seeking everyone’s attention and obviously hoping the sad displa...

» Glade Introduces New Meat Freshener Spray
18/04/24 12:16 from RSS Feed
RACINE, WI—Touting the product as a quick, easy way to take the putrid stench out of expired goods, household brand Glade announced Wednesday that it had released a brand-new meat freshener spray. “With Glade’s new meat freshener spray, ...

» New Study Finds Rocket-Powered Roller Skates Still Fastest Way To Commute To Job As Eccentric Inventor
18/04/24 12:14 from RSS Feed
RESTON, VA—Documenting how spiraling loop-de-loops through traffic help workers speed past rush-hour bottlenecks, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Transportation Engineering found that rocket-powered roller skates were still ...

» All-Inclusive Living
18/04/24 10:30 from RSS Feed
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» Record Number Of Windmills Installed In 2023
18/04/24 10:15 from RSS Feed
A report from the Global Wind Energy Council found that worldwide, windmills able to produce 117 gigawatts of power were installed in 2023, a 50% increase from the previous year. What do you think? Read more...

» Marvel Fans Explain Why The Silver Surfer Could Never Be Female
18/04/24 10:00 from RSS Feed
Though most incarnations of the superhero have been male, it was recently announced that Julia Garner would play a female Silver Surfer in a new Fantastic Four movie. The Onion asked Marvel fans why the Silver Surfer could never be a wom...

» Florida Bans Local Heat Protections For Outdoor Workers
17/04/24 18:17 from RSS Feed
Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) signed a bill preventing local Florida governments from requiring heat protection for people working outdoors, such as in construction or agriculture, becoming the second state to adopt such a law after Texas. What ...

» Janet Yellen Unveils Plan To Boost Economy By Stealing World’s Largest Diamond
17/04/24 16:20 from RSS Feed
WASHINGTON—Calling the elaborate heist a surefire way to keep unemployment rates low while combating inflation, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen unveiled a plan Wednesday to boost the U.S. economy by stealing the largest gem-quality diamo...

» DOJ Announces You Didn’t See Any Of That
17/04/24 16:00 from RSS Feed
WASHINGTON—Warning that sweet, innocent little Americans should know by now to mind their own business, a blood-drenched Attorney General Merrick Garland began a televised press conference Wednesday by telling the nation it didn’t see an...

» New York City Launches New Shareable E-Cig Program
17/04/24 15:55 from RSS Feed
NEW YORK—In a long-awaited initiative that city officials said would ease the stress of busy, on-the-go New Yorkers, Mayor Eric Adams announced Wednesday the launch of a new shareable e-cig program that serves high-density areas througho...

» Quiz: Could You Serve On Donald Trump’s Jury?
17/04/24 12:29 from RSS Feed
Take our test to see if you’re enough of a shameless, unethical degenerate to serve on the jury of former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial in New York. Read more...

» Sharpshooting Mom Snipes Bread Out Of Daughter’s Hands From 800 Meters Away
17/04/24 12:09 from RSS Feed
DUBLIN, CA—Seconds after the small red dot from a laser-sighted weapon appeared on a slice of complimentary focaccia, witnesses at local restaurant Berevino reported Tuesday they had seen sharpshooting mother Kathy Denton snipe the bread...

» Tesla Lays off 14,000 Workers
17/04/24 10:15 from RSS Feed
Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced the layoffs of 10% of the company’s workforce, stating that the cuts would allow the foundering corporation to “be lean, innovative and hungry for the next growth phase cycle.” What do you think? Read more...

» Sports Bettors Explain How They Would Have Used $16 Million Of Ohtani’s Money
17/04/24 10:00 from RSS Feed
Ippei Mizuhara, the interpreter for Shohei Ohtani, allegedly stole $16 million from the Dodgers star and lost $40 million while gambling with the funds. The Onion asked sports bettors to explain how they would have used the money, and th...

» Trump’s Criminal Trial In Manhattan Begins
16/04/24 19:31 from RSS Feed
Donald Trump began his trial in Manhattan this week in the case regarding his hush money payments to cover up his affair with porn star Stormy Daniels, marking the first time a former American president has faced a criminal trial. What d...

» Brimstone Stocks Rise After Antichrist Ushers In Age Of Eternal Misery
16/04/24 11:00 from RSS Feed
NEW YORK—Provided with a bullish catalyst as the world was cast into perpetual darkness, brimstone stocks rose Tuesday on news that the Antichrist had ushered in the Age of Eternal Misery. “Common shares of brimstone surged to all-time h...

» Absent-Minded Man Can’t Remember Why He Slathered His Nude Body In Pork Fat And Lit Himself On Fire
16/04/24 10:45 from RSS Feed
ALPHARETTA, GA—Racking his brain for the reason he decided to apply lard to his person and publicly self-immolate, absent-minded man Tim Bagwell told reporters Tuesday that he couldn’t remember why he slathered his nude body in pork fat ...

» Subway Manager Shows New Hire How To Properly Soak Bread In Mop Water
16/04/24 10:30 from RSS Feed
LEBANON, IN—Noting that the sandwich-making technique was simple but might take a few tries to master, local Subway manager Keith Unger showed a new hire Tuesday how to properly soak bread in mop water. “So first things first: You’re goi...

» Dad Gives Knowing Nod To Family Also Dealing With Whiny Little Shit
16/04/24 10:15 from RSS Feed
CLEVELAND—In a sign of solidarity to a nearby child-burdened party attempting to eat breakfast in peace at a local IHOP, 43-year-old father Greg Markie reportedly gave a knowing nod Tuesday to another family also dealing with a whiny lit...

» Doctors Explain Why You Should Never Use ‘Vulva Balms’
16/04/24 10:00 from RSS Feed
As a general rule, if your TikTok feed begins pushing you unregulated medical products, you should probably keep them as far away from your genitals as possible. The Onion asked doctors to explain why you should never use ‘vulva balms,’ ...

» Travis Kelce Impresses Coachella Crowd By Tossing Taylor Swift 50 Feet Across Grounds
15/04/24 19:50 from RSS Feed
INDIO, CA—In a viral video clip that left fans fawning over the celebrity couple, Travis Kelce reportedly tossed Taylor Swift 50 feet across the festival grounds at Coachella Saturday night. “He picked her up and hurled her like it was n...

» Aaron Taylor-Johnson Wondering If Buying Tuxedo More Economical In Long Run Than Renting One For Each ‘Bond’ Film
15/04/24 18:55 from RSS Feed
LOS ANGELES—As rumors persist that he may be the next actor to take on the franchise’s lead role, Aaron Taylor-Johnson told reporters Monday that he had been wondering whether buying a tuxedo would be more economical in the long run than...

» Eric Trump Only Potential Juror Uninformed Enough To Serve At Father’s Trial
15/04/24 17:45 from RSS Feed
NEW YORK—Noting that the former president’s high-profile antics had made it exceedingly difficult to move ahead with the case, sources confirmed Monday that Eric Trump was the only potential juror uninformed enough to serve at his father...

» Everything We Know About ‘Joker 2’
15/04/24 11:59 from RSS Feed
Following the release of the trailer for Joker: Folie à Deux, The Onion reveals everything we know about the sequel to the popular 2019 film. Read more...

» Congress Quickly Passes Funding For National Night-Light After Waking Up From Scary Dream
15/04/24 11:52 from RSS Feed
WASHINGTON—Calling an emergency session around 12:39 a.m., Congress quickly approved a bill for a national night-light Monday after waking up from a scary dream. “While we’re definitely not afraid of the dark, keeping a light on somewher...

» Yoplait Label Warns Yogurts Must Reach Internal Temperature Of 165 Degrees Before Consumption
15/04/24 11:51 from RSS Feed
MINNEAPOLIS—Updating its packaging to include new USDA-mandated guidelines for safe yogurt preparation, Yoplait began warning Tuesday that its products must reach a minimum internal temperature of 165 degrees Fahrenheit prior to consumpt...

» Campaign Tail
15/04/24 10:30 from RSS Feed
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» 3 Rescued From Deserted Island After Spelling Out ‘Help’ On Beach
15/04/24 10:15 from RSS Feed
Three men who were stranded on an uninhabited island for over a week were rescued after spelling out “help” on the beach using palm leaves, helping the U.S. Coast Guard to spot them. What do you think? Read more...

» FDA Announces Their Fingers Smell Like Orange After Evaluating Some Oranges Earlier
15/04/24 10:00 from RSS Feed
SILVER SPRING, MD—Holding their fingers up under their noses, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that their fingers smelled like orange after evaluating some oranges earlier. “Smell them,” said FDA commissioner Robert M. C...

» This Week In Local April 13, 2024
13/04/24 13:00 from RSS Feed
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» This Week In Breaking News April 13, 2024
13/04/24 13:00 from RSS Feed
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» Nobody In Entire Dodgers Organization Has Heart To Tell Ohtani What Going On With Interpreter
12/04/24 18:45 from RSS Feed
LOS ANGELES—Confessing that they couldn’t stand the thought of bursting their teammate’s perfect little bubble, sources confirmed Friday that nobody in the Dodgers organization had the heart to tell Shohei Ohtani what was going on with h...

» Consumer Reports Finds Lead, High Sodium Levels In Lunchables
12/04/24 18:32 from RSS Feed
The advocacy group Consumer Reports found that Lunchables contain potentially dangerous levels of lead, cadmium, and phthalates, as well as nearly half a child’s recommended daily intake of sodium, and has advised the USDA to remove the ...

» Excavation Of Ancient Pompeii Kitchen Unearths Fully Intact ‘Leave The Gun, Take The Cannoli’ Tea Towel
12/04/24 18:30 from RSS Feed
NAPLES, ITALY—In what is being hailed as a milestone in understanding the civilization that thrived in the region prior to a devastating natural disaster, University of Cambridge archaeologists confirmed Friday that their excavation of a...

» Pros And Cons Of Leaving Abortion To States
12/04/24 18:15 from RSS Feed
While many supporters had hoped Donald Trump would support a 15-week federal abortion ban, the former president has instead stated that the issue should be left up to the states. The Onion explores the pros and cons of allowing each indi...

» Brightest gamma-ray burst of all time came from the collapse of a massive star
12/04/24 15:34 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
In 2022, astronomers discovered the brightest gamma-ray burst (GRB) of all time. Now, astronomers confirm that a 'normal' supernova, the telltale sign of a stellar collapse, accompanied the GRB. The team also looked for signatures of hea...

» Stellar winds of three sun-like stars detected for the first time
12/04/24 15:34 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
An international research team has for the first time directly detected stellar winds from three Sun-like stars by recording the X-ray emission from their astrospheres, and placed constraints on the mass loss rate of the stars via their ...

» Kansas City Chiefs Superfan ‘ChiefsAholic’ To Pay $10.8 Million For Bank Robbery
12/04/24 15:09 from RSS Feed
Xaviar Michael Babudar, known for attending Kansas City Chiefs games dressed as a wolf and going by the name “ChiefsAholic”, was sentenced to pay a bank teller $10.8 million in damages after an armed robbery of an Oklahoma credit union. ...

» Everything We Know About Arizona’s 1864 Abortion Ban
12/04/24 12:16 from RSS Feed
The Arizona Supreme Court ruled that a Civil War–era near-total abortion ban is law. The Onion provides in-depth analysis of everything we know about Arizona’s 1864 abortion law. Read more...

» Man Who Came To Restaurant Bald Forced To Wear Maître D’s Toupee
12/04/24 12:09 from RSS Feed
NEW YORK—Humiliated by the front-of-house manager’s derision, local diner Geoff Telsey was reportedly forced to wear the maître d’s toupee Friday after arriving at the restaurant Chez Moreau bald. “Sir, we require hair in the dining room...

» Parenting Experts Warn Of Negative Effects From Sealing Newborn For Years Inside Chamber Made Entirely Of Glowing Screens
12/04/24 12:08 from RSS Feed
ITHACA, NY—Describing the environment as inadequate for the cognitive development of children, parenting experts at Cornell University warned Wednesday that sealing a newborn for years inside a chamber made entirely of glowing screens co...

» What To Say If You Catch Your Son Watching Right-Wing Propaganda
12/04/24 10:30 from RSS Feed
Despite being unable to complete a single school assignment, 13-year-old boys somehow have the patience to sit through a four-hour Andrew Tate video. If you catch your son watching right-wing propaganda, here is what you should say. Read...

» Extra Egg Roll Thrown In By Mistake Becomes Man’s Sole Reason For Living
12/04/24 10:15 from RSS Feed
BANGOR, ME—Tearing away the pall of shadow and misery that had once cloaked his whole existence, an extra egg roll mistakenly thrown into a takeout order at local Chinese restaurant Panda Palace reportedly became Allen Russo’s sole reaso...

» New Mother Forced To Put Dream Of Becoming Central Asian Dictator On Hold
12/04/24 10:00 from RSS Feed
ASHGABAT, TURKMENISTAN—Putting her aspirations on the back burner for now, new mother Akja Charyeva told reporters Friday that she was forced to put her dream of becoming a Central Asian dictator on hold. “However much I want to bring th...

» Beautiful nebula, violent history: Clash of stars solves stellar mystery
11/04/24 20:59 from Strange & Offbeat News -- ScienceDaily
When astronomers looked at a stellar pair at the heart of a stunning cloud of gas and dust, they were in for a surprise. Star pairs are typically very similar, like twins, but in HD 148937, one star appears younger and, unlike the other,...