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9 Things about Being Single You Wish Your Married Friends Knew

Wed, 18 Dec 2024 16:59:03 +0000

9 Things About Being Single You Wish Your Married Friends Knew

You can read the blog below or watch it on YouTube by clicking here.

It’s true when people say you never know what it’s like to stand in someone else’s shoes.

This disconnect is happening every day in relationships between married and single friends in their 50’s, 60’s and 70’s as both men and women lose long-time spouses.

As a dating coach for women over 50, I hear the pain in women’s voices when they talk about their married friends and the social lives they miss being part of.

They longingly wish they could share what it’s like to be single and alone at this time in their life without coming across as needy or unhappy.

I’ve put together the 9 most common things I’ve heard from women over the years.

My hope is that this blog opens everyone’s eyes (single and married) to be more compassionate and aware of what it’s like when life changes, and you find yourself on your own and no longer part of a couple.

#1 . . . We know you mean well when you tell us what a great catch we are and that we’ll be married again before we know it.

But when it doesn’t happen right away, we feel like we’re a failure in your eyes.

Instead, we’d love if you could encourage us to go out and date when we’re ready and that you’ll be there to listen when we need a loving ear.

#2 . . . Please try and give the men we’re dating a chance.

We know it’s hard for you to adjust to us being with someone else especially when we’ve shared a long history together.

Whether he is in our life for six months or we marry him, if you and your husband could make an effort to get to know this new man, we’d so appreciate it.

We know it takes effort to get to know someone new but when you choose not to, what we feel is that you don’t care about our friendship anymore and that really hurts cause we miss being with you.

#3 . . . Please don’t share that you thought a man was bad for us after we’ve broken up with him.

Sometimes, even if you didn’t like him, we did.

Our hearts are hurting and we could use your loving support at this time.

#4 . . . If you haven’t heard from us in a while, instead of asking all our old friends if they’ve seen us, give us a call to make sure we’re ok.

It would mean a lot to know we’re still on your radar.

#5 . . . Please consider inviting us back to the holiday parties we always enjoyed over the years.

We miss connecting with our couple friends both male and female.

We were part of the group for a long time and it hurts to be left out.

#6 . . . Please understand we’ve had to experience a lot of change on our own such as downsizing, loss of people in our lives, and suddenly being single after being part of a couple for so many years.

You are blessed to have a partner to share your emotions with.

We are doing it all alone.

This is a time we could really use your support.

#7 . . . We can spend a lot of dinner times on both weekdays and weekends alone especially if our kids live far away.

Let’s do dinner together sometime and bring your husband too.

We’re not interested in him in any way except as a friend and we miss the friendship all of us shared.

#8 . . . Many of us are strong successful women.

We have a tendency to hide the pain we’re feeling and will act as if everything is alright.

Sometimes if we feel close and safe with you, we will dump everything that has been happening in our lives on you because we have no one else to share our thoughts with.

We don’t mean to do that but we are so grateful you let us express what is on our mind.

#9 . . . We so treasure our friendship and we’re here for you too when you need us.

Now it’s your turn.

Agree? Disagree?

Would love to hear your thoughts.

Just post them below.

Post Comment

Believing in You!

P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50

#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon  

Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here

#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group

It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here

#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program

I would love to learn more about your dating journey, understand where you might be stuck, and give you a personalized step-by-step blueprint to attract the right man. And maybe even talk about how we can work together.

If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.

#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel

Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.

The post 9 Things about Being Single You Wish Your Married Friends Knew appeared first on FindAQualityMan.com.

5 Tips to Boost Your Happiness This Holiday Season

Wed, 11 Dec 2024 17:34:39 +0000

5 Tips to Boost Your Happiness This Holiday Season

Recently, on a flight, I overheard two flight attendants talking about the upcoming holidays.

One of the flight attendants was in her fifties and I overheard her telling her colleague that she was going to work this year on both Christmas and New Years.

She said it would be less lonely to work than to spend the holidays by herself.

She is not alone feeling this way.

Holidays can be tough when you’re single.

I know that watching couples and families celebrate the holiday cheer when you’re out and about can be heart wrenching and make you feel so alone.

So, this year… turn that around and do some fun things for you.

Holiday Happiness #1 – Pamper Yourself

There is nothing better than doing something special for you.

Maybe a manicure or pedicure? A facial? Let someone take care of you for a couple of hours.

An added benefit of giving you this gift is you are the sexiest and most desirable to a man when you feel good about you.

Holiday Happiness #2 – Go Out And Have A Good Time With Your Girlfriends

Back in my 40’s when I first started dating, I made a list of every single woman I knew.

Then I used this list to make plans whenever I wanted to go out to dinner or to a movie.

BTW . . . Because of this list, when I wasn’t dating, I was rarely home on a Saturday night!

It’s also the perfect solution for not being alone during the holidays.

Make your list then invite a friend to join you at your favorite restaurant for a festive dinner.

This is a great way during the holiday season to get yourself out of the house and into the holiday cheer.

BTW . . . your friends will be thrilled you organized this activity!

Holiday Happiness #3 – Start Putting Your Dating Fairy Godmothers To Work For You!

During this time of year with parties happening everywhere you turn, you never know who you might meet.

Choose 5 friends and ask each one to keep their eyes open during the holiday season for a great single guy they might be able to fix you up with.

He could be at their office party or even in their yoga class.

Remember, friends forget you are single so you need to keep reminding them to always be on the lookout for a great match for you.

Holiday Happiness #4 – Do Something Crazy Like Book A Last Minute Cruise With Your Sister or A Friend

It’s nice to have a man in your life, but you can still have a lot of fun without one.

There are lots of last minute deals you can take advantage of making a cruise or even a weekend away relatively inexpensive.

You might not be watching the sunset with that special guy but you can still have a good time, laughing with your friends and who knows… there might be a great single guy on that vacation just waiting to meet you.

Holiday Happiness #5 – Get Online And Start Looking For Your New Guy Tonight!

Men are online at all hours both day and night.

And they, too, are lonely at this time of year.

So try a new dating site or a free app.

Get the conversation started and just have fun meeting someone new and interesting.

He may turn out to be perfect for you!

My client, Beth almost passed her guy up because he was only an inch taller than her.

After much persuasion, she did give him a chance.

Today, they are happily in a relationship and recently he cooked an amazing meal for Beth and her family.

Beth was in her late 60’s when she met her guy.

Never give up hope.

You can find love after 50!

Go get inspired and listen to her Love Story by clicking here.

Believing in you!

Believing in You!

P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50

#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon  

Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here

#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group

It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here

#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program

If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.

#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel

Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.

The post 5 Tips to Boost Your Happiness This Holiday Season appeared first on FindAQualityMan.com.

9 Must Know Places for Meeting Quality Men during the Holidays

Wed, 04 Dec 2024 23:28:37 +0000

9 Must Know Places for Meeting Quality Men during the Holidays

The holiday season often feels like one of the loneliest times on the planet when you’re single and alone.

It can feel like everyone is a couple except YOU.

The way to turn this around so you’re not alone next year is to get proactive about meeting men.

Here are 9 suggestions to get you started.

1. Sporting Goods Stores – Men are in them all the time buying themselves things like running shoes, golf clubs, weights and gym equipment.

And men love nothing more than giving advice . . . so get the conversation started by asking him questions about something you want to buy.

Once he shares his thoughts be sure to smile and thank him for his advice.

2. Friends’ holiday parties – Parties can be intimidating when you’re alone. Go up to anyone who is standing looking like they are lost.

They will be so happy to have someone to talk to and you never know you might end up meeting a great guy or making a new friend.

3. Mall shopping – Even men need to buy gifts for their families over the holidays.

It’s worth taking a look at whose around you while you’re crossing things off your shopping list.

Try the food court too.

Shopping is exhausting so you might find a few men taking a break there.

4. Home Depot or Lowe’s – Men fix things in their homes all the time and often fix things in their family’s homes as well.

See a cute guy minus the ring?

Like you would in a sporting good stores, ask him for advice.

5. Starbucks or Panera – I’ll often go to Panera or similar lunch spots and grab some lunch while working.

Lots of men do too.

Find a spot next to a man you’d like to meet and ask him how to connect to the wifi.

Questions are always great ice breakers.

6. Whole Foods – or your favorite grocery store especially around dinner time.

Single men have to eat and most don’t cook for themselves so you’ll often find them standing around the prepared foods section picking out that night’s dinner.

7. Local upscale restaurants – I can’t tell you the number of single men I’ve seen dining at the bar on a weeknight.

Go for a glass of wine either by yourself or with a friend to the kind of restaurant that people our age frequent.

Also, check out the happy hour so many food establishments offer.

8. Meetup.com events – more and more over 50 groups can be found on Meetup in person and virtually.

Also try Meetups that cater to special interests you have like Scrabble, wine tasting or dining out.

9. The best place of all: your computer – online dating is the spot to find the most single men our age.

The Bonus: you can even do it in your jammies, at any time of day or night that is convenient for you.

Have a Happy Holiday Season and stay safe!

I found an Amazing Gentleman thanks to Lisa

I came to Lisa a broken and lost woman. I’d lost my husband of 34 years. After much personal grieving and growth, I joined Lisa’s Love after 50 Group Coaching Program. I got the support, and guidance I needed that gave me the confidence and the courage to dip my toe into the dating pool. With what I learned about myself and men, I was able to take a leap of faith and joined an online dating site. Training with Lisa’s Love after 50 Coaching Group, I was really able to dig down deep into my core essence and bring to the surface the important values I am looking for and need in a partner. As a result, I am now dating an Amazing Gentleman. We are so happy! I am forever grateful to Lisa for her support and encouragement. Alex, Ohio

Believing in you!

Believing in You!

P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50

#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon  

Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here

#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group

It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here

#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program

If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.

#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel

Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.

The post 9 Must Know Places for Meeting Quality Men during the Holidays appeared first on FindAQualityMan.com.

Thu, 28 Nov 2024 04:44:16 +0000

Ready to Transform Your Love Life with This One Powerful Tip?

You can read the blog below or watch it on YouTube by clicking here.

Ever feel like if you just had a better profile or more pictures, the right man would show up and reach out to you?

The thing is, men do show up especially when you join a dating site.

But here’s the problem I most often hear about.

The men reading your profile and contacting you aren’t the men you’re interested in.

And the men you want to meet, well they just never reach out.

Sound familiar?

It’s really frustrating, right?

So why’s this happening to you over and over again?

What I’ve found is most women don’t realize they’re running what I call Dating “Malware” programs.

Now, you might be wondering what the heck is Dating “Malware” and how is it affecting you?

Let’s start with what Malware is.

Malware is a program that gets into your computer from opening malicious email attachments, suspicious downloads, etc.

You might not even know it’s there until one day, your computer crashes.

You call a service company and they have to literally exorcise the Malware to get your computer back up and running properly.

The same thing goes with Dating “Malware”.

On the surface, you’re excited to get out there and find the right man you can share your heart, life, and love with.

You go online . . . see some amazing guys but they don’t write to you.

Instead, the guy with no shirt writes.

Or the one who took a selfie with his toilet behind him contacts you.

At this point, you’re feeling a little frustrated but you keep at it and start favoring the handsome guy with the great job who looks like he can treat you like a Queen.

When he doesn’t notice you, you decide to write to him.

Most men like to be the pursuer so it usually fizzles quickly even if he does write back.

What comes next is you starting second-guessing yourself with thoughts like . . .

Maybe I’m too old to find love (You aren’t! My clients in their 50’s, 60’s and 70’s are finding relationships with good men every day)
Or men only like younger women (Not true. Women I work with are getting into relationships with men their age who are treating them like Queens)
Or no good men are online (They are! It’s where my clients are finding great men every day)

Statements like these are what I refer to as Dating “Malware”.

They are mindset programs you may not even be aware of that are running just below the surface and this vibration is what keeps you from finding the right man.

When you’re running a belief like . . . “there are no good men online” then guess who you’ll attract?

Not so great men.

Most women don’t realize they’re even running these programs because they are just under the surface wreaking havoc with your dating life.

But you probably are running them if you’re not finding the right man to share your heart, love, and life with.

So if you want to STOP this vicious cycle and are ready to finally attract a quality man who will SHOW UP and COMMIT to you, then let’s book a complimentary session to talk about how to make this happen.

Yes, the call is totally free, but it’s not for everyone.

This call is available for you ONLY if you are:

A single woman over 50 [not in a relationship/or dating anyone]
An amazing woman who is a catch and is ready to put herself and her dream FIRST for finding true love with the right man (not later when there’s more time, or when work slows down, or your kids or grandkids don’t need you anymore).
A woman with a huge heart who wants to create a future with the right man . . . and doesn’t want to let another 5 or 10 years go by before it happens.

If this sounds like you and finding love with the right man is a priority then CLICK HERE to apply for one of these calls.

The 45 minutes we’ll spend together could totally change your life as it did for Maryanne.

I joined Lisa’s Love after 50 Coaching Group because I needed help. I listened to the modules, came on the group calls, and using what I learned, did a lot of mindset shifting, and ended up meeting my guy. BTW – in the past, I would have passed him up if I hadn’t had my Quality Man Template. I also learned so much about men and understanding who they are that has helped me be in a successful relationship. Lisa, you are just a wonderful coach. You unlocked the key for me about myself and men that got me the amazing man I am now sharing my life with. Maryanne, Connecticut

CLICK HERE to get started if you’re ready and excited to change your love life!

Believing in You!

P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50

#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon  

Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here

#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group

It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here

#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program

If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.

#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel

Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.

The post

3 step method for coping with the loneliness and the emptiness you feel inside as a single woman over 50

Wed, 20 Nov 2024 17:39:48 +0000

A 3 Step Method for Coping with the Loneliness and
the Emptiness You Feel Inside as a Single Woman Over 50

One of the hardest things you face as a single woman in her 50’s, 60’s or 70’s is the loneliness you can feel when you’re missing a man in your life.

Everywhere you go, you see couples holding hands, kissing, and whispering in each other’s ear over the private life they share.

It can intensify the loneliness and makes you feel as if your life is incomplete.

In my 50’s, I can remember coming out of a long relationship feeling lost and very alone.

Instead of being part of TWO . . . I was now a “ONE” and I was having a hard time adjusting to my new status.

I shared this with a married friend of mine who gave me some great advice.

She said, “Enjoy this time of getting to know you again. Once you’re back in a relationship, you’ll wish you’d had more of it.”

This was great advice but I was at a loss for finding me again.

All I wanted to do was be part of a couple once more.

Then one day, I woke up and it was as if while I was sleeping, I was given 3 Steps for how to open my heart to myself, my life and ultimately love with a man again.

I want to share these with you today. Give them a try and let me know how they fill the emptiness for you.

Step #1

Not feeling love every day can intensify the loneliness missing from your daily life.

So, how do you get the heart energy back when you’re single?

Chances are you spent years bending like a pretzel doing what an ex or everyone else wanted to do.

You put yourself last.

Now it’s time to dream again and do the things you’ve always wanted to try without having to run it past anyone but you.

This can be both exciting and freeing at the same time.

For me, I’d always wanted to take a painting class.

I did and today those framed paintings hang on the walls of my home.

I just light up when I walk by them because I went after my dream of becoming an artist.

Now it’s your turn. Take a minute and write a list of what you’ve always wanted to do.

Then choose one of your dreams and start taking action steps to make it happen this week.

You’ll find that your passions can open your heart and make you glow.

Step #2

You can feel love in your heart without involving a man.

Start by making a list of all the people, animals or places in your life you love.

I am blessed to have two granddaughters in my life.

When I was single and feeling alone, I’d tap into my feelings of how much I loved them.

My heart just opened up and that felt amazing.

Ask yourself who do you love with all your heart?

Maybe it’s your dog, cat, kids, grandkids, friends, parents?

Whoever it is, just allow those feelings of love you’re feeling to flow through you.

This is a very comforting step that helps you remember that love can be felt in all different ways, not just as part of a couple.

Step #3

Treat yourself and do something to nurture YOU every day.

As women, we have a tendency to give to everyone but ourselves.

This can leave you feeling both drained and exhausted.

When you’re exhausted you feel empty and it’s pretty hard to give or get the love you want.

So how do you start the process of filling up again?

Planning a fun activity will give you something to look forward to every day.

It can be as simple as reading a book in the bathtub surrounded by luxurious bubbles while sipping your favorite glass of wine, or taking a walk at your favorite park or meeting a friend at a restaurant you’ve always wanted to try.

Use these 3 steps to fill up again from your passions in life, from feeling love and from giving and receiving love from yourself.

Then go back out there and date because you can only attract from where you’re out.

That’s why you want to feel love so you attract a man who can love you as much as you do.

It is possible to meet your perfect match!

When I met Lisa and began her “Love after 50” group program, I was 73 years old, over 6 feet tall and had not dated in many, many years. I saw these all as real obstacles to finding a relationship. To my amazement, the man I found, while working with Lisa, in addition to having every single quality I was looking for in a partner, saw these as assets! As a widower, he had not dated in many years, he loves tall women and never lets me forget that he is 2 years younger. I believe that we found each other because of Lisa’s guidance helping me get really clear on who I wanted, fine-tuning my profile to reflect that vision along with having access to all of tools that she has created for the program and her personal guidance. Unsure and very hesitant to start dating again, she was my perfect match for making this happen in my life! Heather, New Jersey

Would you love having a good man in your life like Heather now has?

Imagine . . . no more searching for Mr. Right.

No more wondering where can I find him?

And waking up every morning with that love and sweetness in your life.

If this sounds amazing, just click here and let’s set up a time to talk and see how we can make this happen for you.

Believing in you!

Believing in You!

P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50

#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon  

Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here

#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group

It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here

#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program

If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.

#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel

Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.

The post 3 step method for coping with the loneliness and the emptiness you feel inside as a single woman over 50 appeared first on FindAQualityMan.com.

3 Secrets Why Other Women are Getting The Guy While You’re Still Struggling In Over 50’s Dating

Wed, 13 Nov 2024 14:59:31 +0000

3 Secrets Why Other Women Are Getting The Guy While You’re Still Struggling In Over 50’s Dating

You can read the blog below or watch it on YouTube by clicking here.

Women tell me all the time how amazed they are by a girlfriend who is getting a zillion dates while they are struggling to get even one date with a good man.

What do these women do that you might not be doing?

I’m going to be sharing 3 of these secrets with you in today’s blog.

Secret #1 . . . It all starts with recognizing a man who is a great catch.

Do you remember the plot of the Disney movie, Beauty and the Beast? (How many times did we watch that with our kids?)

Belle falls in love with the Beast because of how kind he is and how well he treats her.

She doesn’t know that beneath his ugly exterior is a man who was once very handsome.

Even though she is repelled by his appearance, once she gets to know the Beast, she finds her heart opening to him.

Oftentimes, women tell me that a MUST HAVE quality is the handsomeness of a man.

Here’s a little secret for you . . . as you get to know a man, your attraction to him can grow big time!

What counts for getting the long-term relationship is his personality and more importantly how he treats you.

This is why you want to consider giving Average Joe a chance.

He’ll probably be a far better boyfriend for you than Mr. Hottie will any day.

Mr. Hottie will want you to feel lucky he chose you.

On the other hand, Average Joe will feel honored you chose him and he’ll do everything he can to show you he’s worthy of being your guy.

Secret #2 . . . Listen to a man the way he wants to be heard

When you’re speaking with girlfriends, you talk about one subject then in the middle of that subject, you move to another subject, then you go back to the original subject then back out again to something else.

In the midst of all this, you’re talking over each other, finishing each others sentences, asking questions, and starting new trails of conversation that all of your girlfriends can follow. Right?

This is how women communicate!

But it’s not the way men communicate.

Most men can follow only ONE STREAM of thought at a time.

When you interrupt a man with additional questions, he thinks you aren’t listening to him because you didn’t give him a chance to finish his thoughts before you asked him something else.

Believe me, I know you’re listening.

But you’re listening in a female way that men just don’t understand.

I want to show you what you can do instead that really works with men. Ready?

Ask a man ONE question at a time.

Allow him to talk and get everything he needs to say about this one question until he slows down and stops talking.

Often times he’ll even say, “I’m done,” or “That’s it.”

Now, count 5-10 seconds before you ask him another question just to be sure he’s finished with the last one.

I promise when you do this, you will touch his heart and he will feel like the luckiest man around.

When he feels treasured, he’ll want to do everything in his power to make your life easier.

Secret #3 . . . Make a man feel like your hero and watch your dating life change

In this day and age with what you’ve gone through in life, you’ve probably become pretty self-sufficient.

You had to. You didn’t have a choice or you wouldn’t have survived.

But what it did was it took away a man’s power of feeling like he’s needed in your life.

Men are wired to keep you safe, protected, and provided for to the best of their ability.

When you can do it all, he thinks, what does she need me for?

Try making a man your hero.

It can be as simple as letting him open the door for you or asking him for a favor or his help.

Watch a man’s body language when you allow him to be your hero.

His chest puffs up and he struts because he is so proud he made you happy.

Just be sure to thank and appreciate what he’s done.

If you do, he will always want to be the man who loves making you happy.

Now a little inspiration for you today . . .

So VERY HAPPY – I Found My Guy!

I am thrilled to say I found him, or we found each other and it is going great! I have to say, he is nothing like the guys I was in relationships with in the past. That Pattern Chart exercise was so helpful and pointed out some poor repeated behavior choices that I set out to change or avoid this time around. That along with learning how to rephrase things in MAN language and remembering I can be a flirty girl made a huge difference in dating. I learned so much and put it into practice and it worked! I couldn’t be happier! Thanks for all the support Lisa! Got to go now and get ready to go see my guy!!! So, very happy!!! Jeanne, Wa.

Believing in you!

Believing in You!

P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50

#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon  

Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here

#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group

It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here

#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program

If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.

#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel

Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.

The post 3 Secrets Why Other Women are Getting The Guy While You’re Still Struggling In Over 50’s Dating appeared first on FindAQualityMan.com.

Is Your Energy Pushing Men Away After 50?

Wed, 06 Nov 2024 13:56:34 +0000

Is Your Energy Pushing Men Away After 50?

You can read the blog below or watch it on YouTube by clicking here.

Recently I received a letter from a woman who told me nothing was working in her dating life.

No one was interested in her.

No one was interested in her friends either.

They, like her, were experiencing loneliness and a lack of contact with men.

She and her friends in their 50’s, 60’s and 70’s felt invisible to men.

It doesn’t have to be this way at all.

The problem is most women think finding a good guy is about having the right profile and picture.

Your profile and pictures are important but getting a great guy actually starts within you and the mindset you have about men and yourself.

So what does shifting your mindset about men and you mean?

It’s so easy to get caught in the type of rut I described above.

If your friends are having trouble getting dates, instead of looking at themselves . . . the finger gets turned around and pointed at the men out there and their behavior.

It’s not about the men you want to meet.

It’s about you and how you feel about yourself that makes the difference.

Yes men are attracted to your physical appearance.

It’s how they’re wired from the caveman days of mating with women who could produce strong children that could survive the brutal elements.

What you may not know is that men are also attracted to your energy.

You give off a vibe that men can feel from your profile picture, in emails the two of you exchange, on the phone or even when you meet.

When it comes to dating, there are two types of vibrations you put out into the world.

I mentioned the first already and that is how you feel about yourself.

When you feel beautiful both inside and out, men can sense this and are attracted to you.

By the way, your Inner Glow enhances your outer magnificence and makes you even more attractive to men.

To get that inner fire glowing, you’ll want to really look at what you love about you.

Let’s start with your physical qualities.

Sometimes it’s hard to love your body as you age.

To turn this around, you’ll want to shift your mindset to one of gratitude for what your body can do.

For example, a lot of women don’t love their arms but can have gratitude for them because they use their arms to hug the people they love.

Next rediscover your passions.

Think about the things you’re good at or the activities you’d love to try.

I always wanted to paint so I took classes in both watercolor and acrylics.

My friends and even some of the men I dated back then would tell me my face lit up when I talked about the colors I had fun playing with.

This so called “lighting up” is what men are so drawn to in you.

The second type of energy is about the mindset you have when it comes to men.

A lot of women think women reside in those masculine bodies they’re interested in.

They don’t!

Men think totally differently than women.

And this can frustrate you to no end if you don’t speak the language men can hear or understand.

This misunderstanding can lead you to male bashing.

If you’re talking negatively about men with your friends, I guarantee this downbeat energy shows up in your energy field and pushes men away.

If you come from a mindset that men are fun and really cool in their own way, your energy field gives off this vibe instead, which again draws men towards you.

Good men are interested in women our age.

The secret is learning to love ourselves so we can allow the men we want to meet to love us too.

It is possible to meet your perfect match!

Believing in you!

Believing in You!

P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50

#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon  

Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here

#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group

It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here

#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program

If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.

#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel

Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.

The post Is Your Energy Pushing Men Away After 50? appeared first on FindAQualityMan.com.

The Top 3 Qualities To Look For In A Man If You Want a Good Relationship After 50

Wed, 30 Oct 2024 15:00:43 +0000

The Top 3 Qualities To Look For In A Man If You Want a Good Relationship After 50

You can read the blog below or watch it on YouTube by clicking here.

#1 . . . Look for a Nice Guy versus a Bad Boy

Most women think they want a nice guy but what they really want is a nice guy who is a little like the Bad Boy.

That’s because Bad Boys can make your heart sing.

The thing is Bad Boys are all talk and few follow that talk up with action so that leaves you with a guy who isn’t really there for you.

A nice man is usually commitment oriented.

He wants a good woman to love, cherish and adore.

And he’s the man who will always follow his words up with an action that makes your life a little easier for you.

So many nice men are on the dating sites waiting for a good woman to give them a chance.

Will you?

#2 . . . Look for a man who wants to make it all about you

From the day I met my friend Ron, he always told me that the most important thing to look for in a man is that he wants to make it all about you.

What does this mean?

He really wants to make you happy and will do everything in his power to put that smile on your face.

The problem is, women often criticize men for not doing things the way they might do it.

When you do this to a man, you are literally cutting him off at the knees, making him feel like he can never do anything to please you and this is when men stop trying to make you happy.

Learn to receive from men even when it’s not quite the way you expected.

My friend Ron sometimes rolls his eyes when he thinks of all the times he’s made an effort and women haven’t appreciated him for doing it.

Be sure to always thank a man and appreciate him for trying to make you happy.

#3…Choose a man based on values versus activities you share.

Part of figuring out the right man for you comes from designing a Quality Man Template.

It’s something every one of my clients creates so they can identify who a good man is for them at this time in their life.

In the Quality Man Template, I ask my clients to list 50 qualities and 10-15 values they want in a man.

Qualities are things like bike riding or enjoying fine dining.

The issue with qualities is someone can wine and dine you, and yet treat you horribly.

And you don’t want that.

It’s why values are so important for you to identify.

Honesty, integrity, monogamy, and loyalty are examples of values.

Values are what hold a relationship together…they are the glue.

I can almost guarantee that values that are important to you were missing from past relationships and that’s why it didn’t work out.

Take the time to make a list of at least 10 values that a man must have to date you.

Then let these be your guide versus chemistry when you are looking for the right man to share your heart and life with.

I’d have MISSED my guy if I’d used this quality trying to decide if he’s the one

Lisa, if I hadn’t memorized your advice to wait a few dates and NOT look for an immediate spark, (he’s 5’9” to my 6′, bald, overweight- as am I), I would not have had the opportunity to be walked to my car, asked politely to be kissed (the man has seriously good skills), and the fun and excitement of making out like teenagers for a few dates.

Thanks to what I learned from you, I have found the love of my life. He calls me his Nordic Goddess. I feel so cherished and feel so lucky we found each other. Oh, and he’s been so there for me as I’ve gone through a rough knee replacement. He rose to the occasion, impressing me and my kids. They are now all team Mark! Just can’t thank you enough for all your support. Ginny, Massachusetts

Would you love having a good man in your life like Ginny now has?

Imagine . . . no more searching for Mr. Right.

No more wondering where can I find him?

And waking up every morning with that love and sweetness in your life.

If this sounds amazing, just click here and let’s set up a time to talk and see how we can make this happen for you.

Believing in you!

Believing in You!

P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50

#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon  

Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here

#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group

It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here

#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program

If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.

#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel

Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.

The post The Top 3 Qualities To Look For In A Man If You Want a Good Relationship After 50 appeared first on FindAQualityMan.com.

5 Signs You Might Be Addicted To A Man and What You Can Do About It

Wed, 23 Oct 2024 15:22:46 +0000

5 Signs You Might Be Addicted To A Man and What You Can Do About It

You can read the blog below or watch it on YouTube by clicking here.

Back in my 40’s, I thought I loved a man who turned out to be so wrong for me.

We’d broken up at least 3 times during the two and a half years we were together.

But while apart, an intense longing for the other would occur.

It was only a matter of time before we’d come back together to celebrate a harmonious honeymoon truce.

But, it wouldn’t take long for the problems that created the breakup to reappear.

Finally, after two and a half years I said ENOUGH…We’re DONE!

I knew we didn’t belong together but I was not prepared for how hard it would be to let go of him.

Even though I was the one who ended the relationship, I still felt so connected because every time I thought about him, my body was releasing Oxytocin, the bonding hormone which created the physical addiction I had to this man.

It took almost a year to break this hormonal addiction!

I don’t want you to have to go through what happened to me and that’s why I want to share 5 signs that will help you identify whether or not you are addicted to a man and what you can do to break the cycle if this is happening in your life.

Sign #1 – Oxytocin creates a high that is often mistaken for love.

Normally, women experience the bonding that comes from Oxytocin for up to 2 weeks after being intimate with a man.

If you’re addicted, you can trigger it every time you think about him or see his picture.

When Oxytocin is released, it’s like getting a hit.

It stops the longing and makes you feel connected all over again which feels good when you are in a relationship but really plays games with your head once you’ve broken up and want to disconnect.

Sign #2 – Ask yourself what you really love about a man you feel an intense connection with.

I loved this man but truthfully, we were so different that my friends would even say why are you with him?

I kept coming back to the relationship because it felt so good when I was around him.

You want to share similar values with a man and you want to feel emotionally safe which is pretty hard to feel when you are breaking up every 10 seconds.

Sign #3 – Next, ask yourself what you don’t love about him.

We kept breaking up for a reason.

We had very little in common and there was a great deal I didn’t like about him including deal breakers I didn’t honor hoping he’d change for me.

By the way, when you don’t honor your deal breakers you are settling.

Sign #4 – Ask yourself if what he brings to the table is enough for the type of relationship you want to create with him.

Other than the Oxytocin high, almost everything else in this type of relationship feels annoying, irritating, and unsolvable.

That’s because the relationship doesn’t have enough to sustain it beyond the hormones keeping it together.

Sign #5 – What you can do to overcome the addiction…

The longing will come back, but with it, you’ll also feel a sense of freedom from being out from under a relationship that isn’t working.

An Oxytocin addiction can stay with you for years.

To break it, start by acknowledging this is occurring.

Stop all contact with the man by phone, email, Facebook, and in person… Otherwise, the addiction starts all over again.

You can do it, but it takes time.

Be kind to yourself especially when you’re feeling frustrated because the addiction isn’t ending fast enough.

Plan activities you can do that make you feel good.

Get some friends together to be your support group.

You will feel like a freak at times but know you aren’t alone.

This happens to normal people all the time.

The key is identifying it so you can take these 5 steps to overcome the Oxytocin high and move on.

I found an Amazing Man

I came to Lisa a broken and lost woman. I’d lost my husband of 34 years to a rare disease. After much personal grieving and growth, I connected with Lisa and joined her Love after 50 Coaching Group. With Lisa’s encouragement and guidance, and the support of the other women in the group, I was able to take a leap of faith and joined an online dating site. I am happy to report I found an Amazing Gentleman and we’ve been dating for over four months now. I am forever grateful to Lisa for all the advice she has shared with me. Remember, no risk, no reward! Love and hugs Alex, Ohio

I’d love to help you find an amazing man too.

Let’s hop on a Complimentary Dating Breakthrough Call where we’ll take a look at what’s been working and not working in your love life and I’ll give you SPECIFIC feedback that will help you to finally attract, meet and keep the right man.

Sound like a plan?

If so, click here to book it right now :)

Believing in You!

P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50

#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon  

Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here

#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group

It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here

#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program

If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.

#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel

Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.

The post 5 Signs You Might Be Addicted To A Man and What You Can Do About It appeared first on FindAQualityMan.com.

The 15 Best Do’s and Don’ts for Posting Pictures On a Dating Site After 50

Wed, 16 Oct 2024 15:13:06 +0000

The 15 Best Do’s and Don’ts for Posting Pictures On a Dating Site After 50

You can read the blog below or watch it on YouTube by clicking here.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

This is so true, especially when it comes to online dating sites and apps.

Men are visual, which means to get your profile noticed online, you need a great picture.

It’s why I created a list of picture-taking do’s and don’ts just for you.

It’s the first step to getting noticed by the good guys online.

#1 . . . DON’T post pictures where a man needs a magnifying glass to see you.

I don’t care how beautiful that mountain is behind you.

If it takes up more space than you do, don’t use the picture.

#2 . . . DON’T wear clothing that reveals too much.

A little cleavage is acceptable but showing three-quarters of your breast covered only by a small piece of material is not okay.

When you do this, men think you are looking for a sex partner, not a relationship.

#3 . . . DON’T post pictures with your friends.

How many times have you seen men post pictures with 3 of their closest friends?

I bet you started wondering which one is the guy who wrote the profile?

And how often did you wish it were the guy’s friend posting the profile because he was better looking?

Men do the same thing when you post pictures with other women.

Do yourself a favor and only post pictures of you!

#4 . . . DON’T post pictures with other men, even if he’s your son, brother or father.

Believe it or not, men think it’s a man you’ve dated in the past or are still involved with.

It’s a turn off so don’t do it.

#5 . . . DON’T take selfies.

No one likes seeing someone’s toilet in the background or the camera covering half your face in the mirror.

#6 . . . DON’T post pictures with your animals and grandchildren.

They may be cute but believe it or not, they are seen as competition for your time with men.

#7 . . . DON’T post pictures that make you look mad, sad, or indifferent to life.

I know you may be wondering who does this?

But . . . believe me when I tell you that lots of women do.

And when a man sees a picture like this, he thinks . . . NEXT and moves on.

#8 . . . DO know that men are visual creatures.

The first thing he will look at is your picture, not what you’ve written in your profile.

That means you want to post a great picture of you that catches his attention as he’s scrolling through the dating site.

#9 . . . DO take a picture that shows your best assets.

If it’s your legs, be sure to show them.

If it’s your waist, show that.

You want to grab a man’s attention with what is great about you.

#10 . . . DO know that you have 10 seconds to get a man’s attention.

Make your picture count!

#11 . . . DO post at least 2 great pictures of you: a good headshot and a full body shot.

When you only post headshots, men think you’re hiding something you don’t want them to see.

And often that’s exactly what you’re doing.

I know you’re probably figuring that once he gets to know you, it won’t matter.

Believe me, it does matter in the sense that it makes him question you and your honesty.

He’ll think, if you’re dishonest about this, what else aren’t you telling him?

Be honest here because, in reality, you want a guy who accepts you for exactly who you are.

#12 . . . DO hire a pro or ask a friend or one of your kids who is camera savvy to take photos for you.

The advantage of a professional photograph is they help you stand out from everyone else on the site.

Just make sure the photographer does minimal retouching and that you look like the person in the picture.

That being said, mobile phones take pretty good pics so it’s worth asking someone who is photo savvy to help you out.

#13 . . . DO wear clothing that makes you look and feel your best.

You take a better picture when you are feeling like the amazing woman you are.

And when you smile and say “Cheese”, act as if you’re looking into your guys eyes.

The emotions come across in your pics.

#14 . . . DO post recent pictures.

I admit it’s nice to look like you’re 40 again but there’s something wrong when a guy has to call you because he can’t figure out who you are at the Starbucks where you’re meeting.

#15 . . . DO SMILE! Men are naturally drawn to pictures of women who smile.

Your smile makes you glow and gives the impression that you are fun and positive to be around.

This is so attractive to the men you want to meet!

It is possible at 73 to meet your perfect match!

When I met Lisa and began her “Love after 50” group program, I was 73 years old, over 6 feet tall and had not dated in many, many years. I saw these all as real obstacles to finding a relationship. To my amazement, the man I found, while working with Lisa, in addition to having every single quality I was looking for in a partner, saw these as assets! As a widower, he had not dated in many years, he loves tall women and never lets me forget that he is 2 years younger than me. I believe that we found each other because of Lisa’s guidance helping me get really clear on who I wanted, fine-tuning my profile to reflect that vision along with having access to all of tools that she has created for the program and her personal guidance. Unsure and very hesitant to start dating again, she was my perfect match for making this happen in my life! Heather, New Jersey

Ready to have your love life be different?

If so, let’s set up a time to talk about how you can make it happen.

Just click here to get started.

Believing in you!!!!!

Believing in You!

P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50

#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon  

Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here

#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group

It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here

#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program

If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.

#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel

Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.

The post The 15 Best Do’s and Don’ts for Posting Pictures On a Dating Site After 50 appeared first on FindAQualityMan.com.

Men Seeking Love Should Definitely Use A Professional Matchmaker

Sat, 05 Nov 2022 20:50:34 +0000

Many new singles entering the dating world are discovering that it’s not that easy to find that special someone. Today the use of dating apps is every popular but even that can turn into an almost full time job. This can be difficult for busy professional men. So, men seeking love should definitely use a professional matchmaker.

But like dating apps, one size doesn’t fit all. We have all seen the Bravo TV show Millionaire Matchmaker. Here a man picks from a group of women with the hope one will win his heart. That is not the way it typically works.

Today’s matchmakers are generally broken down into two distinct groups. The large national chains and the specialized boutique matchmaker.

The national chains in many ways are not much different from regular online dating or dating apps. Here a matchmaker matches you with a database of women. The limitation is if they don’t have someone as part of that database, you’re probably not going to find a match.

The boutique matchmakers on the other hand starts with a database but then take it several steps further.

These matchmakers usually work with a network or other matchmakers, so they have access to multiple databases of women. Beyond that, a select group of boutique matchmakers use a network of recruiters.

Recruiters are people who are out and about. These can be bartenders, event promoters and others who are on the scene at specialized singles venues. Recruiters can be on the look out for very specific women who meet the criteria a male client may be seeking.

So how do you choose the best matchmaker ?

As it turns out there is one matchmaking company who consistently wins awards and has an over 90% success rate at matching couples.

Love Boss Matchmaking works in the entire U.S. and Canada. The service is free for women. Male clients can get custom tailored plans that meet their needs and budget.

Men can fill out a confidential profile or call Love Boss Matchmaking +1-(561)-903-0500. A matchmaker will set up a same day call.

Men Seeking Love Should Definitely Use A Professional Matchmaker

Contact Alexis Meads

The post Men Seeking Love Should Definitely Use A Professional Matchmaker appeared first on Alexis Meads | Dating Coach and Dating Expert | Portland Oregon.

Video Chat Before A First Date Is A Must

Mon, 09 Aug 2021 15:40:39 +0000

Video Chat Before A First Date Is A Must

We all Facetime with friends and family. Video chat became the only way to date or meet during the lockdowns. But to video chat before a first date is a must.

Although many people use the term Facetime, that is unique to those who own an iPhone. The most popular video chat app is WhatsApp. It is owned by Facebook and has over 5 billion users. That makes it the most used app of its kind in the world by far.

If you don’t want to give out their phone number, dating apps like Match and Bumble have video chat functions.

As we have talked about before, it’s important to talk to someone to see if there is any connection. Taking that to the next level is video chatting. First off, it eliminates any chance of being catfished.

Video chatting allows to really experience what it is like to actually be with a person. The only difference from being in person, is you can’t smell of touch the person. What most people find is if the connect well on video, they are excited meet.

You feel like you already know the person when meeting so the whole sense of awkwardness or anxiety is gone.

In fact, we found that over 90% of those who video chatted before the first date had a second date !

So, the numbers speak for themselves on how few bad first dates happened. It makes sense because the video chats themselves were almost like first dates.

And for those who just want to meet, are over 90% of your first dates turning into second dates ?

The bottom line here is you have great video chats, you’re probably going to have an amazing first date. And remember, you can always blow a kiss at someone during a video chat.

If you don’t think that video chat before a first date is a must, then think again.

And for more free advice on first dates, you can request a free session on Dating Coach Live. Or if you want total talk for a professional matchmaker, check out Love Boss Matchmaking.

Alexis XoXO

The post Video Chat Before A First Date Is A Must appeared first on Alexis Meads | Dating Coach and Dating Expert | Portland Oregon.

5 (Surprising!) Things Men Crave in a Woman

Wed, 09 Sep 2020 01:11:38 +0000

The #1 Surprising Emotion That Makes 97.5% of Men Respect You

Tue, 01 Sep 2020 17:23:06 +0000

Are You Guilty of These 5 Dating "Turn Offs" That Disgust Men

Tue, 25 Aug 2020 17:15:41 +0000

When A Man Purposely Ignores You: The SHOCKING Reason

Tue, 18 Aug 2020 18:01:54 +0000

The #1 Secret To Make A Man Love and Value You

Sat, 15 Aug 2020 18:30:20 +0000

THIS Communication Style Brings A Man Closer To You

Tue, 11 Aug 2020 17:17:18 +0000

The 3 Things He's Thinking About During No Contact

Sat, 08 Aug 2020 18:05:18 +0000

He Will NEVER Lose Interest When You Do THIS!

Tue, 04 Aug 2020 17:26:16 +0000

5 Signs He Sees You As A High-Value Woman

Sat, 01 Aug 2020 18:17:51 +0000

3 Shameless Ways Men Test Women Online

Tue, 28 Jul 2020 17:43:15 +0000

Never Fight For His Attention - Do THIS Instead!

Sun, 26 Jul 2020 17:31:37 +0000

1 Instant Way To Start LOVING YOURSELF (This Will Surprise You...)

Tue, 21 Jul 2020 17:27:30 +0000

How A Man Bonds With A Woman ~ You Must Hear This!

Sun, 19 Jul 2020 23:31:18 +0000

5 Signs That He Genuinely Cares About You

Sat, 04 Jul 2020 16:30:01 +0000

5 Signs That He Genuinely Cares About You

0:33 1 - Puts your physical needs first

2:11 2 - He Is Proud of You and Tells friends, family, and everyone

3:19 3 - Is he willing to break his routine for you

4:19 4 - He Remembers the little things

5:10 5 - He is vulnerable with you

Say THIS and Make His Heart Melt

Tue, 30 Jun 2020 15:52:22 +0000

Say This and Make His Heart Melt In order to make him crave you, melt into a puddle, and ultimately be putty in your hand there is certain words that can accomplish that.

In today's video we will discuss what you can do/say to make his heart melt for you and truly desiring you.

4 Surprising Factors That Make Him ADDICTED To You

Sat, 27 Jun 2020 18:22:37 +0000

4 Surprising Factors That Make Him Addicted To You

Making a man addicted to you will cause him to keep coming back for more. The man will crave you, chase you, and want to spend time with you.

Here are the 4 Surprising Factors

1. Having an amazing life

2. Sexy Boundaries executed properly - watch video for role played examples

3. Appreciation

4. No Self Doubt

The #1 Thing That Makes Him PULL AWAY (Do THIS Instead to Activate his Masculine Desire to Chase)

Tue, 23 Jun 2020 18:28:35 +0000

Inspire Him to Love You Even More by Expressing Your Needs and Desires THIS Way

Sat, 20 Jun 2020 17:08:14 +0000

In this video I will teach you how to inspire him to love you even more by expressing your needs and desires this way.

MALE SECRETS EXPOSED - What Men Will NEVER Admit To Women

Thu, 18 Jun 2020 18:56:44 +0000

Men Fall In Love When Women REVEAL THIS (What His Heart Wants)

Thu, 18 Jun 2020 18:54:28 +0000

Men Fall in love when women reveal this. (What his heart wants).

Men will fall for a woman when she is authentically herself and when she feels comfortable to be herself and show her idiosyncrasies.

In todays video we will share some stories that will illustrate what causes a man to fall in love, and what women need to do to cause this. (This is what his heart is craving).

LEARN THIS and Men will WORSHIP YOU

Sat, 13 Jun 2020 16:45:40 +0000

Understand Men So They Will Worship You

1. What Do Men Want?

2. How do you tell a man what you need and want without nagging?

3. Do women or men have more opportunity to find their match?

4. What makes a man worship us?

NAAB

Needed

Appreciated

Accepted

Boundaries

What Causes A Man To End A Relationship?

Tue, 26 May 2020 18:39:25 +0000

Why do relationships end?

The fun stops and couples don't stop fighting over problems that both parties have already decided are not solvable.

Couples need to look at their "perpectual" problems and decide is this a deal breaker of can we accept that we will NEVER see eye to eye on this particular issue.

How to Text a Guy to Drive Him Wild!

Fri, 15 May 2020 22:15:53 +0000

You’ve got his number, you want to text him, and you want to make this guy go crazy for you. We spend more time communicating via text messages, WhatsApp, Facebook, and Instagram messenger than ever, so what's the best way to build chemistry and attraction via text? Is there a certain approach you can take to spark his interest and drive him wild? What’s the best way to set yourself apart from everyone else?

In today’s article on how to text a guy, I want to give you some tips and tools that I share with my clients during our one on one coaching sessions. By incorporating these techniques into your conversations via text with this guy, you’re going to have everything you need to make him become addicted to you!

How to text a guy and spark his interest

I’ve been working with women who want to perfect their seduction and flirtation skills for many years now, so I can tell you what works and what doesn’t. For starters, one of the most common mistakes I see is a person trying to show their interest by constantly telling their “target” how attracted they are. The thing is, human nature makes us take things that are handed to us on a silver platter for granted. What’s more, we’ve been taught that to receive more love, we need to keep giving more love.

Human nature is a fascinating thing and works a bit differently, and we need to keep this in mind while we discuss how to text a guy you like…

First things first, it’s better to communicate your interest in person than through text message, especially if it’s early on in the dating process. I know that we’re in the 21st century and it feels like everything happens through text, but we need to build attraction in a way that truly grabs his attention! Because texting is so commonplace, I want you to stand out in his mind.

What to text a guy when you want to drive him wild:

It all begins with laying out a good foundation. The more you know about him, the easier it will be to attract him, so it all starts with asking him the right questions. Show him that you’re genuinely curious about his life, and you can start to talk about your personal life as well.

This is so important because men respond well when they find someone who is fun, uplifting, and interesting. They tend to pull away when they start to feel pressure to be in a relationship, to be a couple, to make rules, etc. This is why I always talk about building attraction by creating interest. So when you’re texting this guy, ask him about his life! I know that a lot of people struggle with this simply because they like the guy and it makes them a little self-conscious. It feels like there are stakes so they put pressure on themselves to be extra flirtatious or even eager.

There is a simple remedy for this: Just talk to this guy the way that you would talk to your best friend. Let your humor shine through, don’t be afraid to joke around, and don’t think about labels like “the relationship” or “boyfriend.” This way, you’ll allow it to develop easily and naturally. Whatever you do, don’t try to rush things. You’ll only put pressure on yourself and he’ll pick up on it! Just allow yourself to be yourself, and then we can get into honing in on sparking his interest…

How to text a guy you like: Tell him about YOU

We want to find out more about his life, but it’s equally important to talk about your personal life as well. There is a really effective tool for this, actually. If you can spark his curiosity, you’ll grab his attention.

Look at the difference between, “Today was nice because I ran into an old friend,” and “You’ll never guess what happened today!”

The way you text can create excitement and complicity. In the second option, he’d immediately want to know what happened and it’s easy for him to continue the conversation with you. Then you could go on to say that you bumped into this friend at the supermarket which is nuts, because you met them in a different city. Be playful in your storytelling and you’ll make the conversations fun and captivating. Men love to talk about themselves but they also like to hear stories, and this is the perfect way to share more about your life as well.

This way, he’ll become more and more interested, in your life, and not just your appearance! The more you share, the more you’ll build chemistry. I often see that when a woman likes a guy, she’ll want to get straight to the point and talk about feelings and relationships, but this can undermine you. If you do that, you’re moving too fast so I really encourage you to talk to this guy as if he were your best friend, and don’t be afraid to show him how interestING (not interested) you are! There is no need to play a role or to play games. It’s just going to help you be even more confident, which is something that men find irresistibly sexy.

What to text a guy: Flirtation and teasing

We can’t neglect the importance of flirtation when it comes to how to text a guy. We’re all here because we want to have fun and be happy. Nobody wants to talk about deeply serious stuff that might feel a little heavy when you’re first starting to build chemistry. So be fun, share pictures of your day and show him that you’re enjoying yourself! Live a life that looks interesting and inviting and remember, men LOVE to chase. They want you to be a challenge.

So this is where flirtation and teasing can come into play! Let’s say that you dance salsa. Let him know! Talk to him about how much you love it and how it makes you feel. Then tease him when you talk about going out dancing together one night.

“Oh, you think you could keep up with me on the dance floor? ;)”

So often we forget to show our personalities when we like someone, when that’s the key to making them fall for you! The more you can flirt and tease while showing him that you’re confident in what you bring to the table, the more you become a challenge. This is what will keep him coming back for more!

Don’t text a guy all the time!

As this article comes to a close, I want to leave you with one last bit of useful information, and this is huge. If a guy feels that you are constantly available to him, it’ll become easy for him to take you for granted.

We don’t want that at all, so be busy! Fill up your schedule with people, projects, and activities that bring you joy! Make the conversations you have with him fun and flirtatious, and don’t be afraid to take your time to respond to him. This way, you naturally make him realize that your life is rich and inviting. He might even realize that he’d be a fool to not want to try to be a part of it.

My friends, this is where social media comes into play. Even if you aren’t talking to him all the time, you can be posting pictures of all the fun things you’re doing, the workout you just completed, the trip you’re planning on taking and it will all catch his attention. He will subconsciously put you on a pedestal when he realizes that you’ve got so much interesting stuff going on AND you’re making him wait.

You’re the challenge, you’re the prize, and you’re in control of your life! Ladies, there is nothing sexier in a man’s eyes.

I wish you all the very best in love,

Your #1 French relationship coach

Alex Cormont

P.S. - Alex's got a free gift for you! A free masterclass on how men work. In this class you will discover all the secrets of male psychology so you can be totally happy and in love.

Click Here to sign up for the FREE Masterclass.

How to have an INTENSE Connection With A Man When You Are Far Away

Tue, 14 Apr 2020 17:56:46 +0000

Why Men Are Confusing When It Comes to CommitMENt

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How to Keep Him Crazy In Love With You (Powerful, Be Careful With This)

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I Visited An Escort and I Regret It. What Should I Do?

Mon, 30 Mar 2020 13:30:11 +0000

Hi Doc, hope you’re doing great.

As the title says, I went to an escort a few weeks ago. Some backstory: I’m 28, never kissed a girl, never had a girlfriend and I’ve always been rejected. I always feel very lonely and sad about this, thinking that I’ll probably never have a girlfriend and I’ll die as a lonely and bitter old man. I thought many times about doing this, to finally see and experience something foreign and unreachable for me, and one night I took courage and did it. I contacted someone I thought was cute, the same age as me and provided GFE (girlfriend experience), booked an hour and went to her apartment. She noticed I was a bag of nerves and I told her it was my first time, so she tried to calm me down.

She was very nice and kind and it wasn’t awkward or weird. I had so many feelings like I was being shaken and for that hour my mind went blank and I forgot about everything. I felt alive. The thing is, and please please believe me, we didn’t have sex. We kissed for a while (it was great) and when I hugged her I just didn’t want to let her go. We spend the rest of our time cuddling and talking about our lives, what we liked and just chillin’. We had a long hug before I left and she kissed me on the cheek.

Everything was fine until I got out of there. On the ride home, I felt like if everyone on the bus knew just what I did. I thought about my parents. They would be very disappointed and angry. I thought I just had my first kiss with someone I didn’t love and vice versa and after all it was meaningless. I felt empty and guilty. I thought about that poor girl who had to tolerate being kissed and touched by me. I feel like I’m a bad person for purchasing a kiss and someone’s time like if it was a sandwich. And what its worst, I’m thinking about doing it again. Not tomorrow, not next week, but probably one or twice a month in the future.

I know it’s far of being the best coping mechanism and it’s a fake experience, but for someone like me, this is the closest I’ll ever be to intimacy. At least is something, right? I have so many mixed feelings and I don’t know what to do. I feel sorry and hate myself for doing it. Yet I was happy for the experience. I have no one to talk about this (since it’s pretty embarrassing and sad) any advice?

Thanks!

Advice Needed

So I feel for you, AN. I get what it’s like to feel like there’s this experience that other people will have that you’ll never get to know. But as with a lot of folks who write in — folks who are in similar situations as you — the problem you’re experiencing isn’t the problem you think you’re having.

I get a lot of letters from late-bloomers and older virgins, even folks going through months or years long dry spells, who talk about how badly they want to get laid why can’t they find someone to hook up with who’d relieve them of this burden. But the thing is, the issue they’re having isn’t the lack of sex. If that’s all it were, there would be any number of ways to get that particular itch scratched. This can be anything from finding someone who may not be your usual type but is down for something casual, hitting up Tinder or, yes, going to a sex worker. If a person worried about the legality of the matter, then saving up money for a trip to Reno or Amsterdam is always an option, especially if you want it badly enough.

However, the issue isn’t sex, it’s the desire for validation. The incel community is a prime example of this. Even when you filter out the folks using the label as an excuse for the hate, misogyny and untreated body dysmorphia, you barely have to scratch the surface before you get down to the fact that what they want is to feel validated. It’s the sense that someone chose you and that this means that you’re special or somehow better than the folks that weren’t. Hence, approaches like visiting a sex worker are seen as “cheating”. To quote a classic case of “missing the point”:

You cheated not only the game, but yourself.
You didn’t grow.
You didn’t improve.
You took a shortcut and gained nothing.
You experienced a hollow victory.
Nothing was risked and nothing was gained.

And hey, cool story bro, but this approach misses the point so thoroughly that it launched itself into low-earth orbit instead. As I’ve said many times before, women ain’t Mjolnir; nobody has “Whomsoever shall part these thighs, if they be worthy, shall have the power of SCORE” embroidered on their panties.

(And if they do, someone owes me royalties.)

Women have sex with folks for a multitude of reasons, reasons that often have NOTHING to do with the person they’re sleeping with, just as men do. Women sleep with people because they’re bored, they want validation, to send a message to someone, as a form of self-harm, to try to get over someone else… all things that don’t mean that the person they’re having sex with was the top of the heap, the best of the best. Sometimes it means that they were the nearest and most convenient or even the least objectionable.

Visiting an escort and paying for a girlfriend experience isn’t cheating the system any more than going to a restaurant and having someone else cook you dinner is cheating. It’s an exchange of money for a service. It’s not the mark of someone “who couldn’t get laid any other way” — look at how many married people, even celebrities have visited escorts — and it’s not the mark of a loser. What you take away from it and what it means is entirely up to you.

So with that in mind, let’s talk about your case specifically, AN. You have a few issues here. The first is that you’re treating this as something shameful — that you “cheated” the system somehow by having this moment with somebody that you paid. So let me ask you this: would you feel differently if you had this same experience with someone you met at a bar, but who’s motivation was “I just want to get off, and I don’t care with who?” Or a person at a party who decided that she was going to make out with someone because she was angry at her ex and you happened to be there? Would you be feeling the same if your first kiss was literally just someone else using you to get back at someone else?

Instead you went to a professional, paid her for her time, and she provided you with an experience that was specifically for you. Your first kiss was with somebody who knew that it was your first and was focused entirely on your enjoyment and comfort. To be perfectly frank: you probably had a better first kiss than a lot of folks who stumbled into theirs. Your partner was someone who was entirely focused on you, your needs and the moment. That’s going to be a lot more enjoyable than a drunken hook-up or a random make-out at a bar or a party.

The thing that you have to understand is that the “meaning” of anything is literally just what you decide it means. A first kiss, a first sexual experience, hell, the first cheeseburger of the year, all have the same meaning: nothing. And everything. It all comes down to what you have decided it means. The idea that a first kiss should be with someone you love is a completely artificial construct, and one that’s more tied to sexual shame than objective reality. Plenty of folks had their first kiss with people they don’t love. Even more had their first sexual experience with people they didn’t love, or even like, in some cases. We don’t shame them for that, and the folks who do are just assholes.

The things you’re feeling — the idea that the folks on the bus could tell, the idea that your parents would be upset — that’s shame fucking with you. That’s the idea that you “cheated the system” trying to convince you that you did something wrong. You didn’t, because there is no system to cheat. There is just your life, your experiences and your path. This isn’t a “fake” experience; a fake experience would be if it were all a dream or virtual reality. It’s just an experience… one that you’ve decided was fake. That’s a different thing entirely.

The second issue you’re having is that you’re treating this as your somehow “inflicting” yourself on the escort you visited… except you did nothing of the sort. I realize that folks think that paying an sex-worker means that you’ve basically coerced someone into doing your bidding — a time-limited sex-slave, if you will — but the reality is that being with an escort is still a matter of consent. The idea of “we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone” still exists, even if you’re an escort, a stripper, a cam girl or someone providing happy endings with a massage. If the escort you visited didn’t want to do anything with you, she could very easily have told you to get the fuck out. Similarly, if she had such a horrible time that she couldn’t possibly contemplate the idea of ever seeing you again, then she could very easily refuse to let you book another appointment with her.

And while the experience may have been transactional, that doesn’t automatically mean that it’s bad, a bad experience for the escort or a sign that she doesn’t like you. Plenty of sex workers have very fond relationships with their regulars, just as folks in the service industry have fond relationships with some of their customers. Every bartender, barista, store clerk, waiter, etc. has their favorite regulars, the folks they enjoy seeing on the regular. The fact that those people are customers doesn’t change the fact that they like seeing them or talking with them or they aren’t happy to see them come in.

In fact, if you want to see what sex workers actually think about their clients… well, all you have to do is open Twitter. Sex workers of all stripes talk about their experiences, their customers and clients, their jobs, etc. with great candor. Getting to know them as people who do a job may well help change your mind about everything.

Honestly, the shame and social stigma you’re feeling is what’s fucking with you, not that you did anything inherently bad or wrong. If you really want to adjust your perspective, you should do some research about sexual surrogates — sex workers who work with folks who have any number of medical or psychological issues surrounding sex. In many cases, sexual surrogates are the only form of sexual intimacy some folks may be able to achieve — especially when physical or emotional handicaps are involved.

(The movie The Sessions with John Hawkes and Helen Hunt may be a great place for you to start. I also recommend reading “On Seeing A Sex Surrogate”, the article that the movie was based on.)

But your third issue is assuming that this is the only sort of intimacy you may ever encounter. While I understand that you’re feeling despair right now, that’s simply not true. It’s only how things feel right now, and as much as I hate how assholes use this phrase, it’s apt: feels aren’t reals. Things feel awful and unchanging because things are dark, chaotic and stressful right now. You’ve got all of these feelings of shame and self-recrimination rocketing through your head right now and all of them are bullshit. You’re allowed to have enjoyed your time with an escort, and to look forward to booking another session, and to want to connect with folks and have a relationship that isn’t primarily commercial. You can, in fact, have both. The fact that you’ve had these experiences with an escort doesn’t cut you off from the possibility of love, sex and relationships in the future. In fact, these experiences could well be part of what help push you to work on yourself. Not in the sense of “well, I need to get better so I never do this again,” but in the sense of “Wow, this opened up my eyes to what’s out there and I would love to see more of it.”

Because, straight talk, my dude: losing your virginity isn’t going to transform you or change you, no matter how you do it. Going to an escort may guarantee you a more focused and giving experience than you might find otherwise, but it’s not going to handicap you or cut you off from society. The people who think that you’re somehow shady, shameful or wrong for having done so — assuming you decide you share this with them, which you don’t have to — are just folks who are self-selecting out of your pool of friends and lovers and good-goddamn-riddance.

By that same token, losing your virginity in the context of a casual hook-up — or even a commited, romantic relationship — doesn’t mean that you’re going to have some transformation sequence where you suddenly become the person you believe you’re “supposed” to be. Your first time is going to be an experience that you’ve had… that’s it. Everything that comes afterwards, whether positive or negative, is going to be about what you decide comes from it. You may feel like it was a magical experience. You may finish and think “wait, that was it?” But it will only be a step on your journey, not the start, nor the end. That’s all going to depend on you and what you decide to do next.

But for right now? Fuck the shame and fuck the folks who’d shame you for it including yourself. You are allowed to feel pleasure, to have enjoyed your time and to want more, even if you paid a professional for it. Everybody was consenting, everyone got what they wanted from this and everyone came away happy. That’s the important part. And if you want to book another session with her — once the quarantine is lifted, obviously — and you can afford it, then go for it, king. And if you want to work on your personal development so that you don’t feel like sex work is your only outlet? You can do that too; there are a ton of resources available on this site to help you with precisely that.

But seriously: you didn’t do anything wrong, or anything to feel ashamed of or guilty about.

Anyone who is going to insist that you shouldn’t or that you should feel guilty about it isn’t concerned with you or the escort you visited; they just want you to follow their ideas about how to live your life. That’s on them. Your life is your own. Do what’s best for you.

Good luck.

Hi Doc,

I’m turning 30 soon, and my husband and I have been happily married for four years. We have no children by choice, but we do have some pets. We both work to pay the bills, though he makes a bit more than I do.

My husband and I are best friends. We play games together, go to the movies and out to eat, joke and laugh, tease each other, etc. We’ve even had people think we are friends but not realize we are actually married. Basically, despite being good in every other way, our relationship has no ounce of romance.

My husband’s normal routine is to come home from work, make himself some dinner (we follow separate diets so it’s easier for each of us to make our own food), play video games for a few hours, and then go to bed. Sometimes I will play games with him or get him to watch a movie with me, but that’s the only variation. Same thing on the weekends, just without going to work. We are intimate a couple of times a month when he feels “in the mood” (which isn’t very often because he has a rather low libido. I have a higher one, but I’ve learned to ignore it because it’s embarrassing to be turned down by him if he’s not in the mood).

Generally, I’m happy. But sometimes I go on social media or have a conversation with a friend, and she tells me how her husband brought her flowers for no reason, or how he planned a nice weekend getaway for just the two of them. And I find myself wishing I had a husband who did things like that (I know, I’ve probably just seen one too many rom-coms). And I get a little sad. My husband and I truly are best friends. But sometimes I want us to be more than friends. Does that make sense?

I have brought this up with my husband, but he just doesn’t get it. I told him I wanted to feel his love a bit more. He said he shows his love by paying the rent. I told him I felt less like his wife and more like his roommate. He asked me if that was a bad thing. He also frequently says he is happy and he doesn’t understand what I have a problem with.

I don’t get it. I have something that most women would covet. My husband is a kind, good man, and I never have to worry about him mistreating me or cheating on me. We have a great time together. And yet, sometimes I can’t stop crying. I guess I feel like I could be best friends with anyone, but I can’t be married to anyone. I want our relationship to feel more special, more like a marriage.

I’m not sure what I’m asking for here. God knows I’ve failed to make my husband understand thus far, so maybe I’m just talking nonsense. Am I crazy? Am I asking too much?

Too Needy For My Own Good

No, TNFMOG, you’re not crazy. You’re not talking nonsense, and you’re not asking for too much. What you’re asking for is for your husband to show you that he loves you, cares for you and respects you. Those are all things that should come standard in a relationship, and any model that doesn’t should be returned to the lot immediately.

You have two basic issues here that need to be resolved.

The first is one of miscommunication. You may have heard the phrase “love languages” tossed around here and other spaces. Without getting deep into the details, the idea of “love languages” are different ways people express and receive love or affection from the people in their lives. Some people, for example, express love and affection through physical touch — wanting to hug and be hugged, to cuddle and so forth. Others will express love through “acts of service” — doing things for the people they care about is part of how they show that they care. Other examples include “quality time”, “gifts” and a multitude of others.

The problem that often arises is that sometimes we don’t necessarily recognize the language our partner speaks, and they don’t recognize the language that we speak. So for someone who expresses love through touch and physical contact, somebody who is physically stand-offish may seem cold and distant. But the way they express love is by providing for their loved-ones — whether that’s through paying for their essentials, making sure their physical and emotional needs are met or simply doing things for them… and they may feel that someone who expresses love through touch to be clingy. Hence the dilemma; everyone’s saying the same thing, but they’re saying it in languages the other person doesn’t understand. As a result: everyone is upset and tense because they feel like they&rsquo

What Makes A Man Commit Forever

Sat, 28 Mar 2020 17:44:16 +0000

I was watching netflix and...

Fri, 27 Mar 2020 17:34:02 +0000

I was watching the series Love is Blind on netflix today. Here is the description of the show: "Singles try to find a match and fall in love -- without ever seeing each other face-to-face, as emotional connection attempts to conquer physical attraction." One of the guys, 27 years old tells a woman something to the affect, "when we get married we will ...." However, the love coach in me, was thinking. This guy is full of shit. He has said that to three women, he just says what he thinks women want to hear. Fast forward, THE NEXT EVENING she asks him, "Do you still feel the same way about me?" He said, "I don't know." She was obviously upset because she thought they were going to get married and stormed out of the room. (Rightfully so!) The reason I thought he was full of shit was because I could tell he didn't know who he was. Assuming he didn't know who he was, how could he possibly have picked a woman? So this guy, at this point was dating three women. My first initial reaction was, this guy is a clown and a dick. I wish he would be honest with these women. But then I thought a little deeper. He is being honest. He doesn't know what he wants. It is because he never got to know himself. He never forced himself to be vulnerable with any of these women to see what happens. He didn't know if they would accept him. He didn't know if by showing himself "emotionally naked" they would grow closer together or if his deepest secrets and stories would show they have different values. So when it came for him to figure out, is this the person for me? He said, "I don't know." And guess what, that was authentic. Although great television, this is an example of a man that shouldn't be dating seriously at the moment. Let alone on a show where couples are expected to get married. This guy needs to go figure out who he is. Why do I understand this man so well? I was this man. Maybe, I still am this man. But, unlike this television character. I am vividly aware of this shortcoming. For awhile now, I've been on a journey to experience, to share, and to explore. So when I encounter my next possible life partner I can be 100% sure that she is it for me. Because, I am showing her my 100% authentic self. No shell, no protective shield, and most importantly not a confused boy, but a man that has done a lot of self work. I will show up in authenticity with massive strength to be wildly comfortable sharing vulnerably when needed. And, realizing if someone one accepts my flaws, wants, desires, then awesome we shall continue and if the person can't handle me or we are too different than we will be happy to part ways. Why did I tell you this? I am not really sure. I just felt like sharing and thought maybe this would be entertaining. Would you mind if I share more? I asked a woman to marry me. At the time, I meant it with all my heart. But, maybe I didn't know who I was then. Maybe, that was just part of my journey. Did we get married. No. Did I break her heart and hurt a lot of people. Yes.

Am I an asshole? In some circles, maybe. Did I hurt people on purpose? 100% no.

I don't believe in breakups. I believe in relationship graduations. When you graduate a relationship, you get a "diploma" showing you spent x amount of years to learn a lot of things. Well, I graduated. And you know what: Every day, I am going to keep graduating. Because, I am never going to stop learning. I am never going to stop becoming a better man. Why? Because, in the past I've stood still, I've learned nothing. For me that is a waste of my life, a waste of my abilities. So I am going to keep learning. I am going to keep sharing what I learn. THANK YOU for allowing me to share my experiences. Thank you for allowing me to explore myself with an audience. Every time, I write one of these emails it forces me to think critically about how I am really feeling. It is one thing to think something. It is an entirely another thing to vomit those thoughts onto a page in a somewhat cohesive way that makes some sort of sense. So thank you, for allowing me to vomit. Listen, I am not sure where you are at right now. Are you freaking out about Corona? I hope not. Focus on the things you can control. (Hand washing, social distancing, and CONTINUING TO MOVE TOWARDS YOUR GOALS!) No wasting energy on something that we can't control. I promise you, we will get past this. There will be some bumps, but we will move on triumphantly like a bunch of bad ass super heroes because that is what we do. But until then, honor your feelings, spend your time wisely. AND Come talk to me if you want a teammate in finding love. I am not letting this stop me. Don't let this stop you. Together we can do whatever we want! Including finding an amazing partner. Book an introductory session here if you want to talk about paid coaching with me. Otherwise and either way I love you, Mike P.S. - It felt kind of weird plugging my business at the bottom of this email. Why am I feeling ashamed to ask people if they want help? I think it is because writing these emails actually helps me. And then, getting clients, helps me. I just feel weird asking for HELP for me. (I prefer to provide than ask for). But, maybe it is okay IF my emails help YOU, and IF my clients get helped. Maybe all these things can be win/win for everyone involved? Hmmmm...I feel a bit better. How about you? P.P.S - Facetime, skype, and Zoom dates are still 100% a GO!!!!!!!!! Who's going to be the first to fall in love virtually? Anyone competitive? Challenge accepted? P.P. P. S. I love me. And I love you. (Have the best day of your life, TODAY!)

Am I A Bad Person For Believing That An Abuser Can Change?

Fri, 27 Mar 2020 13:30:45 +0000

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

When I was 14 or 15, one of my friends at the time told me in passing that her boyfriend had been forceful recently in their physical relationship. At the time, I didn’t fully understand what she was saying but I could tell she was upset so I tried to comfort her the best I could and we moved on from that conversation. A year later, they broke up and I gradually started becoming friends with this ex. In 12th grade, when there were whispers of what she had told me earlier, I am ashamed to say that I didn’t speak up. I remained “neutral”, a very harmful attitude to take, and in doing so I know I hurt her immensely. The other people she had told also didn’t speak up and I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been for her. He was dating someone else at that point. Their relationship also ended once school did but I never really inquired as to what went down there.

College started and I became much, much closer to him. We established a friends with benefits situation which slowly turned into a proper relationship. He was good to me. Always respectful, always a good person. I’m not saying this to negate what he did to others, but just to point out how stark the difference was between who he was with me and with them. I know that’s also typical of a lot of abusers.

Earlier this year, his second ex reached out to me. She told me that he had been emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive in their relationship. The things she told me were so terrible that I didn’t know what to say or do. We had just started dating at this point, she told me she was telling me also because she didn’t want him to do the same to me. I thanked her for telling me, and after a lot of deliberation I took the decision to distance myself from him gradually. I also spoke to my friend and apologised for my silence regarding her abuse at the time.

Very recently, his actions in the past have been brought to light on a public platform. He is obviously facing a lot of backlash from people in school for these actions and a lot of people have chosen to cut him out of their lives. From the scattered interactions I’ve had with him since his ex reached out to me, I know he’s been going to therapy more regularly. He’s also apologised to both of them, and obviously they haven’t accepted his apology nor are they under any obligation to. He has never tried to deny, justify or argue against what he’s done. He has unconditionally accepted that he has caused a lot of trauma to these people and he has told me and other people that he is fully ready to face the consequences of his actions.

I feel like I made the right decision by distancing myself for the time being but I’m still confused about what I need to do in the future. I believe that this is an experience he needs to get through on his own. If he doesn’t have people around him to prove to that he is a changed person, and yet he still changes, I truly believe that that won’t be a superficial change because it requires a lot of courage to keep on living and working on yourself when nobody else thinks you deserve anything. His friends don’t have a responsibility to make sure that he’s changed, nor do they have to hold his hand through the process.

As someone who knows him better than anyone else, I have faith that firstly, he truly wants to change and that secondly, he is taking steps to do so. None of that can ever change the hurt and trauma that he caused, nothing can at this point, but the step towards accountability and responsibility is not one that many people take in the first place. That in itself, coupled with the fact that this step is accompanied by concrete actions of therapy, possibility of enrolment in abuser programs, unconditional apologies, makes me think that though the process will be long and difficult for him, he will come out of it better.

If he does, then is it okay for me at that point to be his friend? To say that I have seen the change in you and I believe you are worth my friendship, possibly my love? Does it make me a bad person and does it serve as dismissing the trauma of the victims? Am I a bad friend for saying that I believe he will change but not being there for him?

Very Confused and Guilty

These sort of questions are always difficult, VCaG.

On the one hand, I’m a general believer that people can change and improve. I believe that folks can fuck up, own their fuck-ups and try to make things better, and I believe that there needs to be space for folks to actually do better.

On the other hand, folks love a redemption story and abusers know this. I can’t count the number of times that abusers and monsters have made a production of “Oh look, I’ve changed!” — especially as a way of returning to the public eye. Writer and professor Hugo Schwyzer was an almost archetypal example of this, using his supposed redemption both as a way of finding future victims and as a shield against new accusers. So there’s every reason to give take declarations of “but I’m different now!” with deep suspicion and a LOT of salt.

On the other other hand (yes, I have three hands) apparently this happened in high-school. And while that doesn’t preclude someone from being an abuser or a monster — all you have to do is look at Stubenville for proof of that — but high-schoolers also tend to be hormone-soaked bundles of frenzied confusion who’re often freaking out in multiple directions at once. It’s entirely possible for people to act badly without realizing that what they’re doing is harmful or abuse. Sometimes people are so caught up in their teenaged angst bullshit that they don’t realize the damage they’re doing to the people around them.

But the fact that they don’t know they’re doing harm, or don’t intend to, doesn’t change the fact that they still hurt people. As has been said in many places, many times: intent isn’t magic.

(And that’s before we get into issues like the high-school rumor mill, people adopting the language of social justice as a means of abusing others and all kinds of murky crap)

So my position in general is “…maybe. With many caveats.”

I would have a lot of very pointed questions that would need very convincing answers before I’d be willing to come down on one side or another. The first is very simple: does he understand what he did? Does he accept — without conditions or qualifiers — that his behavior hurt people? And as a follow-up: does he understand why his actions hurt people?

One of the first steps to change and growth is to understand how they’ve wronged others and why other people were hurt by what they did. Understanding the pain of others is the first step to empathy.

Next: does he accept responsibility for his actions — again, without conditions or qualifiers? Does he own his behavior without trying to explain why he’s not at fault or why he shouldn’t be fully culpable? Does he understand why he did what he did?

This is another important step; taking ownership of one’s behavior is crucial. It speaks both to their mindset: are they sincere, or are they trying to get out of trouble? However, it’s also potentially tricky. “I did X because I got drunk and didn’t recognize Y” and “I did X because I got drunk” sound similar, but are incredibly different. In the former, they’re demonstrating an understanding of how one mistake (getting drunk) lead to their behavior (…and so I did X). In the latter, it comes much closer to “you can’t blame me because I was drunk and that wasn’t who I really am”.

Next: if they understand what they did wrong and why they did it, what steps are they taking to avoid doing those things again? How are they proposing to be held accountable in the future?

And finally: what have they done to try to try to make things right? This may or may not involve a direct apology to the people they’ve harmed; sometimes trying to make amends actually causes more harm to the person who’d already been harmed by their actions. And — importantly — in trying to make things right, is he doing so humbly or in a manner that demands acknowledgment? Is he making a production of how sorry he is a way that pressures his victims to forgive him? Is he performatively penitent in a way that glorifies himself to others?

Even with satisfactory answers to these questions, I’d still proceed with caution. As I said: plenty of folks can put on the show of contrition, especially if it brings them back from the wilderness. Take it slowly and pay more attention to his deeds, not his words. Those will tell you far more about who he actually is and whether he’s actually changed for the better.

Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

First of all, let me say thank you for being out there for people like me that is searching for some insight or some type of answer to a current predicament. I found your site in one of the many nights that I was searching for answers or suggestions to a similar situations.

Here’s where I stand:

My husband and I met about 4 years ago and we moved in together (married) about 8 months ago. We are 12 years apart and he’s older. I have a 24 year old son that lives with his wife and my husband doesn’t have kids.

Our sex wasn’t often but it was great up until we moved in together. Then came up all the different work schedules, routines, and learning to live with each other, so sex/intimacy started to suffer. I’m sure is normal for some, yet I feel for us is more than that.

For once, I would like to have sex more than just on a Friday night after a drink. How about when I’m horny on a Tuesday or a Sunday morning? I feel like our sex is only on his schedule and it does not matter what I would want or what I have to say about it. We used to have sex only once a week (his request) and now is nothing. I have a higher sex drive than him or so I think.

I’ve noticed he’s less interested in touching me or initiating and he rather spend his time in front of his computer. We have had conversations about our sex life. How I feel is lacking in our relationship and he seems to understand, yet things go back to nothing after a few days.

My concern now is lately he’s been into a youtube channel where porn stars are being interviewed and then he goes on searching the particular ladies, example L.Ann, K.Rx, etc. I also know that he goes into “live cam” sites to watch younger ladies masturbate. Does he pays for those? Who knows and I hope not, because I asked him and he said he wasn’t into that. Sure! (Note: Our computer is in the open for both of us to use, not in a separate room)

Another issue is his lack of respect to me when it comes to staring (very obvious) at other women when we go out (every Friday), to the point that I had to tell him to please stop. He’s gotten better, but is still happening and it makes me feel so inferior. How could you disrespect the woman YOU are taking out, why don’t you go out by yourself then. I’m a very good looking lady, who likes to dress up when we go out, and I love to have fun with others. I look younger than my age, yet he can take all that away by gawking at another lady’s ass.

In top of all that, I had to have an emergency hysterectomy in Dec. due to cancerous cells ( I see a therapist to help me deal with this major change). We were both okay with that since we were not interested in children (1 is enough lol). I know that penetration was out of the table for some time, but intimacy is more than just intercourse and I crave that close relationship with him. Why not play with each other until we both orgasm ( oh! wait, maybe because it feels like he doesn’t want to take the time for me, however I have to finish him off) The last time we had “intimacy” was a hand job, because he didn’t even want me to give him a blowjob, really!? I’ve been cleared to have sex again for weeks and he knows, however he seems like he could go on without it. How sad!!!

He has not stop making future plans for us like trips, dinners, theater shows, etc. I know he loves me, but maybe like some say he is no longer “in love” with me or maybe he just cares for me enough to keep me around just for looks (you know an older man alone again). We’ve only been married 8 months!!

Wow! sorry for the long note, but despite my looks, loving him so much and desiring him as a man, I get this lonely feeling sometimes like I’m alone in this marriage. I do all the outside things either on my own or with my friends. I have no problems being independent, nevertheless my time with him seem to be declining. Now what?

Has he become a porn addict or already is? I did asked him if porn was a problem in our relationship and he straight up told me “NO”. Is he no longer physically attracted to me to sexually satisfy me? Is it ED? and he’s afraid to talk about it with me? Clearly talking isn’t doing it, how many times can one tell a partner that we should have more intimacy and sex. I know so many questions!

I wish he could understand how much he’s hurting me by choosing to masturbate to porn instead of having it with me (I do not mean all the time), I understand we both need our “alone’ time for that too. I deeply love him and miss the warm of his body closed to mine when we connect with intimacy and sex.

Sincerely,

Lonely Wife

Sometimes I’ll get letters from folks where it’s obvious from the jump what the issue is. Other times, I’ll get one where the problem doesn’t reveal itself until a particular detail makes things abundantly clear.

And then I’ll get letters like yours LW, where every couple of paragraphs, the circumstances continue to degrade and the apparent underlying cause also changes… right up until the end, where it becomes clear that it doesn’t matter what the problem is because the solution is painfully obvious.

It seems pretty clear that moving in together was the trigger. This, in and of itself, isn’t terribly surprising or unusual. There’re a number of couples where the single biggest cause of strife in their lives is the fact that they live together. Take cohabitation out of the mix, and they’d be a scorching hot couple, but living together robs their relationship of vitality.

But the trigger ain’t the problem, it’s just the inciting incident. Whether this brought issues to the surface that had always been there or accelerated things until they couldn’t be ignored any longer is, at this point, academic. The problem is that your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you. It’s pretty clear he still has a sex drive and is almost certainly still jerking off; folks don’t watch cam shows for the riveting plots or amazing cinematography. But the fact that he’s uninterested in orgasms from you — to the point that the only sexual intimacy he’ll accept is a hand-job — is as clear of an indicator of where his head’s at.

One question that needs to be answered is “why”? Is it a case that he’s been bored and that boredom has become disinterest? Is it that the domesticity of your relationship robbed it of the thrill he was getting off to? Did the stress of trying to adjust to living together throw him off his groove? Or — as I suspect is the case — is it that he’s just not attracted to you any more?

Now I want to be abundantly clear: the fact that he doesn’t seem to be attracted to you DOES NOT mean that you’ve done something wrong or that this is in any way your fault. He may be someone who needs novelty and new stimuilation to maintain interest. It could be that this is his pattern in relationships and this happens every time. Or it could be that his attraction simply faded on it’s own, through no fault of yours or his.

And while the lack of sex doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship — there’re plenty of folks in companionate marriages, whose connection is about things other than sex — it’s pretty clear that your relationship has reached its end. To start with: you’re clearly hurt by the lack of intimacy in your relationship. That’s entirely understandable; it’s not unreasonable to want sex with your husband or to crave intimacy with them.

The bigger problem, however, is the seeming contempt that your husband is displaying. While it’s certainly possible that he still loves and cares for you, he sure as fuckery doesn’t seem to respect you. Openly browsing porn sites while also neglecting you sexually, ogling women in front of you, keeping sexual contact to just masturbation with no interest in reciprocating… none of that is good. None of that is a sign that they have concern for your feelings, nevermind your desires. That sort of behavior is the sort of thing that curdles even the strongest of relationships.

If I’m perfectly honest… well, I don’t know if there’s much to be salvaged here. I think that if you want to make a Hail Mary pass at trying to fix things, then you need to sit him down and have a very Awkward Conversation with him about all of this. You need to lay out everything: the way you’ve been feeling neglected, the way his behavior makes you feel, the fact that sex has been not just routine but almost robotic. Be incredibly clear about all of this, so that there’s no room for misunderstanding. After you’re done, let him share his side of things.

Following that, I’d suggest finding a sex-positive marriage counselor to try to hash things out.

But to be frank: I don’t know if that’s going to help things. It sounds like he’s already checked out; he may not be interested in divorcing, but he sure doesn’t seem to be interested in participating in a significant part of the relationship. If that’s the case… well, the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to love yourself enough to know that you deserve better than this. You deserve someone who actually respects you and cares for your feelings and satisfaction. And if that’s not your husband… well, then he shouldn’t be your husband any longer.

Good luck.

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Can I Ever Trust A Former Abu

DR. NERDLOVE LIVE: Managing Your Emotional Health During COVID-19

Wed, 25 Mar 2020 14:00:56 +0000

How do you manage anxiety in the middle of a pandemic? How is living under quarantine affecting you? In my first LIVE teleseminar, I talk about how to manage stress and maintain your emotional health during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Want to take part? The next seminar is on 3/31 at 3 PM CST. Join me at the Dr. NerdLove Facebook Page and be sure to join the NerdLove Academy group!

DOCTOR’S NOTE: So since I did this over Facebook Live, there’s a little funkiness with the audio. I’ve done my best to clean it up but some of it is baked into the episode itself. Sorry ’bout that, we’re seeing what can be done for next time.

The post DR. NERDLOVE LIVE: Managing Your Emotional Health During COVID-19 appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

How Do You Recover From A Break Up During The COVID-19 Crisis?

Mon, 23 Mar 2020 13:30:45 +0000

Doctor’s Note: This week, I’ll be having a live seminar and Q&A on Facebook Live instead of the usual podcast and YouTube episode. If you’re interested in taking part, follow me on Facebook and join the NerdLove Academy Facebook Group; the stream will start at 3 PM CST on Tuesday, March 24th.

Good morning Doc,

I wanted to know what you thought and would advise regarding how to recover from a break up during this COVID-19 pandemic (or other scenarios where you’re not able to go out and meet new people). A few day ago I had to cut things with a girl I was seeing since November. I didn’t want to, but there was a lack of effort to communicate and I was putting in all the effort. After having it met with the equivalent of banging one’s head against the wall, I was left with no choice but to do what’s best for me. As productive as that sounds it’s still hard because as of now we’re in a curfew state with business and activity areas to meet new people are shutdown so now I’m stuck missing what I lost but don’t have a way to get past it. Yes I’m working on myself with studying more, picking up guitar again, and practicing new art skills but being solo doesn’t take my head off it.

I know there’s probably a video you have on the breakup and there’s a video on what you can do during the pandemic but I wondered if there was a new type of thought process for when it’s both out together.

Thanks for listening and having an awesome channel and podcast,

Life Under Quarantine

I do, in fact, have a video about getting over your break up over on my YouTube channel, LUQ and I think it would be helpful for you to watch it. It’ll explain a little about what’s going on and why you’re having a difficult time getting your mind off of your ex.

Part of the reason why people — guys, especially — have a hard time getting over break ups is because love isn’t just emotional; it’s also chemical. When we’re with our partner, our brains are generating large amounts of dopamine and oxytocin — the “cuddle” chemical that encourages things like social bonding, sexual arousal and romantic connections. Those chemicals hit the pleasure centers of your brain just so and make you crave more. This is part of why, for example, we want to spend all of our time with a new partner; we are, literally, addicted to them because we’re getting huge doses of feel-good brain drugs.

When we break up with someone, we’re suddenly cut off from that source, and our brains want it back… badly. This is why it can often be so hard to stop thinking about our exes or wanting them back, even if we know that the relationship was toxic or that there were very good reasons why the relationship had to end.

This is why part of the key to getting over someone is to find a new source or sources of oxytocin. This is part of why we have the old saw of “get over someone by getting under someone else”; since oxytocin is most readily generated through sex and physical touch, sex with someone new is a quick and easy way to find new sources of oxytocin, as well as validation that yes other people desire you and that there are other people out there.

Of course, sex isn’t the only way of finding new sources of oxytocin, it’s simply the most socially acceptable for guys. Part of the reason why women often have an easier time getting over an ex then men do is because men as a gender are incredibly touch-deprived. It’s socially acceptable for women to seek reassurance — including physical contact, like hugging — from their friends in times of need. Men are cut off from that source of reassurance because we equate physical contact with sexual contact, just as we associate emotional intimacy with sexual intimacy. It’s a classic case of toxic masculinity ruining the party once again.

But there are ways around this and getting the need for physical touch met, even without sexual contact. Massage, for example, is a great way to soothe the body, ease the cortisol that comes from emotional stress and gain a source of oxytocin by having one’s touch needs met. So too are various forms of social dancing, particularly Latin and ballroom dancing.

However, we’re all also under quarantine thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic… which has made it difficult to access those forms of physical contact and the associated generation of oxytocin.

But “difficult” isn’t the same as “impossible”.

The key is that you need to start getting creative and working with the tools that you have available to you.

Start by connecting with your friends. While physical touch and sex are the most obvious sources for oxytocin, we also generate oxytocin through laughter and conversation. Reaching out to your friends, having virtual hang-outs and happy-hours not only helps you feel less alone, but also encourages sharing, socializing and laughter — all of which help generate oxytocin in the brain. Get your buddies together and use an extension like NetflixParty, TwoSeven or apps like Zoom to watch movies — especially dumb action flicks or your favorite comedies.

And while you may not be able to touch another person right now, that doesn’t mean you can’t find other sources of touch and comfort. If you have the space, the finances and your lease allows it, now is a great time to foster a cat or dog. The shelters in your area need to find foster homes during the shut-down, especially if your state or city has a shelter-in-place order. Having a new furry friend in your life not only gives you company and cuddles, it also gives you purpose, direction and allows you to do some much-needed good for others. Not only will this help distract you from missing your ex, it’ll give you something concrete that you can point to and say “by doing this, I’m doing something to make the world a little better.”

And you should also date.

Yes, I know. We’re all under lockdown. But you may have noticed that the dating apps aren’t shut down. People are still talking, swiping and matching. Since you can’t be with each other physically right now, talking, Skype and texting — all opportunities for laughter and good conversation — are going to be of much higher importance. And if things go well, sex is still on the table. Phone sex, sexting, cam sessions via Skype or Facetime… these are all ways that you can connect with others sexually, even if you can’t be there in the flesh. It’s not quite the same as an old-fashioned in-person hook-up, but it will have much the same effect. That validation of your desirability as a partner, the sexual connection with others and the reminder that your ex wasn’t the only woman in the world are all still available to you. You may have to be creative about it… but what’s a quarantine good for if not learning how to try new and different things?

I’m not gonna lie; it’s a rough time right now. But that doesn’t mean that the world has come to a halt. We’re still living, we’re still loving and still moving forward. Take the time to heal and connect with others — platonically as well as romantically.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Hello Dr. NerdLove,

For the longest time I really didn’t care about love. I’m all sorts of neuroatypical, and it took me a long time to sort out my orientation and gender identity, so all through my teens and early 20s, I was already grateful to have a few friends. Dating was way too complicated given how hard it was for me to even get out of my room. But little by little I became better at all things social, and while I’m still much of a weirdo, I’m no longer a loner. So I started thinking about love.

About five years ago, when I was 21, I met my first love. She was an amazing young woman, and we became close friends. She was also very religious, and going through one shitty boyfriend after another. Those guys would use her commitment, cheat on her, then flung her aside. She was in a really bad place. It brought us even closer since I’m a good listener, I convinced her to give therapy a try and she managed to get better – this was her doing, I was just happy to support her. Eventually I confessed, and she told me very gently that she didn’t reciprocate – she was totally straight. We remained friends of course. A few years ago she finally met someone worthwhile and she’s happy with him. I’m friends with both of them, and she still comes to me when she needs someone to listen to her.

Last year I met another amazing woman. This one was bi – making progress. But she was dating someone and seemed quite happy with him. I would have taken that as a non-starter, except this woman behaved very ambiguously with me, playfully flirting, caressing me, etc. I’m aware I’m bad at reading signals, so I showed our convos to several people who all told me this was 100% flirting. I would have been cool with her being poly or in an open relationship, but the ambiguity of it all was really hurting me; I was falling in love more every day while not knowing if there was a chance. So I decided to ask her point blank if her behaviour meant anything or if this was just her way of being friends – and as I’d suspected, it was the latter. Finally knowing there was no chance of us getting together was preferable to the uncertainty, even though I was disappointed of course. But she seems to be very much in love with her boyfriend, and while I’ve never met him he seems like a good guy. I’m of the opinion that feelings are fluid, and if you think of someone romantically then you can also be their friend. So even though I still get a pang of sadness when I see her, I’m really happy to just be friends with her, and I’m sure my feelings will dull eventually.

But as you see, I seem to have a knack for becoming friends with amazing people… who don’t want to be more than friends with me. That’s logical: when you’re this amazing, people take notice, and so by the time they meet me there’s a good chance they’ve already found the one. I hope I never stop becoming friends with amazing people… But I’d really like, at some point, to find one who actually wants to date me as well. How do I find someone like that ? How do I get to be the one, for once ?

Thank you for your help,

Sincerely,
Unsure and bittersweet

There are two things you need to do, UAB. The first is seemingly obvious, but I’m not entirely sure you’ve taken the step yet: you have to put yourself out there. It’s not enough to just decide “hey, I’m ready to fall in love!” and wait for the universe to provide. You have to make sure that folks know that you’re young, single and ready to mingle. Businesses have to advertise, writers and artists have to market themselves and single folks need to make it clear that they’re out, available and actively looking.

That means doing things like getting on the dating apps, especially right now, as we’re in the middle of a pandemic and everyone’s on lockdown. So the first thing you need to do is download the apps (I recommend Hinge, Bumble and OKCupid to start), get some great looking photos, fill out your profile and start swiping. It’ll take a bit of time as you learn how to spot what you’re looking for, but those hot awesome bi or gay singles — or even poly folks — are out there.

But for your next step… have you considered asking your friends if they had some single friends that they could hook you up with?

Here’s the thing: you may have heard the saying “you are the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with“. This is 100% true. Despite what Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat told us (Google it, kids), opposites don’t attract. With friends, as with romantic partners, we tend to attract — and are attracted to — people who are like us. For your purposes, this means that your awesome friends are much more likely to have friends who are as awesome. Now, whether those awesome friends are a) your type and b) of a compatible sexual orientation is an open question. But just as you need to advertise yourself to other like-minded singles, you need to let your friends know that you’re actively looking and would appreciate if they’d hook a buddy up.

And seeing as we’re all under quarantine at the moment, you’re actually in a position to take the plague lemons that life’s thrown your way and turn them into a quarantini. If your friends do, in fact, have someone who’s awesome, single and leans your direction, setting up a virtual happy-hour (or tea party or whatever suits your fancy) is the perfect way to get to know them in a low-stakes, low-investment way. Rather than the potential awkwardness of your friends throwing you two together in a room and saying “I think you two would click NOW KISS”, you can have a social gathering that lets you meet them in an organic fashion. If you two get along over the course of this virtual hangout, it’ll feel like the most natural thing in the world to say “Hey, I had a great time talking to you; can I add you on Facebook/Snapchat/WhatsApp?”

Once you do that, you’re in a position to get to know each other — and do some low-key flirting — on your own time. And while things didn’t work out with your friends, you’ll be in a position for lightning to strike and love to find a way.

Good luck.

The post How Do You Recover From A Break Up During The COVID-19 Crisis? appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

Is It A Good Time To Get Back With My Ex?

Fri, 20 Mar 2020 13:30:49 +0000

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

First off, I’m really glad you do what you do. I’ve read through some of your material and it’s helped me so far.

Now, in order for my question to make sense I have to give some context. I’ll try and shorten this down as much as I can.

Met a girl through OKCupid sometime in 2016. Hit it off right away. She blew my mind and I was head over heels for her.

She was on again/off again with her (now) ex, and I met her during an “off” time. Well, I went to my first year of college out of state, and then transferred to a school in-state. So I was talking to here more once I was back. She was now dating her ex again.

From the beginning I could easily tell she liked me. That kind of attention and chemistry – I knew there was something there and it wasn’t just me. But she was still dating this guy.

Well, I was awash with infatuation and I wasn’t ready to walk away, so I stuck around. She was everything I’d ever wanted. Smart, passionate, a gamer and artist, had drive and goals, had a good head on her shoulders, good person, and drop dead gorgeous. Full package deal. Amazing.

From my perspective though, across the next 4 years, I felt… I felt like I wasn’t being treated well. It didn’t help that she was into me and was still dating her ex, and was torn, and dealing with her own emotions and life, etc – and I also let it continue. I couldn’t walk away yet. Wanting her was far greater of a force than sticking up for my worth. We would only hang out sporadically, and rarely. It was always last minute and was late at night or something similar where I was compartmentalized from the rest of her life. We never *really* went out and did stuff. It was 99% of the time at her house, sitting and talking or watching a show. Not that I don’t want that, but not at the expense of doing anything else.

Well, I walked away the first time in 2018, and she roped me back in. Then again about 6 months later. Then about another 3-6 months after that.

The last time she pulled me back into her life was at the end of August, last year. We met and talked for 3 hours, she confessed to having been REALLY into me this whole time (she had even had dreams about me during the time I had walked away.) and just… didn’t know how to handle that, didn’t feel comfortable with it yet, etc.

She said she only came back because she felt like she was over her ex and wanted to treat me right instead of as a recovery. She even kissed me.

Well, she’d been planning and working up to transferring/going to school across the country, and it was going to happen starting in January.

So I wanted to make the last 4 months she was here great: go on adventures, eat, have a blast, and have some fun in the bedroom. (Which she had opened up about wanting for awhile, but again wasn’t comfortable with it yet.) (we never did.)

So we hung out a few times, and then, of course, it felt like it went back to how it had been before: rarely seeing each other, at-arm’s-length, compartmentalized, etc.

I ended up not seeing her at all for about the last month of her being here, and I called her while she was at a hotel room in St. Louis while on her drive to school. Basically, I ended it. I told her that we hadn’t actually taken any steps forward and I needed to walk away. I think she knew the conversation was coming but was hoping it wouldn’t. When I told her this was it, she talked about how I was one of the only people in her life anymore that she felt close enough to and trusted enough to talk about things with, etc etc.

She then added that “I figured we would keep talking and stuff and we would pick up where we left off when I came back for the summer, just like I’ve done with… all… my… relationships….” (I used ellipses to try and show how, when she said this, she ended up slowly trailing off as the sentence went on, because I think she realized how shitty it sounded.)

I told her that it wasn’t fair to me to wait around and essentially twiddle my thumbs until she came back, with no guarantee of it actually being anything when she did. I shouldn’t have to put my life on hold anymore than I already had.

I told her that, if she reaches a point in her life where she wants me to be a part of it and I’m a legitimate priority, she should come and find me and we would see what happens. (A priority as opposed to what felt like just an option – because I was never really a priority – other friends, family, and other things were always more important or urgent than me.) it ended amicably, I told her I loved her and to “go be successful”.

I will say, up front, that I know I had issues of my own that were a problem. I had expectations, I had a lot of trust issues.

She has insecurities and self worth issues, and I was honestly looking to her to give my life meaning for a long time. Not the most recent stint, but for a long time before I was.

Sorry if that was a bit long winded, it’s a long story.

NOW – it’s been almost 3 months since she’s left, and we haven’t spoken since. I do still care about her, and there is a large part of me that misses her. That’s the same part of me that is considering contacting her and seeing how she’s doing. (In part to see if she’s ok, given the recent pandemic going on.) part of me misses her. Still wants her. Still wants to do all the things we said we’d do. I don’t want to have her as a regret in my life because we didn’t actually move forward. And I still want her.

However – do I trust her again and believe that things will be different? Is it a waste of my time and energy to invite her back in, given that she will be going back to school I’m the fall and, once graduated, be moving to that end of the country/somewhere else in pursuit of her career? Am I BS’ing myself in thinking that there really actually was a chance for anything to happen, or was she just not being truly honest with herself and didn’t have the same feelings? Was her indecision and at-arms-length treatment a much better indicator of her interest and intentions than her words?

And lastly, do I miss HER or am I really just struggling to feel like I have a chance finding someone else as amazing, or that I’m worth being with someone else as amazing?

I’ve struggled with feeling “good enough” for most of my life – one of my parents was always critical, even when given a compliment, and I think it created my struggles with self worth, or at least started them. I’m much better now, but I’m wondering if it’s really that I’m feeling like I have a better chance with her than anyone else because I’m “not worthy” of love.

I don’t know. I’ve been mulling over this for about a week, and I’m just filled with uncertainty. Is there a “litmus rest” or a question to ask myself in order to weed through some of these thoughts?

I hope you can help, I’m not sure what to do/how to approach this.

Also, probably way too wordy, so sorry for that.

Really appreciate the help,

Just When I Think I’m Out…

Ok JWITIO, have you ever heard the phrase “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result?” That’s where you’re at, right now. The idea that a) she’s going to come back and b) things will be different is… well, honestly it’s kind of laughable, if I’m perfectly honest. I mean, dude. You’ve been in this pattern for four! YEARS! You know exactly how this is going to play out if you go back.

Now look, I get it. God knows in my time I’ve had folks who played the “go away a little closer” game that kept me on the hook for a while. But sometimes it can help to examine just what was going on with her… and why you’re having such a hard time getting over her.

I’m going to be blunt: you were never really in the running for being her boyfriend. You were, at best, a distraction. You provided her emotional intimacy and validation but that’s it… and always on her terms and her schedule. I mean, let’s start with the fact that she was in a closed, monogamous relationship and she’s keeping you around and telling you how into you she is. While it’s true that sometimes it can be hard to end a dodgy relationship and some folks will start flirting (or even sleeping with) someone else in order to force the break-up, it’s pretty clear that you were the guy she turned to because you’d give her the emotional intimacy and validation she craved, without needing to give you anything from her end of things.

You even say it yourself:

We would only hang out sporadically, and rarely. It was always last minute and was late at night or something similar where I was compartmentalized from the rest of her life. We never really went out and did stuff. It was 99% of the time at her house, sitting and talking or watching a show. Not that I don’t want that, but not at the expense of doing anything else.

I’m sorry dude but you were her emotional side-piece. Her “in case of feels emergency, break glass” pseudo-boyfriend. That’s why you’d get those last-minute, can’t-go-anywhere-we-might-be-seen hang-out invitations. She didn’t want to take the risk of word getting out that she was hanging out with you, while also giving you just enough to keep you on the line. It’s pretty significant that for all that she tells you how she’s SO into you and has dreams about you and wants to “treat you right”, literally nothing ever happened. She never treated you like a boyfriend or a potential lover. She gave you just enough hope to think that this might be the time you two finally got together because it kept you around.

Shit dude, she literally said that she wanted you sticking around until she decided to come back again. Once you said “Yo, I’m out,” and meant it, she couldn’t even keep up the pretense that anything would happen. It’s not that she realized how shitty things sounded as she said them, it’s more that she realized that this line was going to work this time.

So no. Getting back in touch with her would be a profoundly stupid idea. All you’re going to get is the 12″ dance remix of the last four years, with her dangling just enough hope in front of you that you keep giving her what she wants and receive literally nothing in return.

That’s no way to live, man.

Like I said: I get it. She’s a lot like an earworm; you’ve had this little fantasy playing in your head all this time and you really want to make things happen so that you can finally close the loop and exorcise the song. But that’s not gonna happen. It’s never going to happen. You’re a kitten chasing after a laser pointer; even if you “catch” it, there’s nothing to catch.

But here’s the thing: the reason why it’s so hard for you to give her up is because you’ve spent so much time on her. I mean, four years is a long-ass time to be carrying a torch for someone. If you were to give up now, it’s going to feel like those four years were for nothing, and that’s really hard to accept. It’s what’s known as the sunk cost fallacy; you don’t want to admit that you lost all that time and effort and so you throw even MORE at it in hopes of making things work. But it won’t. The only healthy option you have here is to write this off as a loss, learn from it and move forward.

And before you ask: no, there is no way to try to keep this to just being a “just friends” thing. That’s the emotional equivalent of playing “just the tip”; all that’s going to happen is that you’re going to get roped back in again and then having this exact same conversation three to six months down the line.

So you need to excise her from your life. You need to treat this like a break-up. That means it’s time to take the Nuclear Option and cut off all the forms of contact you have with her. That means deleting her number and texts, blocking her on social media, archiving all of her emails and gathering up all the souvenirs of your relationship and stashing them away. You want to put as many steps between you and your getting back in contact with her; the more effort it takes to reach her, the easier it is to resist. Right now there just isn’t any way that you can contact her that won’t end in your getting sucked back in, so you need to make it as difficult as possible.

And while you’re doing that? You need to put yourself back out there. You’ve spent four years hoping for a relationship that was never going to happen. That’s four years that you could’ve spent finding someone who is just as awesome as her — if not more so — but who also wants you back. You may never get that time back, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start now and find somebody else.

Letting her go is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. You worry about feeling good enough. You worry about being worthy of love and affection. Here is a truth: there is no expression of self-love and self-worth greater than to tell yourself that you deserve more and better than anything she was offering you. It’s not whether you are good enough for the love of other people, it’s whether they are good enough for your love, time and attention. And your ex? She very clearly isn’t.

To quote the sage: “I may love you, yeah, but I love me more.”

Cut her off and cut her out, man. It’s hard to let go of a dream, but sometimes the point of a dream is to wake up from it.

It’s time to start the next chapter in your life.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

The post Is It A Good Time To Get Back With My Ex? appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

5 Surprising Steps To Get Your Guy To Be More Affectionate

Tue, 25 Feb 2020 18:03:40 +0000

Step 1 - Appreciate good behavior

Step 2 - Not give more

Step 3 - Are you being the woman he fell in love with

Step 4 - Tell him exactly what you need

Step 5 - Get Curious "Do you feel safe in our relationship to be vulnerable?"

My Bike Was Stolen, I am not Mad, Read This To Find Out Why

Tue, 25 Feb 2020 05:08:58 +0000

About a month ago, I was soooo sad. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to work. I didn't want to eat healthy. I didn't want to work out. I didn't want to go on walks. I didn't want to read my self improvement books. I didn't want to do anything.

I was wildly unmotivated and didn't want to do any of the things that I normally LOVE doing. I went into deep analysis to try and figure out what my problem was.

I realized I lost my passion with work. Over the next 1.5 weeks I tried to figure out why. Finally, after speaking to about 6 friends (in depth) and multiple family members I realized because I made work about making money.

And, don't get me wrong, I am running a business, and income is an important metric.

But, the reason I got into business was to help people fall in love and be happy.

Thus, I needed to drastically change my mind set ASAP.

I needed every motion, every thought to be geared towards helping my clients. I needed my being to embody SERVING!

I jumped into immediate action.

One of my clients owed me money, but got diagnosed with cancer. I told her, don't worry about the bill. I GOT YOU.

Next, I had a brand new client agree to terms. Not that she needed the money, but I told her to pay me less just because it felt good and more aligned with my new guiding purpose.

That day, I started to feel a bit better.

Then, for the next few weeks, every day was about serving. How can I help more? How can I give more?

And at times, how can I hold my client more accountable instead of just thinking, "welp, they are not doing the work, but they paid me, so ohhhhhhhhhhh well."

NOPE! No more oh wells. No more packing it in.

If someone needs a virtual smack across the head, they are getting it. Because I don't care about the money, I care about delivering the result we discussed.

Now, weeks later, I am feeling like myself again. Someone with supreme purpose, someone who was put on this earth to help people.

Big Yoga "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Man do I feel good!

NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW...

On Friday February 21 my beloved bike was stolen. It was parked in my gated garage and connected to steel piping with a kryptonite lock. The burglar used bolt cutters and cut the kryptonite chain lock.

I was contacted by a friend via text that my bike was stolen. I walked over to where I parked my biked to confirm that my friend was not messing with me. She was telling the truth.

My first thought was, "Wow, how sad that someone needs to steal bikes. I am so glad I don't need to do that."

Second thought, "This is annoying, I have a busy day and will now need to do a police report and call insurance, and so on."

Third thought, "What a great opportunity to go build a new bike. I am looking forward to that."

Final thought, "I wish I could meet the burglar. I wish we could become great friends. If we became friends, and then told me his story about why he wanted the bike, I probably would have gifted it to him."

So why did I tell you this story?

A month or two ago, I didn't care about life. I felt hopeless. It was because I felt like I had zero purpose.

Although it didn't happen overnight. With the support of friends and family I discovered the one big thing I needed to change.

Next, once I get myself in order and living at my highest vibration, there was nothing that was going to derail me.

Even when someone stole my bike that I used all the time and loved I was not upset. Not even 1% of me was upset. All I felt was immense abundance and soooo much gratification that I am lucky enough to be able to go buy another one.

On top of talking to friends and family who

1. Listened to me complain (Thank you for that!)

2. Offered me possible solutions

I also decided that daily I would write 3 things that I am grateful for. (Some days I miss) but for the most part I try to write down what I am grateful for.

I have been posting what I am grateful for on my facebook/linkedin accounts. If you would like to see what I am grateful, search for EZ Dating Coach on Facebook and follow me. (Also, at the bottom of ever gratitude post I ask, "What are you grateful for today?")

I would love to hear your responses as often as you are willing to share. I have found it very helpful. It allows me to move far away from the scarcity mindset and up close and personal with the ABUNDANCE MINDSET.

I would highly suggest trying it for yourself especially if you find yourself getting sad from time to time.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me blabber. I love you.

See you next rant.

In Full and abundant service of you and to you,

Mike

How To Make Him Feel Like A King

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Tue, 04 Feb 2020 16:54:43 +0000

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