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7 Truths About Men That Can Help You Find True Love After 50

Wed, 02 Apr 2025 16:09:00 +0000

Access this content your way: Scroll down to read or click to watch on YouTube.

Dating after 50 comes with its own unique challenges—but one of the biggest hurdles many women face is this: not truly understanding how men think, especially when you’re looking for something real and lasting.

That’s why I want to share 7 simple, eye-opening truths about men that have helped my clients completely transform their love lives. (Yes, some went from unknowingly pushing men away to having men go out of their way just to get closer.)

I have a feeling these insights could be the key to a whole new experience of dating—and love—for you, too.

Let’s dive in…

Truth #1: Appreciate a man for who he is . . . A MAN

Men are amazing—but they’re not women.

They don’t think like women, and they definitely don’t communicate like women.

While we, as women, often thrive on emotional connection and community, men are more hero-oriented.

They’re wired to provide, protect, and solve problems—it’s how they feel purposeful and valuable.

If you’re dating after 50, recognizing this difference is key.

Expecting men to act like your girlfriends will only leave you confused and disappointed.

Instead, start appreciating the unique masculine energy they bring to the table.

When you do, you’ll not only feel more connected—you’ll also become more magnetic to the kind of man who’s ready to show up for you.

Truth #2: Men over 50 are very masculine

If you’ve spent years leading from your masculine side—especially in your career—you might unknowingly be pushing men into the friend zone.

Why? Because to a man, it can feel like he’s dating another man.

The key is to reconnect with your feminine power—your heart, softness, and authenticity.

Your vulnerability is your strength.

It perfectly complements a man’s deep desire to protect, provide, and cherish.

Truth #3: Men show love through actions, not just words

Hollywood got us a little confused on this one.

We’ve seen those big romantic movie moments—think Jerry Maguire and “You complete me.”

But in real life, especially with men over 50, love often looks like action.

It’s him mowing your lawn, fixing something around the house, or offering you his coat when you’re cold.

These everyday gestures are love in action.

This is how mature men say, “I care about you.”

Truth #4: Men want to make you happy

Let him open the door. Let him change that hard-to-reach lightbulb.

When a man over 50 is into you, he wants to do things that make your life easier. It’s how he shows affection—and how he feels needed, valued, and proud.

All he wants in return? A little appreciation.

A simple “thank you” goes a long way… and makes him want to keep showing up for you.

Truth #5: Don’t criticize how he helps you

If he offers to help—and you say yes—let him do it.

Resisting the urge to micromanage or “fix” how he’s doing it is important.

Because when you step in, it sends a message (even unintentionally) that you don’t trust him to get it right.

To him, it feels emasculating. It makes him feel like a failure.

Next time, he might not offer at all—not because he doesn’t care, but because he doesn’t want to feel that way again.

Truth #6: Men are not your pet project

I hear it all the time: “He’s amazing… if only he would just [fill in the blank].”

But trying to “fix” a man—especially one over 50—never ends well.

He’s not a renovation project. He’s a whole, grown adult.

Accept him as he is, or gracefully move on.

Because chances are, he accepts you as you are.

And that kind of mutual respect?

That’s the foundation of real love.

Truth #7: Make it clear you’re interested

This one’s big.

Many men over 50 are hesitant to put themselves out there—especially if they’ve been hurt or rejected before.

They’re often unsure if it’s safe to approach you.

So give him a green light.

Make eye contact. Smile. Flirt a little. Let him know he’s welcome—whether it’s in person or online.

Dating over 50 can feel vulnerable for both of you.

A little warmth and encouragement can open the door to something truly beautiful.

If these truths resonated with you, you’re so not alone.

So many women over 50 are looking for real connection—but without the right tools, dating can feel like a completely different world.

The good news?

You can attract the kind of man who’s truly right for you—when you understand how men think, what they value, and how to stay grounded in your feminine energy.

And if you’re ready to go deeper…

I’d love to help you personally. Prefer to watch instead of read? Check out the YouTube version here.

Recently I was working with a client on Zoom who happened to live in my area.

As we were scrolling through pictures of men on dating sites, I noticed a familiar face.

This man had contacted me over 15 years ago using the same picture.

I recall giving him the name “KFC Man” because of a revealing conversation we had.

To this day, I can remember exactly where I was when it happened.

I was in the park on my phone – walking my dog. “KFC Man” was jabbering away about how he didn’t care what a woman looked like as long as her body was fit and toned – a perfect example of focusing only on physical attributes that keeps so many people single.

I was floored that someone could be this fixated on body type, so when he asked about mine, I told him my aide wheeled me up to the “KFC” counter every day for my daily dose of fried chicken.

None of this was true but I could tell my words shocked him because for a full 30 seconds he went silent until I finally said, “Just kidding”

Why You Keep Seeing the Same Men on Dating Sites Year After Year

10 years later, there he was, back online-probably because no one could meet his stringent expectations of what would make him happy.

By the way, I know how frustrating it can be to go back on a dating site after a relationship has ended and see the same guys with the same profile and pictures that you saw posted years ago.

It makes you wonder if there are any quality men over 50 out there to date.

Here’s a little secret about dating at this stage of life that most women don’t realize.

There are plenty of great men online, but you might be overlooking them because you’re likely searching for your “type” who has a couple of specific qualities you’re attracted to – just like how the “KFC man” could only see body type as valuable in a relationship.

The problem is that initial attraction doesn’t guarantee compatibility, which is what truly matters for lasting relationships.

And here’s a pattern I’ve noticed over the years: the men you’re typically drawn to rarely show interest online, while the men who don’t fit your usual type are messaging you constantly.

Sound familiar?

This pattern reveals something important about dating after 50 that isn’t working for you.

The Problem With Your “Type” After 50

You’re attracted to a type of man because he feels good to you, as he should because chances are you’ve lived with this type of man your whole life.

Without realizing it, you’re drawn to the familiar even when it hasn’t led to lasting happiness.

But if your type had worked in the past, wouldn’t you be with him now?

So the question is, how do you break free from these relationship choices that aren’t serving you?

I call it “Out of the Box Dating”

The Key to Finding Love Later in Life

Out of the Box Dating means you start giving a chance to men you wouldn’t normally consider – men who might surprise you with how compatible they are and how happy they can make you.

At first, this will take you way out of your comfort zone, so you’ll want to start slowly by changing only one of the qualities you usually look for in a man; maybe someone who has a different type of job, lives a bit further from you or is a little bit older or younger than your usual type.

This approach opens the door to relationship possibilities after 50 you never imagined.

By dating outside your usual type and trying connections with different kinds of men, you open the door to good men who could be a better fit for you and who wants to truly make you happy in a long-term relationship.

It’s simple: expand your dating pool, and you expand your chances of finding lasting love. Let me share a success story that proves this works.

How Staying Open-Minded Led to Finding True Love: A Heartwarming Success Story

Hi Lisa,

Thanks to you and your Love after 50 Group Program, I’ve met a wonderful man and we’re madly in love! On our first date, I wasn’t that interested, but I remembered your advice about giving men a second chance on first dates and keeping an open mind.

He turned out to be perfect for me—we’re compatible on every level and the best part was he had everything I wanted on my Quality Man Template! Following your advice really worked! Life was good before, but it’s even better sharing each day with a loving partner.

— Pat, California

Start Your Journey to New Possibilities

Pat’s story shows what can happen when you open yourself to different connections. She found a man who matched everything on her Quality Man Template by being willing to look beyond her initial impression.

BTW . . . The Quality Man Template Tool helps you create a clear vision of the right man for you – focusing on true compatibility rather than just initial attraction.

This is the key to finding lasting love after 50.

If you’re ready to create your own Quality Man Template and try Out of the Box Dating, I’d love to chat with you about how you can find your perfect match.

Click here to get started

Believing in you,

Believing in You!

P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50

#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon  

Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here

#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group

It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here

#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program

I would love to learn more about your dating journey, understand where you might be stuck, and give you a personalized step-by-step blueprint to attract the right man. And maybe even talk about how we can work together.

If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.

#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel

Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.

The post This Simple Mindset Shift Helps Women Meet Quality Men After 50 appeared first on Find a Quality Man.

Beware of These 3 Dating Behaviors That Turn Men Off When Dating Over 50

Mon, 17 Mar 2025 16:40:43 +0000

Read the full blog below or watch the video version on YouTube

Have you ever been on a date where it feels like the conversation’s really flowing and the two of you are laughing and having fun?

Then out of nowhere, the man you’re with abruptly ends the date.

Many women in mature dating relationships experience this sudden rejection.

This can really hurt your feelings because as a woman whether you like someone or you don’t, you want to feel loved by everyone

But it doesn’t feel very loving when a man quickly exits.

This can send you into a downward spiral that could have you questioning what you might have done wrong.

It’s not that you did anything wrong.

It’s that you may have NOT known the 3 biggest dating behaviors that are notorious for turning men off when finding love after 50..

In today’s blog, I want to share these 3 Dating Behaviors that turn men off when dating after 50.

Turn Off #1 . . . Are you asking too many personal questions on a 1st date?

Want to send a man quickly running on a 1st date?

Ask him tons of personal questions about how he conducts his life.

Here’s what some of these questions might look like . . . “What time did you get up today?” “What did you do last night?” or “Where are you going from here?”

These are huge turn-offs for emotionally healthy men.

Why? Because men love the freedom to do as they please.

When a man feels like you’re keeping tabs on his activities especially when you’ve just met, he start thinking you’re going to try and control his life in some way.

This feels scary so he runs!

Give a man his freedom and his space to do as he pleases.

When he’s ready, he’ll fill you in on his daily activities.

Turn Off #2 . . . Making his life part of your life too quickly when dating after 50

Men feel suffocated by women who want to spend every waking hour of the day with them, especially when it’s right after they’ve met.

When you’re making plans for the two of you to go out again before he’s even asked you for a second date, you’re coming across as clingy and emotionally needy.

He’s thinking maybe you don’t have a life of your own and that’s why you want to turn his life into yours.

This sends a huge red flag up the pole and can make a man step back from the relationship.

Learning how to avoid being clingy in new relationships is essential for dating success after 50.

Let me fill you in on something men have told me over and over again about what attracts men to women over 50:

They love your confidence and independence.

And they love when you are passionate about the life you’ve created.

Building dating confidence is key to finding the right partner.

It’s a huge attraction factor to a man!

Turn Off #3 . . . Being the first one to say the “L” Word when dating after 50

Ever experience a time where your heart quickly opened and in your excitement, you ended up saying the “L” word before he did?

It’s happened to me and I quickly learned that men like to be the first one to say those words to you.

If you say the “L” word before he’s ready, he could step back from the relationship.

I know there are times you feel so much love for a man you want to share it with him. Timing is everything when dating after 50.

Slow down and make sure he’s the one to share this magic moment with you first.

When you’re finding love again at this stage of life, patience with these moments creates stronger connections.

After hearing these 3 dating red flags for women over 50, can you look back and see if you might have turned off a man without realizing it?

My Guy is EVERYTHING I’ve Wanted!

Thank you, Lisa, for your guidance and support in your Love after 50 Group Coaching Program. I’ve been dating a wonderful man I met in a Facebook singles group. He’s everything I’ve wanted in a partner and more! Just today, he delivered food and medicine to my front porch as I have a mild case of COVID. He also volunteered to deliver an at home test he had to a friend of mine who takes care of her 75 year old father. It’s been a wonderful experience and one that I have not had since I was divorced in 1997. Keep the faith ladies! He’s out there! Debbie, Georgia

Would you love having a good man in your life like Debbie now has?

Imagine . . . no more searching for Mr. Right.

No more wondering where can I find him?

And waking up every morning with that love and sweetness in your life.

If this sounds amazing, just click here and let’s set up a time to talk and see how we can make this happen for you.

Believing in you!

Believing in You!

P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50

#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon  

Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here

#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group

It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here

#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program

If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.

#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel

Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.

The post Beware of These 3 Dating Behaviors That Turn Men Off When Dating Over 50 appeared first on Find a Quality Man.

3 Tips to Connect with Your Feminine Energy

Wed, 12 Mar 2025 15:46:13 +0000

You can read the blog below or watch it on YouTube by clicking here.

Nancy worked her butt off climbing up the corporate ladder to her current position as Senior Vice President of Sales.

She’d had to endure a lot to get there.

Men hadn’t always been keen on working for a woman and she knew over the years they had called her a bitch behind her back.

True, it had meant toughening up her heart.

As a kid, her heart had been broken so easily by those who didn’t like her.

These days, she was proud that this was no longer the case.

Every day, Nancy came to work in her power suit . . . either a black skirt and jacket or a black pantsuit.

She had always figured if this is what successful men did in the corporate world, then she’d do it too.

When it came to making presentations to her male colleagues, she felt she was pretty good at it.

She knew exactly how to gather all the facts and figures, knowing men were logical beings and related to numbers well this way.

However, there were times she found herself leaving meetings totally exhausted, feeling like she’d played a challenging mental game she’d had to work hard to win.

On a personal level, Nancy’s marriage had suffered from her climb to the top of the corporate world.

As the judge banged the gavel declaring she and her husband of 20 plus years divorced, he’d looked at her sadly and said, “Nancy, I’ve loved you since we were kids but you just don’t seem to know how to let me be a man. I can’t do this with you anymore.”

She asked him what he’d meant but all he could do was hug her one last time telling her she’d have to figure it out now on her own.

Nancy had all the money she could ever want, and yet as she went to bed every night, she longed to feel a man’s arms around her again making her feel safe and loved.

Divorced now for 3 years, she’d tried dating but men seemed to be intimidated by her job and the power she reeled.

She wasn’t sure what to do and that’s when we began working together.

These 3 tips are the tip of the iceberg when it comes to men but they started changing Nancy’s life with men both personally and in business.

Tip #1 . . . I showed Nancy how to stop competing with men.

Nancy always felt like she’d had to turn her personality switch off and on between her work and dating life.

But in reality . . .

There is no switch.

The secret is learning how to relate to men so they want to cooperate, not compete, with you.

This means learning the language they respond to . . . The Hero Response.

It’s different from the language we as women use . . . what’s best for the community.

Which brings us to . . .

Tip #2 . . . I showed Nancy how to use the language men do speak and hear.

I suggested Nancy start using what I call the 4 magic words – I need your help – at both work and in dating.

As a woman, you are strong.

And YES, you can do it all even when it exhausts you.

Yet most women I speak with are tired of doing it ALL and they would love to have someone take some of the burdens off their shoulders.

But, they fear they might look weak if they ask for help.

Emotionally healthy men are wired to make your life easier both at work and in your personal life.

Tip #3 . . . Take the masculine phrases “I believe” and “I think” out of your vocabulary and replace them with the feminine phrase “I feel”

Men were taught to suck up their emotions and as a result, they can’t always identify the emotion you’re trying to convey.

You can help them (which will help you get your needs met) with a simple vocabulary switch from “I believe” or “I think”(both masculine phrases from the brain) to “I feel”(this phrase shows your vulnerability from your heart and makes a man want to step up and make your life easier).

Now, this doesn’t mean telling a guy . . . “I feel like you’re an idiot for not doing this.”

That will get you nowhere with men.

Instead, say something like “I feel frustrated when a project isn’t completed.”

Or, “I’m feeling angry or sad about this issue.”

Using the words “I feel” also reminds you to stay in your unique feminine power which is your heart and your softness that men are so attracted to in women.

Try these 3 Tips out and watch how it changes your life with men.

Lisa’s Quality Man Template helped me find my soul mate in my 50’s!

I am so grateful to have found Lisa Copeland and the Love After 50 program. The insights I learned about how men think and what they are looking for have helped me to find my soul mate in my 50’s. We couldn’t be more right for one another! We have been dating exclusively for over a year now, and have definitely fallen in love with one another! I am so grateful to have written the Quality Man Template, which was the key tool to helping me realize that this man is the one I have been looking for all my life. Thank you, Lisa Copeland, for all you have taught me! Hugs and kisses and best wishes to you! Lisa, Minnesota

Would you love having the love of a good man in your life in 2023?

Imagine . . . no more searching for Mr. Right.

No more wondering where can I find him.

And waking up every morning with that love and sweetness in your life.

If this sounds amazing, just click here and let’s set up a time to talk and see how we can make this happen for you.

Believing in you!

Which of These 3 Male Personality Types Are You Most Attracted To?

Wed, 26 Feb 2025 15:19:59 +0000

You can read the blog below or watch it on YouTube by clicking here.

Most of us grew up watching fairytales like Cinderella and Snow White when we were little.

And because of these childhood fairytales and in today’s world – Hallmark movies which are adult fairytales – it’s easy to dream about the man in your life looking a bit like the men portrayed in these stories.

For some women, it’s Prince Charming, a man who comes in, sweeps her off her feet and treats her like a princess.

For others, it’s the guy you don’t particularly care for when you meet but as time goes on, you discover you share amazing chemistry, you kiss and become a couple.

There are lots of versions of this dream but the real question is . . . are these fairytale men the types of men out there you can date?

Over the years, I’ve found between real-life experience and research that women are usually attracted to men with one of these 3 Personality Types.

The first one is what I call “The Affluent Man.”

Women love this type of man because he can provide quite well financially in a relationship.

He can wine and dine you at the finest restaurants or take you on the best vacations because his idea of love is money that can give you anything your heart desires.

In theory, that sounds pretty good, right?

The thing is, this man has a Type A personality and is often very driven and focused on his work.

His number one priority is his business and not necessarily his mate once she’s his.

This type of man can be a lot of fun.

And the money can be exciting for what it can give you.

The con of the Affluent Man is you can feel lonely when he’s unable to be there for you emotionally because his Mistress, “work”, has his attention.

The next personality type is the Type B Man.

He’s the type of man who would personally do anything for you.

He truly wants to protect and take care of you himself.

And, he will do whatever it takes to make that happen whether it’s personally helping you with something or suggesting you hire someone to do it if he can’t take care of it.

A Type B Man is financially self-sufficient.

That doesn’t mean you’ll feast on fine dining every night but he can hold his own on dates and sometimes you’ll pick up the check or split the bill with him.

He lives a more balanced life, has enough money to be comfortable, according to his standards and he makes the time to be present for who and what he loves most in his life, whether it’s you, his career, friends or time with his kids.

He’s the one who’ll be there to wipe your tears when you’re sad and share your joys when you’re happy.

His idea of love is doing everything in his power to make you happy.

Our Type A Man is often too busy making money to pay attention to your everyday emotional well-being and mostly leaves it to you to take care of yourself, although he’ll happily pay for a therapist to get you through a crisis.

Then you have the Type C Man.

He comes out of his marriage financially and emotionally devastated or he’s lost his job, but he is still out there dating.

There are a lot of men like this who appear to be great men but who have acute financial or emotional issues.

Women love this Project Man because they can fix him up to be what they’ve always been looking for in their life.

And in the beginning a Type C man likes someone helping him get his life back on track.

Over time, he tires of being someone’s project and starts to feel smothered and controlled and often leaves the relationship breaking your heart as he moves on.

You’ve fixed him up and he’s now a pretty good catch for someone else.

So which of the 3 personality types do you usually date or would like to date?

Do you want the Type A “Affluent Man” who can take you on a 5 star vacation but may not be there emotionally when you need him?

Are you open to the Type B who can wine and dine you on a smaller scale yet is so there for you on an emotional level?

Or do you love a fixer-upper who will keep you busy with his emotional and financial difficulties?

Let me know which one you like.

Now, a quick note I hope inspires you to know finding love after 50 is possible for you too . . .

Thanks to Lisa and her Love After 50 program. The insights and experience Lisa shared led me to find a great guy. The Quality Man Template helped me focus on what I was looking for. It may have taken a little while, and admit I got frustrated at times, but I took breaks to focus on me and then jumped right back into the program. I am glad I waited and stuck with the program until I found my quality guy. We have been dating exclusively for several months now and sharing a lot of love, laughter and fun. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. Thank you! Ellen, Virginia

If you’re looking for guidance and support on how to attract the partner of your dreams, why don’t you book a complimentary Dating Breakthrough Session with me to see how to make it happen for you in 2025.

Believing in You!

P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50

#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon  

Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here

#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group

It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here

#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program

If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.

#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel

Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.

The post Which of These 3 Male Personality Types Are You Most Attracted To? appeared first on Find a Quality Man.

What to Talk About on a First Date After 50: 12 Conversation Do’s and Don’ts

Wed, 19 Feb 2025 15:00:29 +0000

What to Talk About on a First Date After 50: 12 Conversation Do’s and Don’ts

You can read the blog below or watch it on YouTube by clicking here.

I recently watched an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond called The Sister-In-Law.

What a funny show that depicts so well what goes on conversation wise between a man and a woman.

It begins with Raymond having the house all to himself and he’s chosen to spend his time relaxing on the couch watching a basketball game.

He’s so happy eating chips and chilling in front of the tube while waiting for his brother to show up.

The door opens but instead of Robert showing up, his wife Amy comes and parks herself on the couch right next to Raymond.

You can visibly watch Raymond’s face change as Amy starts sharing the details of her day – including the challenges and issues she encountered with a saleslady along with lots of details about the family Tuesday Fondue Party coming up.

As Robert walks in, Amy leaves happy as can be feeling like she’s made a real connection with Raymond.

But has she?

The answer is ABSOLUTELY NOT.

In fact, Raymond ends up nicknaming her Lady Chatterley.

So, why do I share this story with you?

You might be wondering what to talk about on a first date after 50.

Guess what? You’re not alone.

Many of my clients struggle with this exact challenge.

As women, we love details and that’s why Amy openly shared with Raymond all the intricate details of her shopping experience.

But, men don’t always follow details. They can be overwhelming to them.

So if you can’t go into a lot of details, then what do you talk about on a first date?

Here are 12 Do’s and Don’ts my clients have used for smoother first date conversations with men.

Do’s:

1. Do try smiling, laughing and when a date isn’t flowing well, try saying something like “First dates are really awkward, aren’t they?” It a great icebreaker and creates an instant moment of connection.

2. Do share interesting stories with each other from your life experiences. These will reveal a lot about your values and your personalities.

3. Do talk about friends and family and ask about his. These connections reveal a lot about who you both are without getting too personal too fast.

4. Do compliment him – Men like compliments too and a nice compliment can enhance the connection and create a positive vibe between you.

5. Do share interesting travel stories and ask where he’s been. You never know, you both might have matching places you’d like to visit on your bucket lists.

6. Do talk about something fun or funny that happened to you recently. It makes you feel light and fun to be around and someone who doesn’t always take life so seriously.

Don’ts:

1. Don’t talk about anything that involves anger or bitterness you may still feel about your ex. If you still have those feelings, wait to start dating again until you’ve healed them.

2. Don’t immediately bring up past relationships or compare your date to your ex. No man will feel he can live up to that standard, and he won’t try. Watch the date end quickly when this topic comes up!

3. Don’t bring up politics or religion. These are “hot topics” that can push people’s buttons. You’re looking for a 2nd date not World War III.

4. Don’t rush into discussions about retirement finances or long-term care plans; these topics are better reserved for men you see as potential partners for a meaningful relationship.

5. Don’t bend like a pretzel to make someone like you; it’s important to be genuine and share your true interests and values rather than pretending to be someone you’re not just to seem more appealing.

6. Don’t monopolize the conversation or talk on and on about yourself. I know it’s boring when a man does it too, but you only have control over your part – so make sure you aren’t perceived as a *Lady Chatterley* like Amy was.

And of course, if you’re a sports fan, you’ve struck conversational gold with many men!

Now you have several proven strategies for what to discuss on first dates after 50.

Remember, creating meaningful conversation starters for dating after 50 doesn’t have to be complicated.

The goal of first date conversation isn’t to share your entire life story – it’s to create enough intrigue and connection that you both want to learn more about each other.

Ready to find meaningful connection?

Discover how to navigate the dating world after 50 with confidence. Schedule your Complimentary Find Love After 50 Breakthrough Session with me by clicking here.

Your perfect match could be closer than you think!

Believing in You!

P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50

#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon  

Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here

#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group

It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here

#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program

If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.

#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel

Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.

The post What to Talk About on a First Date After 50: 12 Conversation Do’s and Don’ts appeared first on FindAQualityMan.com.

3 Ways To Make Valentine’s Day Fun Even When You Don’t Have A Date

Wed, 12 Feb 2025 15:54:41 +0000

3 Ways To Make Valentine’s Day Fun Even When You Don’t Have A Date

There are some days where being single is really hard.

February 14, happens to be one of them.

You can’t help but see commercials on TV or storefronts loaded with Valentine’s Day ideas and gifts.

Your email box is probably loaded with offers to wine and dine you and the sweetheart you wish you had.

Everywhere you look it seems like couples are holding hands and kissing.

The huge emphasis on Valentine’s Day LOVE can feel so intense that not only do you feel lonely on this day, but you may also feel left out of something that seems to be universally happening for everyone else but you.

So I want to give you 3 Ways to actually make VALENTINE’S DAY fun for you!

#1 . . . Make YOU your Valentine

Make this day about you.

Do something special for yourself.

I have one client who is taking herself out to dinner.

She chose a restaurant she always wanted to go to and made a reservation.

She is so excited to do this and yes she is doing it on her own because she feels she’s worth it.

If you’re not up for dining alone, have one of your favorite meals delivered from your favorite restaurant.

Really do it up and make this meal special.

Light some candles.

Grab a glass of wine.

Put your dinner on real plates . . . ones you actually love that make you feel good.

Find a movie that you’ve wanted to see on Netflix, Amazon Prime or Hulu and just relax and enjoy this special treat.

You are worth it and it feels nice to treat yourself.

#2 . . . Call some of your friends and invite them over for drinks, appetizers and games

Girlfriends are really important and can make this dreaded night fun.

Call up one or more of your single friends and see if they’d like to come over for drinks and appetizers.

Ask each one to bring their favorite appetizer or bottle of wine along with a favorite game.

Games are fun and even if your friends don’t all know each other, games are a great icebreaker for bringing people together.

Your single friends who don’t have Valentine’s dates will be so happy you took the initiative to make tonight a fun night.

And you’ll feel good hanging out laughing and enjoying good food with some of your favorite people.

#3 . . . Join a new dating site

Even men can feel the sadness of being alone on Valentine’s Day and you will probably find quite a few hanging out on your favorite online dating site or app.

So grab your phone, tablet or computer; post your pictures and profile then start favoring the men who pique your interest.

Who knows you could find your Mr. Right.

If you’re tired of trying to overcome the over 50’s dating challenges, the smartest thing to do is to find someone who can help you solve them.

Every problem you’re dealing with, I guarantee you I’ve seen it and helped other single women fix it and find the man of their dreams.

Why keep suffering trying to figure this out on your own?

Book a complimentary call with me and lets see how we can change your love life this year. I’d love to help you too!

A little inspiration to inspire you that love is possible at any age . . .

Lisa – I honestly could not have done this without you. You were a vital coach to being who I wanted to be and then attracting the man I wanted to attract. Your calls, especially in the early stages, helped so much in learning not to panic and to trust the process, and most of all, how not to chase! I feel like I am 1000x smarter in the world of men, than I was before I started 2 years ago. It’s really amazing the gift you give women. Annie Florida

Believing in you!!!!

Big hugs~

Believing in You!

P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50

#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon  

Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here

#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group

It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here

#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program

If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.

#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel

Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.

The post 3 Ways To Make Valentine’s Day Fun Even When You Don’t Have A Date appeared first on FindAQualityMan.com.

Dating After 50: Navigating Intimacy and Connection

Thu, 06 Feb 2025 13:08:44 +0000

Navigating Intimacy and Connection Dating After 50

You can read the blog below or watch it on YouTube by clicking here.

As a woman over 50, it can feel both exciting and nerve-wracking re-entering the dating scene after a long marriage has ended.

You may even find yourself filled with mixed feelings as you navigate this whole new chapter especially when it comes to intimacy.

I’m often asked: “When is the right time to have sex with a man I’m dating? Do I need to follow some sort of protocol?”

That’s whey today we’re going to explore this journey together and shed some light on these important concerns.

#1 Prioritizing Your Safety

Intimacy can be an incredible experience, but in the heat of the moment, it’s so easy to overlook important safety considerations.

As you embark on this new dating journey, you want to keep in mind that your well-being is essential.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports a significant increase in STD/SDI rates among our demographic in recent years, making it more important than ever to be proactive about your sexual health.

While you no longer have to worry about unplanned pregnancies, staying safe should always be a priority.

Carry some form of protection in your purse so you feel prepared for unexpected intimate moments.

It’s also a good idea for both you and your partner to get tested, so you can approach intimacy with peace of mind.

This way, when the sparks start flying, you can truly enjoy those moments without any worries.

If you have questions or concerns about STD’s/STI’s, herpes, and HIV navigating dating, don’t hesitate to reach out to your doctor.

They are your best resource for information and guidance on this important topic.

#2 The First Date: An Intimate Dilemma

Now, let’s dive a little deeper into the topic of intimacy.

The excitement of a first date often brings on a whirlwind of emotions.

You might find amazing chemistry between the two of you that leads to spontaneous moments.

And that’s perfectly natural—those hormonal urges can still ignite a spark at any age!

However, it’s worth keeping in mind that intimacy on a first date can often lean towards casual encounters rather than genuine connections.

Consider limiting the time on a first date to 2 hours of just getting to know each other.

This approach can reduce the pressure to rush into something physical too soon.

Allow yourself the space to explore a mental and emotional connection with a new man.

It will set the stage for a deeper connection in the future if you’re a match.

#3 Debunking that “Third Date Myth”

I’m sure you’ve heard this age-old notion that the third date is the “magic” number for intimacy.

I’m here to tell you, that’s not necessarily true.

Now, if you’re feeling that strong connection and you’re comfortable taking that step on a third date, go for it! (But do it SAFELY and use what you learned in Tip #1 above)

The most important thing when it comes to being intimate is to trust your own feelings and desires, rather than caving in to external pressure.

Don’t bend like a pretzel to accommodate a man on this.

Focus on what feels right for you.

Here’s something interesting; there are single men over 50 out there who value building a friendship before diving into the physical relationship because ultimately it fosters a deeper connection between the two of you.

But it’s also important to recognize that some men may still be looking for immediate physical connections .

It’s always you’re choice!

I tell you this because being aware of these different perspectives can empower you to navigate the dating world with greater confidence and clarity .

And, it allows you to connect authentically with men while staying true to your own needs and desires.

#4 Crafting a Meaningful Online Profile

As you navigate the dating sites, keep in mind that the signals you send through your profile truly matter.

You want to steer clear of any references to sex or how long it’s been since your last intimate encounter.

Mentioning something like making love on a beach – although it sounds romantic – it comes across as you’re looking for a casual fling rather than a genuine connection.

By being mindful of your wording, you can attract a like-minded man who is interested in creating a deep and lasting bond with you.

#5 Trusting Your Intuition

Ultimately, the best advice I can offer is to trust your instincts.

If you sense a strong physical attraction right away, recognize that HOT CHEMISTRY can feel great but it doesn’t mean he’s a match!

Just remember to pace yourself.

Relationships grounded in friendship tend to be more resilient, offering strength when the initial sparks start to fade.

Take your time; don’t let anyone rush you into intimacy before you feel ready.

If a man can’t respect your timeline, he might not be the right match for you.

Remember, there are many wonderful men out there who will honor your pace and desires.

Dating is an exciting and transformative journey—a chance to rediscover yourself, connect with others, and embrace new experiences.

Approach it with an open heart and mind, and allow yourself to explore the possibilities that come your way.

#6 Putting it all together

Now is the time for you to take charge of your love life.

Step into this chapter with confidence by honoring yourself!

Prioritize your safety, trust your instincts, and cultivate authentic connections with good men.

Update your online profile, engage in meaningful conversations, and don’t hesitate to reach out for support when needed.

Remember, you have the power to shape your own experience.

And lastly, embrace the excitement of new possibilities, stay true to your desires, and above all, believe in your worth.

The right man is out there, waiting for you to discover him.

Believing in you!

Believing in You!

P.S. Whenever you are ready, here are four ways I can help you find love after 50

#1: Get a copy of my book The Winning Dating Formula on Amazon  

Where I will walk you through a step-by-step breakdown of the exact tools and strategies you need for attracting the right man into your life — Click here

#2: Join the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group

It’s our Facebook community where you can connect with me and a community of women ready to support you on your journey for finding love after 50 — Click here

#3: Work with me 1-on-1 or in my Group Program

If you are interested in learning more about how I can help, you can Click here to answer a few quick questions and schedule a call.

#4: Subscribe to my YouTube Channel

Click here to explore my YouTube channel for valuable tips on dating and relationships after 50! Discover insights that will empower you to attract the right partner with confidence.

The post Dating After 50: Navigating Intimacy and Connection appeared first on FindAQualityMan.com.

Men Seeking Love Should Definitely Use A Professional Matchmaker

Sat, 05 Nov 2022 20:50:34 +0000

Many new singles entering the dating world are discovering that it’s not that easy to find that special someone. Today the use of dating apps is every popular but even that can turn into an almost full time job. This can be difficult for busy professional men. So, men seeking love should definitely use a professional matchmaker.

But like dating apps, one size doesn’t fit all. We have all seen the Bravo TV show Millionaire Matchmaker. Here a man picks from a group of women with the hope one will win his heart. That is not the way it typically works.

Today’s matchmakers are generally broken down into two distinct groups. The large national chains and the specialized boutique matchmaker.

The national chains in many ways are not much different from regular online dating or dating apps. Here a matchmaker matches you with a database of women. The limitation is if they don’t have someone as part of that database, you’re probably not going to find a match.

The boutique matchmakers on the other hand starts with a database but then take it several steps further.

These matchmakers usually work with a network or other matchmakers, so they have access to multiple databases of women. Beyond that, a select group of boutique matchmakers use a network of recruiters.

Recruiters are people who are out and about. These can be bartenders, event promoters and others who are on the scene at specialized singles venues. Recruiters can be on the look out for very specific women who meet the criteria a male client may be seeking.

So how do you choose the best matchmaker ?

As it turns out there is one matchmaking company who consistently wins awards and has an over 90% success rate at matching couples.

Love Boss Matchmaking works in the entire U.S. and Canada. The service is free for women. Male clients can get custom tailored plans that meet their needs and budget.

Men can fill out a confidential profile or call Love Boss Matchmaking +1-(561)-903-0500. A matchmaker will set up a same day call.

Men Seeking Love Should Definitely Use A Professional Matchmaker

Contact Alexis Meads

The post Men Seeking Love Should Definitely Use A Professional Matchmaker appeared first on Alexis Meads | Dating Coach and Dating Expert | Portland Oregon.

Video Chat Before A First Date Is A Must

Mon, 09 Aug 2021 15:40:39 +0000

Video Chat Before A First Date Is A Must

We all Facetime with friends and family. Video chat became the only way to date or meet during the lockdowns. But to video chat before a first date is a must.

Although many people use the term Facetime, that is unique to those who own an iPhone. The most popular video chat app is WhatsApp. It is owned by Facebook and has over 5 billion users. That makes it the most used app of its kind in the world by far.

If you don’t want to give out their phone number, dating apps like Match and Bumble have video chat functions.

As we have talked about before, it’s important to talk to someone to see if there is any connection. Taking that to the next level is video chatting. First off, it eliminates any chance of being catfished.

Video chatting allows to really experience what it is like to actually be with a person. The only difference from being in person, is you can’t smell of touch the person. What most people find is if the connect well on video, they are excited meet.

You feel like you already know the person when meeting so the whole sense of awkwardness or anxiety is gone.

In fact, we found that over 90% of those who video chatted before the first date had a second date !

So, the numbers speak for themselves on how few bad first dates happened. It makes sense because the video chats themselves were almost like first dates.

And for those who just want to meet, are over 90% of your first dates turning into second dates ?

The bottom line here is you have great video chats, you’re probably going to have an amazing first date. And remember, you can always blow a kiss at someone during a video chat.

If you don’t think that video chat before a first date is a must, then think again.

And for more free advice on first dates, you can request a free session on Dating Coach Live. Or if you want total talk for a professional matchmaker, check out Love Boss Matchmaking.

Alexis XoXO

The post Video Chat Before A First Date Is A Must appeared first on Alexis Meads | Dating Coach and Dating Expert | Portland Oregon.

5 (Surprising!) Things Men Crave in a Woman

Wed, 09 Sep 2020 01:11:38 +0000

The #1 Surprising Emotion That Makes 97.5% of Men Respect You

Tue, 01 Sep 2020 17:23:06 +0000

Are You Guilty of These 5 Dating "Turn Offs" That Disgust Men

Tue, 25 Aug 2020 17:15:41 +0000

When A Man Purposely Ignores You: The SHOCKING Reason

Tue, 18 Aug 2020 18:01:54 +0000

The #1 Secret To Make A Man Love and Value You

Sat, 15 Aug 2020 18:30:20 +0000

THIS Communication Style Brings A Man Closer To You

Tue, 11 Aug 2020 17:17:18 +0000

The 3 Things He's Thinking About During No Contact

Sat, 08 Aug 2020 18:05:18 +0000

He Will NEVER Lose Interest When You Do THIS!

Tue, 04 Aug 2020 17:26:16 +0000

5 Signs He Sees You As A High-Value Woman

Sat, 01 Aug 2020 18:17:51 +0000

3 Shameless Ways Men Test Women Online

Tue, 28 Jul 2020 17:43:15 +0000

Never Fight For His Attention - Do THIS Instead!

Sun, 26 Jul 2020 17:31:37 +0000

1 Instant Way To Start LOVING YOURSELF (This Will Surprise You...)

Tue, 21 Jul 2020 17:27:30 +0000

How A Man Bonds With A Woman ~ You Must Hear This!

Sun, 19 Jul 2020 23:31:18 +0000

5 Signs That He Genuinely Cares About You

Sat, 04 Jul 2020 16:30:01 +0000

5 Signs That He Genuinely Cares About You

0:33 1 - Puts your physical needs first

2:11 2 - He Is Proud of You and Tells friends, family, and everyone

3:19 3 - Is he willing to break his routine for you

4:19 4 - He Remembers the little things

5:10 5 - He is vulnerable with you

Say THIS and Make His Heart Melt

Tue, 30 Jun 2020 15:52:22 +0000

Say This and Make His Heart Melt In order to make him crave you, melt into a puddle, and ultimately be putty in your hand there is certain words that can accomplish that.

In today's video we will discuss what you can do/say to make his heart melt for you and truly desiring you.

4 Surprising Factors That Make Him ADDICTED To You

Sat, 27 Jun 2020 18:22:37 +0000

4 Surprising Factors That Make Him Addicted To You

Making a man addicted to you will cause him to keep coming back for more. The man will crave you, chase you, and want to spend time with you.

Here are the 4 Surprising Factors

1. Having an amazing life

2. Sexy Boundaries executed properly - watch video for role played examples

3. Appreciation

4. No Self Doubt

The #1 Thing That Makes Him PULL AWAY (Do THIS Instead to Activate his Masculine Desire to Chase)

Tue, 23 Jun 2020 18:28:35 +0000

Inspire Him to Love You Even More by Expressing Your Needs and Desires THIS Way

Sat, 20 Jun 2020 17:08:14 +0000

In this video I will teach you how to inspire him to love you even more by expressing your needs and desires this way.

MALE SECRETS EXPOSED - What Men Will NEVER Admit To Women

Thu, 18 Jun 2020 18:56:44 +0000

Men Fall In Love When Women REVEAL THIS (What His Heart Wants)

Thu, 18 Jun 2020 18:54:28 +0000

Men Fall in love when women reveal this. (What his heart wants).

Men will fall for a woman when she is authentically herself and when she feels comfortable to be herself and show her idiosyncrasies.

In todays video we will share some stories that will illustrate what causes a man to fall in love, and what women need to do to cause this. (This is what his heart is craving).

LEARN THIS and Men will WORSHIP YOU

Sat, 13 Jun 2020 16:45:40 +0000

Understand Men So They Will Worship You

1. What Do Men Want?

2. How do you tell a man what you need and want without nagging?

3. Do women or men have more opportunity to find their match?

4. What makes a man worship us?

NAAB

Needed

Appreciated

Accepted

Boundaries

What Causes A Man To End A Relationship?

Tue, 26 May 2020 18:39:25 +0000

Why do relationships end?

The fun stops and couples don't stop fighting over problems that both parties have already decided are not solvable.

Couples need to look at their "perpectual" problems and decide is this a deal breaker of can we accept that we will NEVER see eye to eye on this particular issue.

How to Text a Guy to Drive Him Wild!

Fri, 15 May 2020 22:15:53 +0000

You’ve got his number, you want to text him, and you want to make this guy go crazy for you. We spend more time communicating via text messages, WhatsApp, Facebook, and Instagram messenger than ever, so what's the best way to build chemistry and attraction via text? Is there a certain approach you can take to spark his interest and drive him wild? What’s the best way to set yourself apart from everyone else?

In today’s article on how to text a guy, I want to give you some tips and tools that I share with my clients during our one on one coaching sessions. By incorporating these techniques into your conversations via text with this guy, you’re going to have everything you need to make him become addicted to you!

How to text a guy and spark his interest

I’ve been working with women who want to perfect their seduction and flirtation skills for many years now, so I can tell you what works and what doesn’t. For starters, one of the most common mistakes I see is a person trying to show their interest by constantly telling their “target” how attracted they are. The thing is, human nature makes us take things that are handed to us on a silver platter for granted. What’s more, we’ve been taught that to receive more love, we need to keep giving more love.

Human nature is a fascinating thing and works a bit differently, and we need to keep this in mind while we discuss how to text a guy you like…

First things first, it’s better to communicate your interest in person than through text message, especially if it’s early on in the dating process. I know that we’re in the 21st century and it feels like everything happens through text, but we need to build attraction in a way that truly grabs his attention! Because texting is so commonplace, I want you to stand out in his mind.

What to text a guy when you want to drive him wild:

It all begins with laying out a good foundation. The more you know about him, the easier it will be to attract him, so it all starts with asking him the right questions. Show him that you’re genuinely curious about his life, and you can start to talk about your personal life as well.

This is so important because men respond well when they find someone who is fun, uplifting, and interesting. They tend to pull away when they start to feel pressure to be in a relationship, to be a couple, to make rules, etc. This is why I always talk about building attraction by creating interest. So when you’re texting this guy, ask him about his life! I know that a lot of people struggle with this simply because they like the guy and it makes them a little self-conscious. It feels like there are stakes so they put pressure on themselves to be extra flirtatious or even eager.

There is a simple remedy for this: Just talk to this guy the way that you would talk to your best friend. Let your humor shine through, don’t be afraid to joke around, and don’t think about labels like “the relationship” or “boyfriend.” This way, you’ll allow it to develop easily and naturally. Whatever you do, don’t try to rush things. You’ll only put pressure on yourself and he’ll pick up on it! Just allow yourself to be yourself, and then we can get into honing in on sparking his interest…

How to text a guy you like: Tell him about YOU

We want to find out more about his life, but it’s equally important to talk about your personal life as well. There is a really effective tool for this, actually. If you can spark his curiosity, you’ll grab his attention.

Look at the difference between, “Today was nice because I ran into an old friend,” and “You’ll never guess what happened today!”

The way you text can create excitement and complicity. In the second option, he’d immediately want to know what happened and it’s easy for him to continue the conversation with you. Then you could go on to say that you bumped into this friend at the supermarket which is nuts, because you met them in a different city. Be playful in your storytelling and you’ll make the conversations fun and captivating. Men love to talk about themselves but they also like to hear stories, and this is the perfect way to share more about your life as well.

This way, he’ll become more and more interested, in your life, and not just your appearance! The more you share, the more you’ll build chemistry. I often see that when a woman likes a guy, she’ll want to get straight to the point and talk about feelings and relationships, but this can undermine you. If you do that, you’re moving too fast so I really encourage you to talk to this guy as if he were your best friend, and don’t be afraid to show him how interestING (not interested) you are! There is no need to play a role or to play games. It’s just going to help you be even more confident, which is something that men find irresistibly sexy.

What to text a guy: Flirtation and teasing

We can’t neglect the importance of flirtation when it comes to how to text a guy. We’re all here because we want to have fun and be happy. Nobody wants to talk about deeply serious stuff that might feel a little heavy when you’re first starting to build chemistry. So be fun, share pictures of your day and show him that you’re enjoying yourself! Live a life that looks interesting and inviting and remember, men LOVE to chase. They want you to be a challenge.

So this is where flirtation and teasing can come into play! Let’s say that you dance salsa. Let him know! Talk to him about how much you love it and how it makes you feel. Then tease him when you talk about going out dancing together one night.

“Oh, you think you could keep up with me on the dance floor? ;)”

So often we forget to show our personalities when we like someone, when that’s the key to making them fall for you! The more you can flirt and tease while showing him that you’re confident in what you bring to the table, the more you become a challenge. This is what will keep him coming back for more!

Don’t text a guy all the time!

As this article comes to a close, I want to leave you with one last bit of useful information, and this is huge. If a guy feels that you are constantly available to him, it’ll become easy for him to take you for granted.

We don’t want that at all, so be busy! Fill up your schedule with people, projects, and activities that bring you joy! Make the conversations you have with him fun and flirtatious, and don’t be afraid to take your time to respond to him. This way, you naturally make him realize that your life is rich and inviting. He might even realize that he’d be a fool to not want to try to be a part of it.

My friends, this is where social media comes into play. Even if you aren’t talking to him all the time, you can be posting pictures of all the fun things you’re doing, the workout you just completed, the trip you’re planning on taking and it will all catch his attention. He will subconsciously put you on a pedestal when he realizes that you’ve got so much interesting stuff going on AND you’re making him wait.

You’re the challenge, you’re the prize, and you’re in control of your life! Ladies, there is nothing sexier in a man’s eyes.

I wish you all the very best in love,

Your #1 French relationship coach

Alex Cormont

P.S. - Alex's got a free gift for you! A free masterclass on how men work. In this class you will discover all the secrets of male psychology so you can be totally happy and in love.

Click Here to sign up for the FREE Masterclass.

How to have an INTENSE Connection With A Man When You Are Far Away

Tue, 14 Apr 2020 17:56:46 +0000

Why Men Are Confusing When It Comes to CommitMENt

Tue, 07 Apr 2020 17:13:34 +0000

How to Keep Him Crazy In Love With You (Powerful, Be Careful With This)

Sat, 04 Apr 2020 19:26:29 +0000

I Visited An Escort and I Regret It. What Should I Do?

Mon, 30 Mar 2020 13:30:11 +0000

Hi Doc, hope you’re doing great.

As the title says, I went to an escort a few weeks ago. Some backstory: I’m 28, never kissed a girl, never had a girlfriend and I’ve always been rejected. I always feel very lonely and sad about this, thinking that I’ll probably never have a girlfriend and I’ll die as a lonely and bitter old man. I thought many times about doing this, to finally see and experience something foreign and unreachable for me, and one night I took courage and did it. I contacted someone I thought was cute, the same age as me and provided GFE (girlfriend experience), booked an hour and went to her apartment. She noticed I was a bag of nerves and I told her it was my first time, so she tried to calm me down.

She was very nice and kind and it wasn’t awkward or weird. I had so many feelings like I was being shaken and for that hour my mind went blank and I forgot about everything. I felt alive. The thing is, and please please believe me, we didn’t have sex. We kissed for a while (it was great) and when I hugged her I just didn’t want to let her go. We spend the rest of our time cuddling and talking about our lives, what we liked and just chillin’. We had a long hug before I left and she kissed me on the cheek.

Everything was fine until I got out of there. On the ride home, I felt like if everyone on the bus knew just what I did. I thought about my parents. They would be very disappointed and angry. I thought I just had my first kiss with someone I didn’t love and vice versa and after all it was meaningless. I felt empty and guilty. I thought about that poor girl who had to tolerate being kissed and touched by me. I feel like I’m a bad person for purchasing a kiss and someone’s time like if it was a sandwich. And what its worst, I’m thinking about doing it again. Not tomorrow, not next week, but probably one or twice a month in the future.

I know it’s far of being the best coping mechanism and it’s a fake experience, but for someone like me, this is the closest I’ll ever be to intimacy. At least is something, right? I have so many mixed feelings and I don’t know what to do. I feel sorry and hate myself for doing it. Yet I was happy for the experience. I have no one to talk about this (since it’s pretty embarrassing and sad) any advice?

Thanks!

Advice Needed

So I feel for you, AN. I get what it’s like to feel like there’s this experience that other people will have that you’ll never get to know. But as with a lot of folks who write in — folks who are in similar situations as you — the problem you’re experiencing isn’t the problem you think you’re having.

I get a lot of letters from late-bloomers and older virgins, even folks going through months or years long dry spells, who talk about how badly they want to get laid why can’t they find someone to hook up with who’d relieve them of this burden. But the thing is, the issue they’re having isn’t the lack of sex. If that’s all it were, there would be any number of ways to get that particular itch scratched. This can be anything from finding someone who may not be your usual type but is down for something casual, hitting up Tinder or, yes, going to a sex worker. If a person worried about the legality of the matter, then saving up money for a trip to Reno or Amsterdam is always an option, especially if you want it badly enough.

However, the issue isn’t sex, it’s the desire for validation. The incel community is a prime example of this. Even when you filter out the folks using the label as an excuse for the hate, misogyny and untreated body dysmorphia, you barely have to scratch the surface before you get down to the fact that what they want is to feel validated. It’s the sense that someone chose you and that this means that you’re special or somehow better than the folks that weren’t. Hence, approaches like visiting a sex worker are seen as “cheating”. To quote a classic case of “missing the point”:

You cheated not only the game, but yourself.
You didn’t grow.
You didn’t improve.
You took a shortcut and gained nothing.
You experienced a hollow victory.
Nothing was risked and nothing was gained.

And hey, cool story bro, but this approach misses the point so thoroughly that it launched itself into low-earth orbit instead. As I’ve said many times before, women ain’t Mjolnir; nobody has “Whomsoever shall part these thighs, if they be worthy, shall have the power of SCORE” embroidered on their panties.

(And if they do, someone owes me royalties.)

Women have sex with folks for a multitude of reasons, reasons that often have NOTHING to do with the person they’re sleeping with, just as men do. Women sleep with people because they’re bored, they want validation, to send a message to someone, as a form of self-harm, to try to get over someone else… all things that don’t mean that the person they’re having sex with was the top of the heap, the best of the best. Sometimes it means that they were the nearest and most convenient or even the least objectionable.

Visiting an escort and paying for a girlfriend experience isn’t cheating the system any more than going to a restaurant and having someone else cook you dinner is cheating. It’s an exchange of money for a service. It’s not the mark of someone “who couldn’t get laid any other way” — look at how many married people, even celebrities have visited escorts — and it’s not the mark of a loser. What you take away from it and what it means is entirely up to you.

So with that in mind, let’s talk about your case specifically, AN. You have a few issues here. The first is that you’re treating this as something shameful — that you “cheated” the system somehow by having this moment with somebody that you paid. So let me ask you this: would you feel differently if you had this same experience with someone you met at a bar, but who’s motivation was “I just want to get off, and I don’t care with who?” Or a person at a party who decided that she was going to make out with someone because she was angry at her ex and you happened to be there? Would you be feeling the same if your first kiss was literally just someone else using you to get back at someone else?

Instead you went to a professional, paid her for her time, and she provided you with an experience that was specifically for you. Your first kiss was with somebody who knew that it was your first and was focused entirely on your enjoyment and comfort. To be perfectly frank: you probably had a better first kiss than a lot of folks who stumbled into theirs. Your partner was someone who was entirely focused on you, your needs and the moment. That’s going to be a lot more enjoyable than a drunken hook-up or a random make-out at a bar or a party.

The thing that you have to understand is that the “meaning” of anything is literally just what you decide it means. A first kiss, a first sexual experience, hell, the first cheeseburger of the year, all have the same meaning: nothing. And everything. It all comes down to what you have decided it means. The idea that a first kiss should be with someone you love is a completely artificial construct, and one that’s more tied to sexual shame than objective reality. Plenty of folks had their first kiss with people they don’t love. Even more had their first sexual experience with people they didn’t love, or even like, in some cases. We don’t shame them for that, and the folks who do are just assholes.

The things you’re feeling — the idea that the folks on the bus could tell, the idea that your parents would be upset — that’s shame fucking with you. That’s the idea that you “cheated the system” trying to convince you that you did something wrong. You didn’t, because there is no system to cheat. There is just your life, your experiences and your path. This isn’t a “fake” experience; a fake experience would be if it were all a dream or virtual reality. It’s just an experience… one that you’ve decided was fake. That’s a different thing entirely.

The second issue you’re having is that you’re treating this as your somehow “inflicting” yourself on the escort you visited… except you did nothing of the sort. I realize that folks think that paying an sex-worker means that you’ve basically coerced someone into doing your bidding — a time-limited sex-slave, if you will — but the reality is that being with an escort is still a matter of consent. The idea of “we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone” still exists, even if you’re an escort, a stripper, a cam girl or someone providing happy endings with a massage. If the escort you visited didn’t want to do anything with you, she could very easily have told you to get the fuck out. Similarly, if she had such a horrible time that she couldn’t possibly contemplate the idea of ever seeing you again, then she could very easily refuse to let you book another appointment with her.

And while the experience may have been transactional, that doesn’t automatically mean that it’s bad, a bad experience for the escort or a sign that she doesn’t like you. Plenty of sex workers have very fond relationships with their regulars, just as folks in the service industry have fond relationships with some of their customers. Every bartender, barista, store clerk, waiter, etc. has their favorite regulars, the folks they enjoy seeing on the regular. The fact that those people are customers doesn’t change the fact that they like seeing them or talking with them or they aren’t happy to see them come in.

In fact, if you want to see what sex workers actually think about their clients… well, all you have to do is open Twitter. Sex workers of all stripes talk about their experiences, their customers and clients, their jobs, etc. with great candor. Getting to know them as people who do a job may well help change your mind about everything.

Honestly, the shame and social stigma you’re feeling is what’s fucking with you, not that you did anything inherently bad or wrong. If you really want to adjust your perspective, you should do some research about sexual surrogates — sex workers who work with folks who have any number of medical or psychological issues surrounding sex. In many cases, sexual surrogates are the only form of sexual intimacy some folks may be able to achieve — especially when physical or emotional handicaps are involved.

(The movie The Sessions with John Hawkes and Helen Hunt may be a great place for you to start. I also recommend reading “On Seeing A Sex Surrogate”, the article that the movie was based on.)

But your third issue is assuming that this is the only sort of intimacy you may ever encounter. While I understand that you’re feeling despair right now, that’s simply not true. It’s only how things feel right now, and as much as I hate how assholes use this phrase, it’s apt: feels aren’t reals. Things feel awful and unchanging because things are dark, chaotic and stressful right now. You’ve got all of these feelings of shame and self-recrimination rocketing through your head right now and all of them are bullshit. You’re allowed to have enjoyed your time with an escort, and to look forward to booking another session, and to want to connect with folks and have a relationship that isn’t primarily commercial. You can, in fact, have both. The fact that you’ve had these experiences with an escort doesn’t cut you off from the possibility of love, sex and relationships in the future. In fact, these experiences could well be part of what help push you to work on yourself. Not in the sense of “well, I need to get better so I never do this again,” but in the sense of “Wow, this opened up my eyes to what’s out there and I would love to see more of it.”

Because, straight talk, my dude: losing your virginity isn’t going to transform you or change you, no matter how you do it. Going to an escort may guarantee you a more focused and giving experience than you might find otherwise, but it’s not going to handicap you or cut you off from society. The people who think that you’re somehow shady, shameful or wrong for having done so — assuming you decide you share this with them, which you don’t have to — are just folks who are self-selecting out of your pool of friends and lovers and good-goddamn-riddance.

By that same token, losing your virginity in the context of a casual hook-up — or even a commited, romantic relationship — doesn’t mean that you’re going to have some transformation sequence where you suddenly become the person you believe you’re “supposed” to be. Your first time is going to be an experience that you’ve had… that’s it. Everything that comes afterwards, whether positive or negative, is going to be about what you decide comes from it. You may feel like it was a magical experience. You may finish and think “wait, that was it?” But it will only be a step on your journey, not the start, nor the end. That’s all going to depend on you and what you decide to do next.

But for right now? Fuck the shame and fuck the folks who’d shame you for it including yourself. You are allowed to feel pleasure, to have enjoyed your time and to want more, even if you paid a professional for it. Everybody was consenting, everyone got what they wanted from this and everyone came away happy. That’s the important part. And if you want to book another session with her — once the quarantine is lifted, obviously — and you can afford it, then go for it, king. And if you want to work on your personal development so that you don’t feel like sex work is your only outlet? You can do that too; there are a ton of resources available on this site to help you with precisely that.

But seriously: you didn’t do anything wrong, or anything to feel ashamed of or guilty about.

Anyone who is going to insist that you shouldn’t or that you should feel guilty about it isn’t concerned with you or the escort you visited; they just want you to follow their ideas about how to live your life. That’s on them. Your life is your own. Do what’s best for you.

Good luck.

Hi Doc,

I’m turning 30 soon, and my husband and I have been happily married for four years. We have no children by choice, but we do have some pets. We both work to pay the bills, though he makes a bit more than I do.

My husband and I are best friends. We play games together, go to the movies and out to eat, joke and laugh, tease each other, etc. We’ve even had people think we are friends but not realize we are actually married. Basically, despite being good in every other way, our relationship has no ounce of romance.

My husband’s normal routine is to come home from work, make himself some dinner (we follow separate diets so it’s easier for each of us to make our own food), play video games for a few hours, and then go to bed. Sometimes I will play games with him or get him to watch a movie with me, but that’s the only variation. Same thing on the weekends, just without going to work. We are intimate a couple of times a month when he feels “in the mood” (which isn’t very often because he has a rather low libido. I have a higher one, but I’ve learned to ignore it because it’s embarrassing to be turned down by him if he’s not in the mood).

Generally, I’m happy. But sometimes I go on social media or have a conversation with a friend, and she tells me how her husband brought her flowers for no reason, or how he planned a nice weekend getaway for just the two of them. And I find myself wishing I had a husband who did things like that (I know, I’ve probably just seen one too many rom-coms). And I get a little sad. My husband and I truly are best friends. But sometimes I want us to be more than friends. Does that make sense?

I have brought this up with my husband, but he just doesn’t get it. I told him I wanted to feel his love a bit more. He said he shows his love by paying the rent. I told him I felt less like his wife and more like his roommate. He asked me if that was a bad thing. He also frequently says he is happy and he doesn’t understand what I have a problem with.

I don’t get it. I have something that most women would covet. My husband is a kind, good man, and I never have to worry about him mistreating me or cheating on me. We have a great time together. And yet, sometimes I can’t stop crying. I guess I feel like I could be best friends with anyone, but I can’t be married to anyone. I want our relationship to feel more special, more like a marriage.

I’m not sure what I’m asking for here. God knows I’ve failed to make my husband understand thus far, so maybe I’m just talking nonsense. Am I crazy? Am I asking too much?

Too Needy For My Own Good

No, TNFMOG, you’re not crazy. You’re not talking nonsense, and you’re not asking for too much. What you’re asking for is for your husband to show you that he loves you, cares for you and respects you. Those are all things that should come standard in a relationship, and any model that doesn’t should be returned to the lot immediately.

You have two basic issues here that need to be resolved.

The first is one of miscommunication. You may have heard the phrase “love languages” tossed around here and other spaces. Without getting deep into the details, the idea of “love languages” are different ways people express and receive love or affection from the people in their lives. Some people, for example, express love and affection through physical touch — wanting to hug and be hugged, to cuddle and so forth. Others will express love through “acts of service” — doing things for the people they care about is part of how they show that they care. Other examples include “quality time”, “gifts” and a multitude of others.

The problem that often arises is that sometimes we don’t necessarily recognize the language our partner speaks, and they don’t recognize the language that we speak. So for someone who expresses love through touch and physical contact, somebody who is physically stand-offish may seem cold and distant. But the way they express love is by providing for their loved-ones — whether that’s through paying for their essentials, making sure their physical and emotional needs are met or simply doing things for them… and they may feel that someone who expresses love through touch to be clingy. Hence the dilemma; everyone’s saying the same thing, but they’re saying it in languages the other person doesn’t understand. As a result: everyone is upset and tense because they feel like they&rsquo

What Makes A Man Commit Forever

Sat, 28 Mar 2020 17:44:16 +0000

I was watching netflix and...

Fri, 27 Mar 2020 17:34:02 +0000

I was watching the series Love is Blind on netflix today. Here is the description of the show: "Singles try to find a match and fall in love -- without ever seeing each other face-to-face, as emotional connection attempts to conquer physical attraction." One of the guys, 27 years old tells a woman something to the affect, "when we get married we will ...." However, the love coach in me, was thinking. This guy is full of shit. He has said that to three women, he just says what he thinks women want to hear. Fast forward, THE NEXT EVENING she asks him, "Do you still feel the same way about me?" He said, "I don't know." She was obviously upset because she thought they were going to get married and stormed out of the room. (Rightfully so!) The reason I thought he was full of shit was because I could tell he didn't know who he was. Assuming he didn't know who he was, how could he possibly have picked a woman? So this guy, at this point was dating three women. My first initial reaction was, this guy is a clown and a dick. I wish he would be honest with these women. But then I thought a little deeper. He is being honest. He doesn't know what he wants. It is because he never got to know himself. He never forced himself to be vulnerable with any of these women to see what happens. He didn't know if they would accept him. He didn't know if by showing himself "emotionally naked" they would grow closer together or if his deepest secrets and stories would show they have different values. So when it came for him to figure out, is this the person for me? He said, "I don't know." And guess what, that was authentic. Although great television, this is an example of a man that shouldn't be dating seriously at the moment. Let alone on a show where couples are expected to get married. This guy needs to go figure out who he is. Why do I understand this man so well? I was this man. Maybe, I still am this man. But, unlike this television character. I am vividly aware of this shortcoming. For awhile now, I've been on a journey to experience, to share, and to explore. So when I encounter my next possible life partner I can be 100% sure that she is it for me. Because, I am showing her my 100% authentic self. No shell, no protective shield, and most importantly not a confused boy, but a man that has done a lot of self work. I will show up in authenticity with massive strength to be wildly comfortable sharing vulnerably when needed. And, realizing if someone one accepts my flaws, wants, desires, then awesome we shall continue and if the person can't handle me or we are too different than we will be happy to part ways. Why did I tell you this? I am not really sure. I just felt like sharing and thought maybe this would be entertaining. Would you mind if I share more? I asked a woman to marry me. At the time, I meant it with all my heart. But, maybe I didn't know who I was then. Maybe, that was just part of my journey. Did we get married. No. Did I break her heart and hurt a lot of people. Yes.

Am I an asshole? In some circles, maybe. Did I hurt people on purpose? 100% no.

I don't believe in breakups. I believe in relationship graduations. When you graduate a relationship, you get a "diploma" showing you spent x amount of years to learn a lot of things. Well, I graduated. And you know what: Every day, I am going to keep graduating. Because, I am never going to stop learning. I am never going to stop becoming a better man. Why? Because, in the past I've stood still, I've learned nothing. For me that is a waste of my life, a waste of my abilities. So I am going to keep learning. I am going to keep sharing what I learn. THANK YOU for allowing me to share my experiences. Thank you for allowing me to explore myself with an audience. Every time, I write one of these emails it forces me to think critically about how I am really feeling. It is one thing to think something. It is an entirely another thing to vomit those thoughts onto a page in a somewhat cohesive way that makes some sort of sense. So thank you, for allowing me to vomit. Listen, I am not sure where you are at right now. Are you freaking out about Corona? I hope not. Focus on the things you can control. (Hand washing, social distancing, and CONTINUING TO MOVE TOWARDS YOUR GOALS!) No wasting energy on something that we can't control. I promise you, we will get past this. There will be some bumps, but we will move on triumphantly like a bunch of bad ass super heroes because that is what we do. But until then, honor your feelings, spend your time wisely. AND Come talk to me if you want a teammate in finding love. I am not letting this stop me. Don't let this stop you. Together we can do whatever we want! Including finding an amazing partner. Book an introductory session here if you want to talk about paid coaching with me. Otherwise and either way I love you, Mike P.S. - It felt kind of weird plugging my business at the bottom of this email. Why am I feeling ashamed to ask people if they want help? I think it is because writing these emails actually helps me. And then, getting clients, helps me. I just feel weird asking for HELP for me. (I prefer to provide than ask for). But, maybe it is okay IF my emails help YOU, and IF my clients get helped. Maybe all these things can be win/win for everyone involved? Hmmmm...I feel a bit better. How about you? P.P.S - Facetime, skype, and Zoom dates are still 100% a GO!!!!!!!!! Who's going to be the first to fall in love virtually? Anyone competitive? Challenge accepted? P.P. P. S. I love me. And I love you. (Have the best day of your life, TODAY!)

Am I A Bad Person For Believing That An Abuser Can Change?

Fri, 27 Mar 2020 13:30:45 +0000

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

When I was 14 or 15, one of my friends at the time told me in passing that her boyfriend had been forceful recently in their physical relationship. At the time, I didn’t fully understand what she was saying but I could tell she was upset so I tried to comfort her the best I could and we moved on from that conversation. A year later, they broke up and I gradually started becoming friends with this ex. In 12th grade, when there were whispers of what she had told me earlier, I am ashamed to say that I didn’t speak up. I remained “neutral”, a very harmful attitude to take, and in doing so I know I hurt her immensely. The other people she had told also didn’t speak up and I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been for her. He was dating someone else at that point. Their relationship also ended once school did but I never really inquired as to what went down there.

College started and I became much, much closer to him. We established a friends with benefits situation which slowly turned into a proper relationship. He was good to me. Always respectful, always a good person. I’m not saying this to negate what he did to others, but just to point out how stark the difference was between who he was with me and with them. I know that’s also typical of a lot of abusers.

Earlier this year, his second ex reached out to me. She told me that he had been emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive in their relationship. The things she told me were so terrible that I didn’t know what to say or do. We had just started dating at this point, she told me she was telling me also because she didn’t want him to do the same to me. I thanked her for telling me, and after a lot of deliberation I took the decision to distance myself from him gradually. I also spoke to my friend and apologised for my silence regarding her abuse at the time.

Very recently, his actions in the past have been brought to light on a public platform. He is obviously facing a lot of backlash from people in school for these actions and a lot of people have chosen to cut him out of their lives. From the scattered interactions I’ve had with him since his ex reached out to me, I know he’s been going to therapy more regularly. He’s also apologised to both of them, and obviously they haven’t accepted his apology nor are they under any obligation to. He has never tried to deny, justify or argue against what he’s done. He has unconditionally accepted that he has caused a lot of trauma to these people and he has told me and other people that he is fully ready to face the consequences of his actions.

I feel like I made the right decision by distancing myself for the time being but I’m still confused about what I need to do in the future. I believe that this is an experience he needs to get through on his own. If he doesn’t have people around him to prove to that he is a changed person, and yet he still changes, I truly believe that that won’t be a superficial change because it requires a lot of courage to keep on living and working on yourself when nobody else thinks you deserve anything. His friends don’t have a responsibility to make sure that he’s changed, nor do they have to hold his hand through the process.

As someone who knows him better than anyone else, I have faith that firstly, he truly wants to change and that secondly, he is taking steps to do so. None of that can ever change the hurt and trauma that he caused, nothing can at this point, but the step towards accountability and responsibility is not one that many people take in the first place. That in itself, coupled with the fact that this step is accompanied by concrete actions of therapy, possibility of enrolment in abuser programs, unconditional apologies, makes me think that though the process will be long and difficult for him, he will come out of it better.

If he does, then is it okay for me at that point to be his friend? To say that I have seen the change in you and I believe you are worth my friendship, possibly my love? Does it make me a bad person and does it serve as dismissing the trauma of the victims? Am I a bad friend for saying that I believe he will change but not being there for him?

Very Confused and Guilty

These sort of questions are always difficult, VCaG.

On the one hand, I’m a general believer that people can change and improve. I believe that folks can fuck up, own their fuck-ups and try to make things better, and I believe that there needs to be space for folks to actually do better.

On the other hand, folks love a redemption story and abusers know this. I can’t count the number of times that abusers and monsters have made a production of “Oh look, I’ve changed!” — especially as a way of returning to the public eye. Writer and professor Hugo Schwyzer was an almost archetypal example of this, using his supposed redemption both as a way of finding future victims and as a shield against new accusers. So there’s every reason to give take declarations of “but I’m different now!” with deep suspicion and a LOT of salt.

On the other other hand (yes, I have three hands) apparently this happened in high-school. And while that doesn’t preclude someone from being an abuser or a monster — all you have to do is look at Stubenville for proof of that — but high-schoolers also tend to be hormone-soaked bundles of frenzied confusion who’re often freaking out in multiple directions at once. It’s entirely possible for people to act badly without realizing that what they’re doing is harmful or abuse. Sometimes people are so caught up in their teenaged angst bullshit that they don’t realize the damage they’re doing to the people around them.

But the fact that they don’t know they’re doing harm, or don’t intend to, doesn’t change the fact that they still hurt people. As has been said in many places, many times: intent isn’t magic.

(And that’s before we get into issues like the high-school rumor mill, people adopting the language of social justice as a means of abusing others and all kinds of murky crap)

So my position in general is “…maybe. With many caveats.”

I would have a lot of very pointed questions that would need very convincing answers before I’d be willing to come down on one side or another. The first is very simple: does he understand what he did? Does he accept — without conditions or qualifiers — that his behavior hurt people? And as a follow-up: does he understand why his actions hurt people?

One of the first steps to change and growth is to understand how they’ve wronged others and why other people were hurt by what they did. Understanding the pain of others is the first step to empathy.

Next: does he accept responsibility for his actions — again, without conditions or qualifiers? Does he own his behavior without trying to explain why he’s not at fault or why he shouldn’t be fully culpable? Does he understand why he did what he did?

This is another important step; taking ownership of one’s behavior is crucial. It speaks both to their mindset: are they sincere, or are they trying to get out of trouble? However, it’s also potentially tricky. “I did X because I got drunk and didn’t recognize Y” and “I did X because I got drunk” sound similar, but are incredibly different. In the former, they’re demonstrating an understanding of how one mistake (getting drunk) lead to their behavior (…and so I did X). In the latter, it comes much closer to “you can’t blame me because I was drunk and that wasn’t who I really am”.

Next: if they understand what they did wrong and why they did it, what steps are they taking to avoid doing those things again? How are they proposing to be held accountable in the future?

And finally: what have they done to try to try to make things right? This may or may not involve a direct apology to the people they’ve harmed; sometimes trying to make amends actually causes more harm to the person who’d already been harmed by their actions. And — importantly — in trying to make things right, is he doing so humbly or in a manner that demands acknowledgment? Is he making a production of how sorry he is a way that pressures his victims to forgive him? Is he performatively penitent in a way that glorifies himself to others?

Even with satisfactory answers to these questions, I’d still proceed with caution. As I said: plenty of folks can put on the show of contrition, especially if it brings them back from the wilderness. Take it slowly and pay more attention to his deeds, not his words. Those will tell you far more about who he actually is and whether he’s actually changed for the better.

Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

First of all, let me say thank you for being out there for people like me that is searching for some insight or some type of answer to a current predicament. I found your site in one of the many nights that I was searching for answers or suggestions to a similar situations.

Here’s where I stand:

My husband and I met about 4 years ago and we moved in together (married) about 8 months ago. We are 12 years apart and he’s older. I have a 24 year old son that lives with his wife and my husband doesn’t have kids.

Our sex wasn’t often but it was great up until we moved in together. Then came up all the different work schedules, routines, and learning to live with each other, so sex/intimacy started to suffer. I’m sure is normal for some, yet I feel for us is more than that.

For once, I would like to have sex more than just on a Friday night after a drink. How about when I’m horny on a Tuesday or a Sunday morning? I feel like our sex is only on his schedule and it does not matter what I would want or what I have to say about it. We used to have sex only once a week (his request) and now is nothing. I have a higher sex drive than him or so I think.

I’ve noticed he’s less interested in touching me or initiating and he rather spend his time in front of his computer. We have had conversations about our sex life. How I feel is lacking in our relationship and he seems to understand, yet things go back to nothing after a few days.

My concern now is lately he’s been into a youtube channel where porn stars are being interviewed and then he goes on searching the particular ladies, example L.Ann, K.Rx, etc. I also know that he goes into “live cam” sites to watch younger ladies masturbate. Does he pays for those? Who knows and I hope not, because I asked him and he said he wasn’t into that. Sure! (Note: Our computer is in the open for both of us to use, not in a separate room)

Another issue is his lack of respect to me when it comes to staring (very obvious) at other women when we go out (every Friday), to the point that I had to tell him to please stop. He’s gotten better, but is still happening and it makes me feel so inferior. How could you disrespect the woman YOU are taking out, why don’t you go out by yourself then. I’m a very good looking lady, who likes to dress up when we go out, and I love to have fun with others. I look younger than my age, yet he can take all that away by gawking at another lady’s ass.

In top of all that, I had to have an emergency hysterectomy in Dec. due to cancerous cells ( I see a therapist to help me deal with this major change). We were both okay with that since we were not interested in children (1 is enough lol). I know that penetration was out of the table for some time, but intimacy is more than just intercourse and I crave that close relationship with him. Why not play with each other until we both orgasm ( oh! wait, maybe because it feels like he doesn’t want to take the time for me, however I have to finish him off) The last time we had “intimacy” was a hand job, because he didn’t even want me to give him a blowjob, really!? I’ve been cleared to have sex again for weeks and he knows, however he seems like he could go on without it. How sad!!!

He has not stop making future plans for us like trips, dinners, theater shows, etc. I know he loves me, but maybe like some say he is no longer “in love” with me or maybe he just cares for me enough to keep me around just for looks (you know an older man alone again). We’ve only been married 8 months!!

Wow! sorry for the long note, but despite my looks, loving him so much and desiring him as a man, I get this lonely feeling sometimes like I’m alone in this marriage. I do all the outside things either on my own or with my friends. I have no problems being independent, nevertheless my time with him seem to be declining. Now what?

Has he become a porn addict or already is? I did asked him if porn was a problem in our relationship and he straight up told me “NO”. Is he no longer physically attracted to me to sexually satisfy me? Is it ED? and he’s afraid to talk about it with me? Clearly talking isn’t doing it, how many times can one tell a partner that we should have more intimacy and sex. I know so many questions!

I wish he could understand how much he’s hurting me by choosing to masturbate to porn instead of having it with me (I do not mean all the time), I understand we both need our “alone’ time for that too. I deeply love him and miss the warm of his body closed to mine when we connect with intimacy and sex.

Sincerely,

Lonely Wife

Sometimes I’ll get letters from folks where it’s obvious from the jump what the issue is. Other times, I’ll get one where the problem doesn’t reveal itself until a particular detail makes things abundantly clear.

And then I’ll get letters like yours LW, where every couple of paragraphs, the circumstances continue to degrade and the apparent underlying cause also changes… right up until the end, where it becomes clear that it doesn’t matter what the problem is because the solution is painfully obvious.

It seems pretty clear that moving in together was the trigger. This, in and of itself, isn’t terribly surprising or unusual. There’re a number of couples where the single biggest cause of strife in their lives is the fact that they live together. Take cohabitation out of the mix, and they’d be a scorching hot couple, but living together robs their relationship of vitality.

But the trigger ain’t the problem, it’s just the inciting incident. Whether this brought issues to the surface that had always been there or accelerated things until they couldn’t be ignored any longer is, at this point, academic. The problem is that your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you. It’s pretty clear he still has a sex drive and is almost certainly still jerking off; folks don’t watch cam shows for the riveting plots or amazing cinematography. But the fact that he’s uninterested in orgasms from you — to the point that the only sexual intimacy he’ll accept is a hand-job — is as clear of an indicator of where his head’s at.

One question that needs to be answered is “why”? Is it a case that he’s been bored and that boredom has become disinterest? Is it that the domesticity of your relationship robbed it of the thrill he was getting off to? Did the stress of trying to adjust to living together throw him off his groove? Or — as I suspect is the case — is it that he’s just not attracted to you any more?

Now I want to be abundantly clear: the fact that he doesn’t seem to be attracted to you DOES NOT mean that you’ve done something wrong or that this is in any way your fault. He may be someone who needs novelty and new stimuilation to maintain interest. It could be that this is his pattern in relationships and this happens every time. Or it could be that his attraction simply faded on it’s own, through no fault of yours or his.

And while the lack of sex doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship — there’re plenty of folks in companionate marriages, whose connection is about things other than sex — it’s pretty clear that your relationship has reached its end. To start with: you’re clearly hurt by the lack of intimacy in your relationship. That’s entirely understandable; it’s not unreasonable to want sex with your husband or to crave intimacy with them.

The bigger problem, however, is the seeming contempt that your husband is displaying. While it’s certainly possible that he still loves and cares for you, he sure as fuckery doesn’t seem to respect you. Openly browsing porn sites while also neglecting you sexually, ogling women in front of you, keeping sexual contact to just masturbation with no interest in reciprocating… none of that is good. None of that is a sign that they have concern for your feelings, nevermind your desires. That sort of behavior is the sort of thing that curdles even the strongest of relationships.

If I’m perfectly honest… well, I don’t know if there’s much to be salvaged here. I think that if you want to make a Hail Mary pass at trying to fix things, then you need to sit him down and have a very Awkward Conversation with him about all of this. You need to lay out everything: the way you’ve been feeling neglected, the way his behavior makes you feel, the fact that sex has been not just routine but almost robotic. Be incredibly clear about all of this, so that there’s no room for misunderstanding. After you’re done, let him share his side of things.

Following that, I’d suggest finding a sex-positive marriage counselor to try to hash things out.

But to be frank: I don’t know if that’s going to help things. It sounds like he’s already checked out; he may not be interested in divorcing, but he sure doesn’t seem to be interested in participating in a significant part of the relationship. If that’s the case… well, the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to love yourself enough to know that you deserve better than this. You deserve someone who actually respects you and cares for your feelings and satisfaction. And if that’s not your husband… well, then he shouldn’t be your husband any longer.

Good luck.

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Can I Ever Trust A Former Abu

DR. NERDLOVE LIVE: Managing Your Emotional Health During COVID-19

Wed, 25 Mar 2020 14:00:56 +0000

How do you manage anxiety in the middle of a pandemic? How is living under quarantine affecting you? In my first LIVE teleseminar, I talk about how to manage stress and maintain your emotional health during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Want to take part? The next seminar is on 3/31 at 3 PM CST. Join me at the Dr. NerdLove Facebook Page and be sure to join the NerdLove Academy group!

DOCTOR’S NOTE: So since I did this over Facebook Live, there’s a little funkiness with the audio. I’ve done my best to clean it up but some of it is baked into the episode itself. Sorry ’bout that, we’re seeing what can be done for next time.

The post DR. NERDLOVE LIVE: Managing Your Emotional Health During COVID-19 appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

How Do You Recover From A Break Up During The COVID-19 Crisis?

Mon, 23 Mar 2020 13:30:45 +0000

Doctor’s Note: This week, I’ll be having a live seminar and Q&A on Facebook Live instead of the usual podcast and YouTube episode. If you’re interested in taking part, follow me on Facebook and join the NerdLove Academy Facebook Group; the stream will start at 3 PM CST on Tuesday, March 24th.

Good morning Doc,

I wanted to know what you thought and would advise regarding how to recover from a break up during this COVID-19 pandemic (or other scenarios where you’re not able to go out and meet new people). A few day ago I had to cut things with a girl I was seeing since November. I didn’t want to, but there was a lack of effort to communicate and I was putting in all the effort. After having it met with the equivalent of banging one’s head against the wall, I was left with no choice but to do what’s best for me. As productive as that sounds it’s still hard because as of now we’re in a curfew state with business and activity areas to meet new people are shutdown so now I’m stuck missing what I lost but don’t have a way to get past it. Yes I’m working on myself with studying more, picking up guitar again, and practicing new art skills but being solo doesn’t take my head off it.

I know there’s probably a video you have on the breakup and there’s a video on what you can do during the pandemic but I wondered if there was a new type of thought process for when it’s both out together.

Thanks for listening and having an awesome channel and podcast,

Life Under Quarantine

I do, in fact, have a video about getting over your break up over on my YouTube channel, LUQ and I think it would be helpful for you to watch it. It’ll explain a little about what’s going on and why you’re having a difficult time getting your mind off of your ex.

Part of the reason why people — guys, especially — have a hard time getting over break ups is because love isn’t just emotional; it’s also chemical. When we’re with our partner, our brains are generating large amounts of dopamine and oxytocin — the “cuddle” chemical that encourages things like social bonding, sexual arousal and romantic connections. Those chemicals hit the pleasure centers of your brain just so and make you crave more. This is part of why, for example, we want to spend all of our time with a new partner; we are, literally, addicted to them because we’re getting huge doses of feel-good brain drugs.

When we break up with someone, we’re suddenly cut off from that source, and our brains want it back… badly. This is why it can often be so hard to stop thinking about our exes or wanting them back, even if we know that the relationship was toxic or that there were very good reasons why the relationship had to end.

This is why part of the key to getting over someone is to find a new source or sources of oxytocin. This is part of why we have the old saw of “get over someone by getting under someone else”; since oxytocin is most readily generated through sex and physical touch, sex with someone new is a quick and easy way to find new sources of oxytocin, as well as validation that yes other people desire you and that there are other people out there.

Of course, sex isn’t the only way of finding new sources of oxytocin, it’s simply the most socially acceptable for guys. Part of the reason why women often have an easier time getting over an ex then men do is because men as a gender are incredibly touch-deprived. It’s socially acceptable for women to seek reassurance — including physical contact, like hugging — from their friends in times of need. Men are cut off from that source of reassurance because we equate physical contact with sexual contact, just as we associate emotional intimacy with sexual intimacy. It’s a classic case of toxic masculinity ruining the party once again.

But there are ways around this and getting the need for physical touch met, even without sexual contact. Massage, for example, is a great way to soothe the body, ease the cortisol that comes from emotional stress and gain a source of oxytocin by having one’s touch needs met. So too are various forms of social dancing, particularly Latin and ballroom dancing.

However, we’re all also under quarantine thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic… which has made it difficult to access those forms of physical contact and the associated generation of oxytocin.

But “difficult” isn’t the same as “impossible”.

The key is that you need to start getting creative and working with the tools that you have available to you.

Start by connecting with your friends. While physical touch and sex are the most obvious sources for oxytocin, we also generate oxytocin through laughter and conversation. Reaching out to your friends, having virtual hang-outs and happy-hours not only helps you feel less alone, but also encourages sharing, socializing and laughter — all of which help generate oxytocin in the brain. Get your buddies together and use an extension like NetflixParty, TwoSeven or apps like Zoom to watch movies — especially dumb action flicks or your favorite comedies.

And while you may not be able to touch another person right now, that doesn’t mean you can’t find other sources of touch and comfort. If you have the space, the finances and your lease allows it, now is a great time to foster a cat or dog. The shelters in your area need to find foster homes during the shut-down, especially if your state or city has a shelter-in-place order. Having a new furry friend in your life not only gives you company and cuddles, it also gives you purpose, direction and allows you to do some much-needed good for others. Not only will this help distract you from missing your ex, it’ll give you something concrete that you can point to and say “by doing this, I’m doing something to make the world a little better.”

And you should also date.

Yes, I know. We’re all under lockdown. But you may have noticed that the dating apps aren’t shut down. People are still talking, swiping and matching. Since you can’t be with each other physically right now, talking, Skype and texting — all opportunities for laughter and good conversation — are going to be of much higher importance. And if things go well, sex is still on the table. Phone sex, sexting, cam sessions via Skype or Facetime… these are all ways that you can connect with others sexually, even if you can’t be there in the flesh. It’s not quite the same as an old-fashioned in-person hook-up, but it will have much the same effect. That validation of your desirability as a partner, the sexual connection with others and the reminder that your ex wasn’t the only woman in the world are all still available to you. You may have to be creative about it… but what’s a quarantine good for if not learning how to try new and different things?

I’m not gonna lie; it’s a rough time right now. But that doesn’t mean that the world has come to a halt. We’re still living, we’re still loving and still moving forward. Take the time to heal and connect with others — platonically as well as romantically.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Hello Dr. NerdLove,

For the longest time I really didn’t care about love. I’m all sorts of neuroatypical, and it took me a long time to sort out my orientation and gender identity, so all through my teens and early 20s, I was already grateful to have a few friends. Dating was way too complicated given how hard it was for me to even get out of my room. But little by little I became better at all things social, and while I’m still much of a weirdo, I’m no longer a loner. So I started thinking about love.

About five years ago, when I was 21, I met my first love. She was an amazing young woman, and we became close friends. She was also very religious, and going through one shitty boyfriend after another. Those guys would use her commitment, cheat on her, then flung her aside. She was in a really bad place. It brought us even closer since I’m a good listener, I convinced her to give therapy a try and she managed to get better – this was her doing, I was just happy to support her. Eventually I confessed, and she told me very gently that she didn’t reciprocate – she was totally straight. We remained friends of course. A few years ago she finally met someone worthwhile and she’s happy with him. I’m friends with both of them, and she still comes to me when she needs someone to listen to her.

Last year I met another amazing woman. This one was bi – making progress. But she was dating someone and seemed quite happy with him. I would have taken that as a non-starter, except this woman behaved very ambiguously with me, playfully flirting, caressing me, etc. I’m aware I’m bad at reading signals, so I showed our convos to several people who all told me this was 100% flirting. I would have been cool with her being poly or in an open relationship, but the ambiguity of it all was really hurting me; I was falling in love more every day while not knowing if there was a chance. So I decided to ask her point blank if her behaviour meant anything or if this was just her way of being friends – and as I’d suspected, it was the latter. Finally knowing there was no chance of us getting together was preferable to the uncertainty, even though I was disappointed of course. But she seems to be very much in love with her boyfriend, and while I’ve never met him he seems like a good guy. I’m of the opinion that feelings are fluid, and if you think of someone romantically then you can also be their friend. So even though I still get a pang of sadness when I see her, I’m really happy to just be friends with her, and I’m sure my feelings will dull eventually.

But as you see, I seem to have a knack for becoming friends with amazing people… who don’t want to be more than friends with me. That’s logical: when you’re this amazing, people take notice, and so by the time they meet me there’s a good chance they’ve already found the one. I hope I never stop becoming friends with amazing people… But I’d really like, at some point, to find one who actually wants to date me as well. How do I find someone like that ? How do I get to be the one, for once ?

Thank you for your help,

Sincerely,
Unsure and bittersweet

There are two things you need to do, UAB. The first is seemingly obvious, but I’m not entirely sure you’ve taken the step yet: you have to put yourself out there. It’s not enough to just decide “hey, I’m ready to fall in love!” and wait for the universe to provide. You have to make sure that folks know that you’re young, single and ready to mingle. Businesses have to advertise, writers and artists have to market themselves and single folks need to make it clear that they’re out, available and actively looking.

That means doing things like getting on the dating apps, especially right now, as we’re in the middle of a pandemic and everyone’s on lockdown. So the first thing you need to do is download the apps (I recommend Hinge, Bumble and OKCupid to start), get some great looking photos, fill out your profile and start swiping. It’ll take a bit of time as you learn how to spot what you’re looking for, but those hot awesome bi or gay singles — or even poly folks — are out there.

But for your next step… have you considered asking your friends if they had some single friends that they could hook you up with?

Here’s the thing: you may have heard the saying “you are the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with“. This is 100% true. Despite what Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat told us (Google it, kids), opposites don’t attract. With friends, as with romantic partners, we tend to attract — and are attracted to — people who are like us. For your purposes, this means that your awesome friends are much more likely to have friends who are as awesome. Now, whether those awesome friends are a) your type and b) of a compatible sexual orientation is an open question. But just as you need to advertise yourself to other like-minded singles, you need to let your friends know that you’re actively looking and would appreciate if they’d hook a buddy up.

And seeing as we’re all under quarantine at the moment, you’re actually in a position to take the plague lemons that life’s thrown your way and turn them into a quarantini. If your friends do, in fact, have someone who’s awesome, single and leans your direction, setting up a virtual happy-hour (or tea party or whatever suits your fancy) is the perfect way to get to know them in a low-stakes, low-investment way. Rather than the potential awkwardness of your friends throwing you two together in a room and saying “I think you two would click NOW KISS”, you can have a social gathering that lets you meet them in an organic fashion. If you two get along over the course of this virtual hangout, it’ll feel like the most natural thing in the world to say “Hey, I had a great time talking to you; can I add you on Facebook/Snapchat/WhatsApp?”

Once you do that, you’re in a position to get to know each other — and do some low-key flirting — on your own time. And while things didn’t work out with your friends, you’ll be in a position for lightning to strike and love to find a way.

Good luck.

The post How Do You Recover From A Break Up During The COVID-19 Crisis? appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

Is It A Good Time To Get Back With My Ex?

Fri, 20 Mar 2020 13:30:49 +0000

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

First off, I’m really glad you do what you do. I’ve read through some of your material and it’s helped me so far.

Now, in order for my question to make sense I have to give some context. I’ll try and shorten this down as much as I can.

Met a girl through OKCupid sometime in 2016. Hit it off right away. She blew my mind and I was head over heels for her.

She was on again/off again with her (now) ex, and I met her during an “off” time. Well, I went to my first year of college out of state, and then transferred to a school in-state. So I was talking to here more once I was back. She was now dating her ex again.

From the beginning I could easily tell she liked me. That kind of attention and chemistry – I knew there was something there and it wasn’t just me. But she was still dating this guy.

Well, I was awash with infatuation and I wasn’t ready to walk away, so I stuck around. She was everything I’d ever wanted. Smart, passionate, a gamer and artist, had drive and goals, had a good head on her shoulders, good person, and drop dead gorgeous. Full package deal. Amazing.

From my perspective though, across the next 4 years, I felt… I felt like I wasn’t being treated well. It didn’t help that she was into me and was still dating her ex, and was torn, and dealing with her own emotions and life, etc – and I also let it continue. I couldn’t walk away yet. Wanting her was far greater of a force than sticking up for my worth. We would only hang out sporadically, and rarely. It was always last minute and was late at night or something similar where I was compartmentalized from the rest of her life. We never *really* went out and did stuff. It was 99% of the time at her house, sitting and talking or watching a show. Not that I don’t want that, but not at the expense of doing anything else.

Well, I walked away the first time in 2018, and she roped me back in. Then again about 6 months later. Then about another 3-6 months after that.

The last time she pulled me back into her life was at the end of August, last year. We met and talked for 3 hours, she confessed to having been REALLY into me this whole time (she had even had dreams about me during the time I had walked away.) and just… didn’t know how to handle that, didn’t feel comfortable with it yet, etc.

She said she only came back because she felt like she was over her ex and wanted to treat me right instead of as a recovery. She even kissed me.

Well, she’d been planning and working up to transferring/going to school across the country, and it was going to happen starting in January.

So I wanted to make the last 4 months she was here great: go on adventures, eat, have a blast, and have some fun in the bedroom. (Which she had opened up about wanting for awhile, but again wasn’t comfortable with it yet.) (we never did.)

So we hung out a few times, and then, of course, it felt like it went back to how it had been before: rarely seeing each other, at-arm’s-length, compartmentalized, etc.

I ended up not seeing her at all for about the last month of her being here, and I called her while she was at a hotel room in St. Louis while on her drive to school. Basically, I ended it. I told her that we hadn’t actually taken any steps forward and I needed to walk away. I think she knew the conversation was coming but was hoping it wouldn’t. When I told her this was it, she talked about how I was one of the only people in her life anymore that she felt close enough to and trusted enough to talk about things with, etc etc.

She then added that “I figured we would keep talking and stuff and we would pick up where we left off when I came back for the summer, just like I’ve done with… all… my… relationships….” (I used ellipses to try and show how, when she said this, she ended up slowly trailing off as the sentence went on, because I think she realized how shitty it sounded.)

I told her that it wasn’t fair to me to wait around and essentially twiddle my thumbs until she came back, with no guarantee of it actually being anything when she did. I shouldn’t have to put my life on hold anymore than I already had.

I told her that, if she reaches a point in her life where she wants me to be a part of it and I’m a legitimate priority, she should come and find me and we would see what happens. (A priority as opposed to what felt like just an option – because I was never really a priority – other friends, family, and other things were always more important or urgent than me.) it ended amicably, I told her I loved her and to “go be successful”.

I will say, up front, that I know I had issues of my own that were a problem. I had expectations, I had a lot of trust issues.

She has insecurities and self worth issues, and I was honestly looking to her to give my life meaning for a long time. Not the most recent stint, but for a long time before I was.

Sorry if that was a bit long winded, it’s a long story.

NOW – it’s been almost 3 months since she’s left, and we haven’t spoken since. I do still care about her, and there is a large part of me that misses her. That’s the same part of me that is considering contacting her and seeing how she’s doing. (In part to see if she’s ok, given the recent pandemic going on.) part of me misses her. Still wants her. Still wants to do all the things we said we’d do. I don’t want to have her as a regret in my life because we didn’t actually move forward. And I still want her.

However – do I trust her again and believe that things will be different? Is it a waste of my time and energy to invite her back in, given that she will be going back to school I’m the fall and, once graduated, be moving to that end of the country/somewhere else in pursuit of her career? Am I BS’ing myself in thinking that there really actually was a chance for anything to happen, or was she just not being truly honest with herself and didn’t have the same feelings? Was her indecision and at-arms-length treatment a much better indicator of her interest and intentions than her words?

And lastly, do I miss HER or am I really just struggling to feel like I have a chance finding someone else as amazing, or that I’m worth being with someone else as amazing?

I’ve struggled with feeling “good enough” for most of my life – one of my parents was always critical, even when given a compliment, and I think it created my struggles with self worth, or at least started them. I’m much better now, but I’m wondering if it’s really that I’m feeling like I have a better chance with her than anyone else because I’m “not worthy” of love.

I don’t know. I’ve been mulling over this for about a week, and I’m just filled with uncertainty. Is there a “litmus rest” or a question to ask myself in order to weed through some of these thoughts?

I hope you can help, I’m not sure what to do/how to approach this.

Also, probably way too wordy, so sorry for that.

Really appreciate the help,

Just When I Think I’m Out…

Ok JWITIO, have you ever heard the phrase “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result?” That’s where you’re at, right now. The idea that a) she’s going to come back and b) things will be different is… well, honestly it’s kind of laughable, if I’m perfectly honest. I mean, dude. You’ve been in this pattern for four! YEARS! You know exactly how this is going to play out if you go back.

Now look, I get it. God knows in my time I’ve had folks who played the “go away a little closer” game that kept me on the hook for a while. But sometimes it can help to examine just what was going on with her… and why you’re having such a hard time getting over her.

I’m going to be blunt: you were never really in the running for being her boyfriend. You were, at best, a distraction. You provided her emotional intimacy and validation but that’s it… and always on her terms and her schedule. I mean, let’s start with the fact that she was in a closed, monogamous relationship and she’s keeping you around and telling you how into you she is. While it’s true that sometimes it can be hard to end a dodgy relationship and some folks will start flirting (or even sleeping with) someone else in order to force the break-up, it’s pretty clear that you were the guy she turned to because you’d give her the emotional intimacy and validation she craved, without needing to give you anything from her end of things.

You even say it yourself:

We would only hang out sporadically, and rarely. It was always last minute and was late at night or something similar where I was compartmentalized from the rest of her life. We never really went out and did stuff. It was 99% of the time at her house, sitting and talking or watching a show. Not that I don’t want that, but not at the expense of doing anything else.

I’m sorry dude but you were her emotional side-piece. Her “in case of feels emergency, break glass” pseudo-boyfriend. That’s why you’d get those last-minute, can’t-go-anywhere-we-might-be-seen hang-out invitations. She didn’t want to take the risk of word getting out that she was hanging out with you, while also giving you just enough to keep you on the line. It’s pretty significant that for all that she tells you how she’s SO into you and has dreams about you and wants to “treat you right”, literally nothing ever happened. She never treated you like a boyfriend or a potential lover. She gave you just enough hope to think that this might be the time you two finally got together because it kept you around.

Shit dude, she literally said that she wanted you sticking around until she decided to come back again. Once you said “Yo, I’m out,” and meant it, she couldn’t even keep up the pretense that anything would happen. It’s not that she realized how shitty things sounded as she said them, it’s more that she realized that this line was going to work this time.

So no. Getting back in touch with her would be a profoundly stupid idea. All you’re going to get is the 12″ dance remix of the last four years, with her dangling just enough hope in front of you that you keep giving her what she wants and receive literally nothing in return.

That’s no way to live, man.

Like I said: I get it. She’s a lot like an earworm; you’ve had this little fantasy playing in your head all this time and you really want to make things happen so that you can finally close the loop and exorcise the song. But that’s not gonna happen. It’s never going to happen. You’re a kitten chasing after a laser pointer; even if you “catch” it, there’s nothing to catch.

But here’s the thing: the reason why it’s so hard for you to give her up is because you’ve spent so much time on her. I mean, four years is a long-ass time to be carrying a torch for someone. If you were to give up now, it’s going to feel like those four years were for nothing, and that’s really hard to accept. It’s what’s known as the sunk cost fallacy; you don’t want to admit that you lost all that time and effort and so you throw even MORE at it in hopes of making things work. But it won’t. The only healthy option you have here is to write this off as a loss, learn from it and move forward.

And before you ask: no, there is no way to try to keep this to just being a “just friends” thing. That’s the emotional equivalent of playing “just the tip”; all that’s going to happen is that you’re going to get roped back in again and then having this exact same conversation three to six months down the line.

So you need to excise her from your life. You need to treat this like a break-up. That means it’s time to take the Nuclear Option and cut off all the forms of contact you have with her. That means deleting her number and texts, blocking her on social media, archiving all of her emails and gathering up all the souvenirs of your relationship and stashing them away. You want to put as many steps between you and your getting back in contact with her; the more effort it takes to reach her, the easier it is to resist. Right now there just isn’t any way that you can contact her that won’t end in your getting sucked back in, so you need to make it as difficult as possible.

And while you’re doing that? You need to put yourself back out there. You’ve spent four years hoping for a relationship that was never going to happen. That’s four years that you could’ve spent finding someone who is just as awesome as her — if not more so — but who also wants you back. You may never get that time back, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start now and find somebody else.

Letting her go is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. You worry about feeling good enough. You worry about being worthy of love and affection. Here is a truth: there is no expression of self-love and self-worth greater than to tell yourself that you deserve more and better than anything she was offering you. It’s not whether you are good enough for the love of other people, it’s whether they are good enough for your love, time and attention. And your ex? She very clearly isn’t.

To quote the sage: “I may love you, yeah, but I love me more.”

Cut her off and cut her out, man. It’s hard to let go of a dream, but sometimes the point of a dream is to wake up from it.

It’s time to start the next chapter in your life.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

The post Is It A Good Time To Get Back With My Ex? appeared first on Paging Dr. NerdLove.

5 Surprising Steps To Get Your Guy To Be More Affectionate

Tue, 25 Feb 2020 18:03:40 +0000

Step 1 - Appreciate good behavior

Step 2 - Not give more

Step 3 - Are you being the woman he fell in love with

Step 4 - Tell him exactly what you need

Step 5 - Get Curious "Do you feel safe in our relationship to be vulnerable?"

My Bike Was Stolen, I am not Mad, Read This To Find Out Why

Tue, 25 Feb 2020 05:08:58 +0000

About a month ago, I was soooo sad. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to work. I didn't want to eat healthy. I didn't want to work out. I didn't want to go on walks. I didn't want to read my self improvement books. I didn't want to do anything.

I was wildly unmotivated and didn't want to do any of the things that I normally LOVE doing. I went into deep analysis to try and figure out what my problem was.

I realized I lost my passion with work. Over the next 1.5 weeks I tried to figure out why. Finally, after speaking to about 6 friends (in depth) and multiple family members I realized because I made work about making money.

And, don't get me wrong, I am running a business, and income is an important metric.

But, the reason I got into business was to help people fall in love and be happy.

Thus, I needed to drastically change my mind set ASAP.

I needed every motion, every thought to be geared towards helping my clients. I needed my being to embody SERVING!

I jumped into immediate action.

One of my clients owed me money, but got diagnosed with cancer. I told her, don't worry about the bill. I GOT YOU.

Next, I had a brand new client agree to terms. Not that she needed the money, but I told her to pay me less just because it felt good and more aligned with my new guiding purpose.

That day, I started to feel a bit better.

Then, for the next few weeks, every day was about serving. How can I help more? How can I give more?

And at times, how can I hold my client more accountable instead of just thinking, "welp, they are not doing the work, but they paid me, so ohhhhhhhhhhh well."

NOPE! No more oh wells. No more packing it in.

If someone needs a virtual smack across the head, they are getting it. Because I don't care about the money, I care about delivering the result we discussed.

Now, weeks later, I am feeling like myself again. Someone with supreme purpose, someone who was put on this earth to help people.

Big Yoga "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Man do I feel good!

NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW...

On Friday February 21 my beloved bike was stolen. It was parked in my gated garage and connected to steel piping with a kryptonite lock. The burglar used bolt cutters and cut the kryptonite chain lock.

I was contacted by a friend via text that my bike was stolen. I walked over to where I parked my biked to confirm that my friend was not messing with me. She was telling the truth.

My first thought was, "Wow, how sad that someone needs to steal bikes. I am so glad I don't need to do that."

Second thought, "This is annoying, I have a busy day and will now need to do a police report and call insurance, and so on."

Third thought, "What a great opportunity to go build a new bike. I am looking forward to that."

Final thought, "I wish I could meet the burglar. I wish we could become great friends. If we became friends, and then told me his story about why he wanted the bike, I probably would have gifted it to him."

So why did I tell you this story?

A month or two ago, I didn't care about life. I felt hopeless. It was because I felt like I had zero purpose.

Although it didn't happen overnight. With the support of friends and family I discovered the one big thing I needed to change.

Next, once I get myself in order and living at my highest vibration, there was nothing that was going to derail me.

Even when someone stole my bike that I used all the time and loved I was not upset. Not even 1% of me was upset. All I felt was immense abundance and soooo much gratification that I am lucky enough to be able to go buy another one.

On top of talking to friends and family who

1. Listened to me complain (Thank you for that!)

2. Offered me possible solutions

I also decided that daily I would write 3 things that I am grateful for. (Some days I miss) but for the most part I try to write down what I am grateful for.

I have been posting what I am grateful for on my facebook/linkedin accounts. If you would like to see what I am grateful, search for EZ Dating Coach on Facebook and follow me. (Also, at the bottom of ever gratitude post I ask, "What are you grateful for today?")

I would love to hear your responses as often as you are willing to share. I have found it very helpful. It allows me to move far away from the scarcity mindset and up close and personal with the ABUNDANCE MINDSET.

I would highly suggest trying it for yourself especially if you find yourself getting sad from time to time.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me blabber. I love you.

See you next rant.

In Full and abundant service of you and to you,

Mike

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